AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

My dad got me a job when I was 16 - as a hospital cleaner (domestic assistant). Way to go, dad ✊ 😀

Yes that's my take on this.

The OP is right that he has worked hard, and this was shown in him being offered a job which he turned down! Not sure why the offer to help his costs to stay in London weren't offered at this point by OP.

He then gets a job earning £5k more that Daddy found and suddenly that's fine and comes with mum and dad contributing to his costs!!

I don't see why the offer of help was only provided on the job that dad helped him get and this is where it sounds like he is spoilt.

If we believed in a meritocratic society your son would have taken the first job offered to him and felt happy with that. He wanted 5k more a year so mummy and daddy had to step in with a dusting of nepotism.

I think most parents, if they’re honest, would have done the same thing.

But you have a very warped view of what’s a low salary / starting salary - even in London. My dd is 23 and graduated in 2024 and hasn’t been able to find a graduate related job yet. She’s currently working part time in a cafe because this is all she’s been able to find - and not from lack of trying. £40k to most people is a LOT of money. It’s more than my dh earns, supporting a family of 4. You certainly shouldn’t be helping your son with rent / housing with that kind of salary! How is he going to learn independence? Dd is in the middle of moving to London, she’s going to be renting a flat with a friend for £900 a month and living on a min wage full time job salary for now.

I know someone who works at a well known company and they are not allowed to take on staff relations or children of friends as interns. I guess those young people can apply like everyone else, I'm not sure about that.

Contrast another company I know where the leadership spent so long umming and ahing about taking on a young person who asked if she could do work experience that she gave up in the end, while magically an internship materialised for one of their friends sons.

The graduate job market is incredibly tough. Thousands of applicants per vacancy. Firms end up using AI to sift applications, often written by AI. They are under pressure to be "University blind", and very beholden to whoever wrote the sorting algorithm.

One person we know was faced with a very weak short list for a technical maths/econ job, so went back to HR who let him access the full list of applicants. Lots of firsts from LSE/Cambridge etc with the skill sets he needed. All filtered out, by people who did not really understand the technical elements of the role, or who did not dare challenge the governing EDI aspirations of the organisation. Someone else reached the fifth stage for a prestigious public sector internship the year before and apparently narrowly missed out. But next year did not get as far as Zoom interview after seemingly failing an odd personality test. (A statistician, so would probably answered neither agree nor disagree ....until they had had a chance to look at the data) These tests are standard and you can apparently get better as you learn the sort of responses they like. But who can blame employers if faced with all of this, that they recruit people who are a known quantity and who they are confident can do the job.

Unintended consequences.

On MN most of the posts are by young people claiming their 'boomer' parents don't help them.
But if we do help them, it's spoiling them.
I haven't got either of my DC jobs, but I have housed them rent free.

he did turn down a job, that in its self was a bit silly, also I personally at this stage would let him pay his own rent and live in a place he can afford, subsidising him isn’t going to help him long term as he needs to learn to budget. The money you are currently spending on his rent is better saved for helping with a house deposit

This has to be rage bait.

Two incredibly privileged children having their rent paid for them in London so that they can “enjoy themselves”?

Yet young people on here who still live at home are destroyed at every turn because they’ve “failed to launch”

You personally have done what all parents would do I think but unfortunately it upholds a system where the same people have access to jobs in certain industries and it’s harder for people without those connections to get in.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts

What do you mean it didn’t exist on adverts? Do you mean they didn’t advertise the job and just interviewed him instead?

Your son is very privileged. You’ve helped him with two jobs so far and are going to help him with rent. That’s how he has the security to turn down a £35k job as a new graduate in a market where many other graduates are struggling even to get temp jobs.

Not saying you’ve done anything wrong, or at least anything that most parents wouldn’t do for their kids if able. But talking about giving your kid a leg up to someone else whose kid has to struggle without that sort of privilege and help can cause resentment.

Not exactly elites ?

He has the experience we’d just like for him to be paid well and not taken advantage of

Just because someone is the child of a friend , or a "known quantity" because they move in the right social circles/ went to the right schools doesn't make them any good at a specific job. I've been in the workplace for 30 years and seen plenty of those types recruited, and my experience is they are often spectacularly shit, but confident.

Word of mouth or friend/family recommendation isn’t unusual and never has been. Your friend is just jealous that she isn’t able to help out her own like you have.
My husband is an employer and we would definitely offer jobs to those we know before advertising them, why wouldn’t we? Those people still have to work hard and prove themselves like anyone else would.
My brother got his first ‘proper job’ in the city in the 90s through his best mate. Was the bottom rung but he worked hard and worked his way up and did very well.
You definitely are NOT being unreasonable.

You haven't done anything wrong, but I do feel really depressed by your post and the reality for my own young people.

It is not so much your DH opening the door, more that your DH seemed to decide 35k was not enough for his graduate son and now DS and his girlfriend on £70k between them are having their rent paid by parents to help them get established.

You're right, society is not fair, and many of us would do the same. We just aren't so used to seeing what we are up against!

Why is that bad ? Look at how much rent is in London then look at the salary. Why shouldn’t they be able to enjoy themselves with their salary if parents can help. Lots of my friends pay their children’s rent otherwise they wouldn’t have much left over.

I don't blame you for wanting to help your son but careful not to create a selfish monster there. It's not like he was desperate. He was being picky. When he failed, daddy rescued him. It doesn't bode well for the future.

It’s bad because he had a decent paid job offered to him on a plate, I’m sure you’d also have helped with the rent had he taken that but no, he wanted slightly more money so daddy got him a job instead.

He does have a decent house deposit when he’s ready to buy. The budget we gave him for London is 1.4k he’s house sharing not living on his own. The friends from school he’s house sharing with their parents pay their rent too. We paid his rent at university so he didn’t have to take the loan from SFE as that just becomes a graduate tax.

You're NBU to allow your son to use your network to get a job, of course anyone would do that.
But you're not acknowledging his privilege at all, and that will be annoying others who don't have the same privilege.

You mention rowing and international debating - I assume your DS didn't go to the local comp. Yes, he got a 1st from a good uni and he got internships etc and those things have led to his ability to get this job. But he's only been able to become this person because of your financial support, you yourselves being educated professionals, everyone he meets in his home life having a firm handshake and good eye contact and all that.

My DD has graduated and gone straight into a really good job. I know that lots of things have contributed to that and been the difference between her and the many others who haven't got one yet. Her hard work and her abilities yes, and some luck, but also lots of privilege.

After all he’s achieved your Son deserves it. The friend would be bottom of my Xmas card list. Hasn’t she heard of ‘It’s who you know’. He should be proud.

May or may not be rage bait, but I know that many London parents support their DC in some way, because of the housing crisis and lack of jobs.

Even more common in my British Indian community, where taking rent from your kids is like burning the house down. 😉

But he didn’t fail. We just didn’t think that was a good salary, they were hoping to take advantage of him. You should see how much they were paying him for his placement in third year. It was horrendous how anyone can be expected to live on that. Yet the company generates millions. They should pay people a good wage.

I'm amazed that there are companies that establish jobs for kids of friends of employees without a clear need and budgeted/fitting into the longterm plan. Wouldn't happen in the (>$3 Billion annual revenue) company I work for.

Not rage bait ? We just want to support our son as best as we can. Like every single parent in this country. We have the means to support him so why not. He’d like to live in London that’s where the jobs are, not in a village in Hertfordshire.