AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Your 'friend' is being a twat. How dare she say you raised him to be spoiled? What have you said to her, OP? I'd give her a piece of my mind.
Those saying the son was 'picky' about the job, I'd say he knows his worth and the cost of living. He's also not afraid to be honest, but clearly he knows how to be diplomatic and fair too, or they wouldn't have given him such a good reference.
As for the interview and job, yes it is the same as getting any job through connections. People have friends/connections through work; deal with it. The son still had to interview and prove his worth and suitability.
And on the 'huge level of privilege son has', I was at uni with someone whose dad was very high up in something like wealth management. This person went to almost zero lectures or tutorials and did the bare minimum. Spent his time day drinking or hanging about at home watching TV. Came out with a 2:2 and went straight into a comfortable job with a very comfortable salary at his dad's place. THAT is a huge level of privilege; it's not at all like the OP's son working hard, doing internships, and broadening his skills and interests through things like debating and rowing club (and why are people sneering at those? )

And FWIW, I don't have skin in the game; I am from a working-class family and what my 'connections' got me was things like jobs in pubs while I was doing A levels. I went to uni, then got into the industry I wanted to, and am still working in it. All through working hard and my ability, not connections.

Why are you on AIBU? Just to boast? You clearly don’t think you’re unreasonable at all.

in my opinion you’re being more unreasonable to pay your son’s rent having helped network him into a higher paying job. You’re bringing him up cocooned from reality but I guess the connections and the money will always be there for him.

Imagine turning down £35k as a young graduate because it's not enough.
This brings out the Maoist in me.

You are unreasonable because your son’s success is not because he earned it but because of nepotism and so is yours.

This is what is being called out.

Of course everyone wants to do their best for their kids - but at what point do you step back and take the training wheels off. You are acknowledging the world isn’t fair then explaining how you are part of that.

Every person your son works with will know your son didn’t earn the role through competition. Of course they will be nice to him - on the surface that’s how corporate culture works to a point. Behind his back though they will be aware there is a connection and he had an unfair advantage. He won’t be respected.

He might have turned the job down because he didn’t like the job or the ongoing prospects, not the £35k salary.

Also, to be fair, with his degree, there are plenty of jobs on £50k++ in London, especially in finance.

Most graduates aren’t in a position to pick and choose. If there are plenty of jobs paying £50k+ he should have been able to find one without nepotism.

It's how the world works

It shouldn't but it does

The rich stay rich and all that

One thing I don't understand is why your husband's company wouldn't take him without experience but your stating he has plenty experience... Is he just not good enough to work with daddy or has daddy planted a mole on another company

It sounds to me like the friend is jealous of what you have been able to offer your child. It might not be fair, but an awful lot of jobs are offered through networking and that is the whole point of LinkedIn. When I had a corporate career I got a foot in the door through a family member and was offered career progressions from partner agencies once they saw my work ethic and output. When I switched careers, I was able to do so because of networks I had built. Your child doesn’t sound spoiled in the slightest, he just sounds incredibly lucky to have parents who want him to have the best start in what is an increasingly difficult life.

@Pherian ,

‘You are unreasonable because your son’s success is not because he earned it but because of nepotism and so is yours.’

It’s a mixture. He might have had advantages but no one can gift you a first class mathematical economics degree from LSE. It is an achievement regardless of your background.

‘This is what is being called out.

Of course everyone wants to do their best for their kids - but at what point do you step back and take the training wheels off. You are acknowledging the world isn’t fair then explaining how you are part of that.’

We are all a part of an unfair world, merely by being lucky enough to live in one of the wealthiest nations.

‘Every person your son works with will know your son didn’t earn the role through competition. Of course they will be nice to him - on the surface that’s how corporate culture works to a point. Behind his back though they will be aware there is a connection and he had’

People might start thinking that but, if he works hard and proves himself on merit, they will soon suspect it.

i used to work in an office with a few nepo babies (we didn’t call them that back then’). Some were great and some were awful.

I think the way your son got his job was dodgy. I know it happens but it doesn't make it right.

What is more annoying than that, though, are 2 things: firstly, you want MN to tell you it's OK and secondly you want us to tell you that your friend is out of order because she minds.

If you're going to use the Old Boy Network, then just do it, shut up and don't advertise. And have the empathy to realise that of course your friend is going to feel aggrieved - I would too! Life is so competitive now, even for the most high-achieving youngsters - have we really go to the point where, despite first class degrees etc, you still can't really get far without Mummy's and Daddy's friends? If so, that's very depressing. I know she asked, but if your told her the gory details, of course she's going to mind.

You hear lots of actors whose parents are in the business say that 'oh, the name only opens doors for you - then you have to prove yourself!'

Well, yes. Having a door opened for you is the Holy Grail that most people don't get. Many, many actors (to pick one eg where nepotism is rife) could do a great job but they'll never get the opportunity.

You are minimising your family's privilege. I don't mind privilege so much as long as it's acknowledged.

Good on him for getting this job. I hope the move to London goes well.

I think professional networking is different. If you're an adult and you do your own networking where you're recognised by your profession, then fair play to you. Of course you'll get known in your own professional world if you're good - and that's fine.

It's Mummy and Daddy doing it for you which I find cringey.

The OP said that he turned it down because the pay wasn’t great.

I get that not everyone RTFT but you could at least read the OP.

You did nothing wrong. Your son couldn't have used your connections if he didn't have the qualifications in the first place - all you have done is to make an introduction. Yes, it has given him a privilege his friend doesn't have, but at the same time, he's still got to actually do the job! And to all those crying "spoiled" - how is helping your children "spoiling" them? Doesn't every parent do what they can? They are only spoiled if they demand/expect help without thanks.

Well this is it. If you need to, obviously you would help your child through your connections, whether your connections are a CEO or plumber. I probably would keep it to yourself from now onwards as it does sting a bit. But equally, why would you not help your own child?! It is perfectly reasonable and he sounds like he will be fab.

I don't think anyone disputes helping your own child.

I think the issue is the son in the original post turned down a job, showing that actually he didn't need the help of his parents to secure a job. However by turning this down in the hope of something better, he soon realised that this wasn't going to happen and where he had the advantage of his dad knowing someone who created a job for him. There is no merit in him getting this job, he was the only candidate as it was said by the OP it was not advertised. They ticked the box of interviewing him but he walked into that interview knowing the job was his.

I missed the bit about the OP being an elitist millionaire.
You sound very bitter. Perhaps the OP could put in a good word for one of your relatives.

I worked in a pub after finishing uni and ended up getting a job because a regular customer suggested I have a chat with his friend, which has lead me to a whole career in accountancy.

i understand OP’s friend being disgruntled but everyone needs to make the most of every day interactions and help can come from unexpected places.

Don’t understand the ‘nepotism’ claims - the friend of OP’s DH said ‘there’s a job at my firm he should apply for’. Which he then did. Given that jobs are advertised on multiple sites and via diverse mediums, sometimes it is only because a friend seeing something on social media or in their own company and sends you a ‘saw this and thought of you, if you are still looking’ text that you know about the role. Is that nepotism?

The DH’s friend didn’t t say ‘ah, you must come and work at my place, I’ll have a word with HR and get him in.’

HR is generally very limited in its ability to hire based on a nudge and a wink from Giles Ramsbottom-Smarmy - they are legally bound to operate open and transparent and structured recruitment processes to protect themselves from the legal risk of discrimination claims. Corporate insurance policies require that this is the case as they will not cover a firm if it loses in a tribunal or any other legal case where it is shown that they flouted the expectations of employment law and the EQA etc.

I think people in this thread think that they are living in the 1980s fantasy world of a Jilly Cooper novel. The bigotry and classism displayed towards this lad and his mother is astonishing. Except that this is MumsNet, so maybe not.

Given that jobs are advertised on multiple sites and via diverse mediums

This one wasn’t advertised anywhere.

Does it matter?

AnonyMumAuDHD · Today 09:36
Don’t understand the ‘nepotism’ claims - the friend of OP’s DH said ‘there’s a job at my firm he should apply for’.

It's because the job wasn't advertised - he was told to bung in his CV and nodded through. No-one else knew of this job.

And the nepotism claims are due to it being all done through someone Daddy knew.

No-one needs to tell me this is how things work. I'm all too aware, but I find it depressing.

Where does it say that in what the OP wrote? You are adding detail that isn’t there. I assure you in today’s climate no firm is just making up a job for a mate’s child if the job isn’t necessary.

What does it really mean if a job isn't advertised? They are looking via referrals and or recruiters?

No, of course not.

I think companies could save a lot of money, time and effort by not advertising roles. Surely someone will know someone's son or daughter who's finished university and would fit in brilliantly?

It's obvious really.

😂