AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

You absolutely need EDI to ensure we don't fall back into 19th century class systems. Boy got a tap on his shoulder; I have no doubt there would have someone better suited for the 40k job than a farm shop kid.

Are you ops sock puppet?

Well it is life.
Some people will get more opportunities.
But your happiness and future can't be 100% organised.
Shit can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of privilege.

Look at Harry and William losing their mother at a young age.

Hell of a lot of waffle. Nepotism.

Thanks. Auto correct at its worst . But thank you

Lol how is that the same?

I’ve just got my son a summer job at my place of work , why wouldn’t I ? Pays well and suits me too.

She’s just jealous! Not much of a friend. You have given him every opportunity you can and unlike some kids it sounds like he’s seized them all with open arms.

Yes he is incredibly privileged but wouldn’t we all do the same for our children if we could?

I honestly don't know. Or don't care. The DS applied, was judged good enough and got in

You’ve done nothing wrong. This is how the world works.

I would take any nepotism I could get, sadly none has ever been forthcoming for me.

We definitely don't need EDI at all. You assess someone's application on its merits. Not to bock tix and try and bring up random diversity metricsy

Most people want to help their own families and most people are fairly selfish as well.

We see it all the time on here. People who bought their council houses don't feel bad if they sold them on for 3 x the price or more, people who live in Cornwall selling out to DFL's, people getting their kids into the best schools hook or by crook.

I don't think there's anything wrong or abnormal about this tendency, everyone who wants to leave an inheritance to their own children and not to children in general is basically advantaging them, but we don't think that's weird, it just seems in certain ways it's seen as sensible- like helping them get into a good school or ensuring they inherit if you remarry, and in other ways it's seen as highly destructive to society by giving them an advantage to get a job.

I think very very few people, if they had the opportunity to help their children get a good job would honestly turn it down, say nope, and open it up to hire anyone instead. That's how family companies are built, for starters.

I do agree that it's unfair, I just think most people would play the unfair game if they had the opportunity. Most people would buy a cheap council house if they could, get the best price for their house when selling, write a will to ensure their own descendants get the money- and isn't helping them by asking around to see if there are any jobs going similar to that?

Paying for his rent is your own foolishness as he doesn't need that if he's on 40k and in a shared house because it's better if he learns to budget and also learns his own motivations and drivers for doing better (or learns he doesn't care that much).

Look, it's this simple - your friend is jealous. That's it. That's all of it.

As is anyone bitching about what you did for your son getting him his job.

Every single person on this thread who is sniping about "privilege" has privilege themselves. Every last one of them. There are no people without privilege who have the time to sit on mumsnet on their smart device yammering on - including me.

But as I grew up with nothing, poorer than most of the twits on this site could even contemplate (my childhood sounds like a Monty Python sketch when I actually go into details), this actually gave me a refreshingly carefree attitude to what other people have.

I've never been envious. Jealous from time to time, sure, we all covet - but I don't let it eat like acid into my contentment.

I am just grateful for my good luck - which is a far better word actually in most cases than privilege. Most of us have what we have by a combination of good fortune and a lot of very hard work. I used that good fortune - being pretty and intelligent and open to new adventures - to my advantage, and that got me out of the shithole I grew up in, afforded me the chance to travel, meet new people, expand my outlook and, in the end, got me a decent life as I grow older.

The people who are bitching and whining at you won't be giving away their car, opening their house to hobos, handing over their salary except what they actually need to survive to charities. And nor should they. But until they do just that, never go on a holiday again, never again purchase an expensive item and live only at survival level, they have no right to be so bitter about your own good fortune.

The sooner people simply accept that there is always someone with more than you, better looks, more intelligence, more money, whatever it may be, and learn to just let it go instead of letting envy rule their lives the sooner they will stop bitterly seething over what you have and the happier they will be.

Your friend wishes she could have done for her child what you did for yours, and is looking for a way to blame you for her bitter envy. I wouldn't bother much with someone who does not wish you well.

Box tick. No idea about metricsy.

Obviously we do need equality and diversity (we’re not the US) so this kind of thing can’t happen.

Am not sure why you care what your friend thinks. If they were a good friend, they would be happy for your son that he got a good job. I voted you were being unreasonable for wasting your energy worrying about their opinion!

I’m so jealous omg

Correct. DEI is unnecessary and causes many horrifying issues. Just look at the case of the plagiarist liar who was the youngest Cambridge Professor. If they'd looked past the colour of his skin, he'd never have got in, he flatly plagiarised and lied through his teeth.

As well as destroying all faith in Cambridge University, and making them a laughing stock - they've destroyed the man's life too. He will never recover from the public humilation and God knows where he will get any sort of academic job in the future.

Blind applications on anything merit based are always the way to go.

Diversity shouldn't be magically sought after. I don't care if workers are white, brown, pink or blue as long as they do a good job. We can't all be equal.

I'd remove. Names. Gender and ages. But keep relevant information like university, subject, grades and previous work experience.

We can have equal rights and opportunities. And we absolutely should.

I would be mortified if my parents spoke to people about my salary, how much help they were giving me, etc. Why would you tell your friend this?

You understand EDI isn’t just about skin colour?

God, ain’t that the truth. Imagine managing THAT. PITA.

But not equal outcomes. Never

Yes, that's what I mean by blind submissions. You can only judge people on their own abilities and experience, names are a dead giveaway a lot of the time, and ageism is definitely a thing too.

Back when DEI started, we all called it "positive discrimination", as that is what it actually is. And we had high hopes for positive discrimination to redress any unfair advantages.

But DEI has spectactularly failed. It's time to go back to merit based applications on everything.

Thank you! Fully agree!