AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

I think this is it. To your mind, it is good, but not essential to stand on one's own two feet.

So, yes, you will be supporting him for life. You'll pay for his children's nursery fees, help when they convert the loft, you'll pay for the expensive pedigree dog at some point.

That is your version of parenthood, which is fine. You're not hurting anyone, and so far you have produced a son you are proud of.

I actually would have taken a very different tack to you when he turned down the £35k job. I would have dialled down the support, rather than doubled down on it. It sounds like he took an even less paying job with no prospects for a year? Who knows the opportunity taking the role in that big company, working hard, getting a promotion and more than £40k a year on OR moving to another company in a year might have done.

I wonder what the path you supported him in taking taught him?

Like I say, I don't think you did wrong, but it's a very privileged path to take and is about as far from equality as I can imagine. You do seem to be very ok with that.

Well done to you for giving him a leg up. Anyone with connections would be stupid not to use them. I think you did well
I am sure he will now go from strength to strength under his own steam.

But your DS got the job on the basis of an application and interview, so you didn't get him a job, you found an opportunity for him.

Your DF needs to do the same for her DS and stop. Moaning about how unfair things are. Nepotism is rife and always has been. I don't like it either but old boys/girls networks exist esp for those who attended public school...

He got a job that wasn’t advertised.
Therein lies the issue which demonstrates huge inequalities.
I'm not saying he didn’t deserve it but he should have had to apply like others and compete against those without connections

Honestly, your husband's friend should be sacked. Where I work even board members can't pull strings because nepotism is so frowned upon.

Obviously using your parents network to get opportunities is unfair. Breeds inequality, and leaves us in a situation where the best skilled / most able candidate isnt the one who gets the job.

As a parent, I like to think my DDs will do it on merit. However, if they were at home working a dead end job they only got because I knew the owners then I too would feel I had to help/give them a push.

Agree.

Sorry to disappoint but the principle is identical

You’ve done nothing wrong in helping, but equally you have to understand that for people who don’t have those kinds of connections it can feel really shitty and hopeless.
She said it’s unfair, and you yourself admit it is unfair.

Why do people think networking is a bad way to find a job? It is how people should get jobs. Linked in is a form of networking. Asking about, putting yourself out there, selling yourself is all part of job hunting. If you happen to stumble upon a lead - go for it. He’s done everything right. Sure not everyone has connections. I have connections in some industries but absolutely nothing in others. I struggled to get my children any work experience because of it. But I don’t begrudge those who did get it. Life isn’t just about everyone sending off a CV- personal skills are equally as important and demonstrating a bit of noise. Even without direct contacts there are other ways to network- maybe try school alumni or asking around friends who have got graduate jobs.

He got the farm shop job through privilege. He got this London job via privilege. Having parents 'help' pay his rent is privilege.

Why can't you accept that your son is in fact, privileged? When he clearly is. Which means your friend is absolutely right?

That said....I'm not completely convinced this isn't a wind up as you seem to be defending the right to be elitist by suggesting, it's just the way of the world. So why should anyone have a problem with it? You sound like a petulant, spoiled child.

But it only works if your parents have the sort of connections that are relevant to what you child wants to do. But the fact is everyone has connections!!! My child considered becoming a doctor but we knew none so didn’t have a single person to ask for advice of what work experience to do etc. some of the children at their school came from families of doctors so knew every trick on the book to get into their course. If my child wanted to get into film making I had quite a few connections- how? From my child’s state primary school as they were the parents of their friends. There were actually quite a few lawyers and accountants also- all from the state primary school! Connections come from all sorts of places but again only useful if relevant.

I was raised in a council house by a single parent who had to count the pennies till payday every month.

I got my first job as a waitress because my grandfather knew the cafe owner from chatting to him in the local betting shop, which allowed me to save for my first holiday, and start to build a CV which allowed me to get my next, better job, etc.

I went to a pretty rough state comprehensive school and our debating team won the regional championships, beating much more privileged schools. Because I was encouraged to participate, and we had a supportive teacher - debating is not a high cost past time.

My mum scrimped and saved to help me pay my way through university so I didn't have to take out a full student loan, and I could save some of the money I earned from my three fairly average jobs I worked the whole time I was in uni.

Despite not really being able to afford the fare and never having travelled outside of our village before, she also went with me on the train to Manchester to get interviewed for a job in an overseas summer camp, which gave me a great advantage when it came to graduate interviews.

She also donated a massive chunk of inheritance she had received to help us completely renovate the kitchen in our first house.

It's no different at all to what OP is doing for her son, and I come from the least "privileged" background you could imagine. I had a lovely mum. You sound like a lovely mum OP and good luck to your son for having such supportive parents.

Your Dad phoning a friend and asking if he could give you a job is not networking ffs.

Networking is personally building professional relationships over time.

Plus his parents are helping to pay his rent. The guy's dripping with privilege.

Who is to say it wasn’t advertised?

But They didn’t say that. They didn’t say they had to give their son a job. They mentioned their son was looking and the person said apply- that’s it. If the son had not got the right qualifications he wouldn’t have been interviewed. There is no indication that the son wasn’t qualified for the role. That is networking.

like I say, it was luck that there was a connection. Everyone can form their own network at the school gate which is where, in my experience, most networking comes from.

@icingonmycupcake Yes, he's very lucky. But I disagree that networking is just about professional relationships, IMO personal relationships can count too. I've let people know that a friend's young adult child is looking for work, for example, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

To be honest these instances are so upsetting for us who grew up in London, earn pittances and can't even afford to live here because we don't have daddys connections. I get how your friend is feeling

"AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?"

No, not wrong. However, after reading your posts you do sound like a snob, an elitist and entitled.
ie Why should my son suffer? 🙄

Ha! You do not understand what EDI is, do you? There was no other application. It was pure nepotism/privilege. This is how you end up with bot the smartest people but the best connected people which systematically prevents candidates who are potentially better from getting positions.

Your post smacks of racism/sexism

Yanbu. Well done to your son for doing so well and working hard. There is nothing wrong in anything you did.

Yeah, working class people trying to keep their kids fed vs elitist millionaires creating non-existent jobs well above national graduate starting salaries for kids whose parents still pay their outgoings so they can "enjoy life". Totally same. Poor being kept in poor jobs and rich kept in rich jobs.

So, no student loan? No rent? Living it up in London and turned down a graduate job as the salary wasn't good enough for him?! And to add salt to the wound, he cruised into a job whilst other well suitable candidates are struggling.

I can see why your friend is upset for their own DC.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, anyone would help their child to get started if they could.

Your son sound like a worthwhile chap, not spoiled at all, and he'll be on his feet before too long.

Be proud! Pay no attention to those with sour grapes, your friend would no doubt have done the same had she been able and probably does help hers where she can.

Best not to tell people in future, you never know who is going to be resentful.

Again a door was opened he applied and impressed and met the requirements. Good on the lad