AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

It is very unfair and he is extremely lucky but you could say that about a lot of things.
I paid for my children to learn to drive and paid for their cars (to lots of people that may be normal to me it was a struggle.) I also have house deposits for them. So you could call them spoilt and it’s not a level playing field. But my eldest works incredibly hard as well. My youngest is lovely but not doing very well in his A levels so we will see but whatever he does in his life whilst I’m alive I’ll support him.

So morally it’s a funny one that you have offered so much help. It isn’t really fair but I would have done the same if I had those contacts.

£35k was not enough for him to 'live on' with his rent paid for him? Wtf? What on earth does he live on, caviar and champagne?

You have the right to help your son.

But you need to understand he is privileged. Maybe he is a hard worker in your eyes, and ticking all the boxes, but plenty of Londoners have to work 100x harder than he probably ever has to because they don’t have this privilege.

Just have abit more empathy, and don’t brag. I’m sure you are aware of your friends position, offer to help her child out if you can. I will help my child, and if I can, I will also lend a hand to a friends child, if they are capable too.

I can see why your friend is frustrated, but are you really friends?

Nauseating privilege turning down a £35k first job, going travelling and then have daddy's mate arrange a £40k job for you where you don't have to compete against other candidates in a fair recruitment process.

Just shows privilege and entitlement and clearly that's who you have raised your son to be.

Do what you think is right but others will rightly judge you for it so the best way to avoid being judged is avoiding normal people and stick to a tight entitled and privileged social circle.

Networking in a professional context is the thing you do yourself by the way - not the thing daddy does for you.

In the uk in 2026 you need to be connected and have gone to private school and good uni to find a graduate job paying more than £25k. You story confirms it. It is very sad.
you have not broken any law but morally you have done a poor thing as your son won’t have got the job without your intervention and connection taking it away from the best possible candidate. You can say it would have anyway gotten to someone they knew, which shows a very poor system where only the ones you are in the elite enters.

Just genuinely acknowledge to your friend that your son is indeed very privileged to have been given the opportunity he has, that life is not fair and the world would be a better place if all young people had similar opportunities, and she will probably stop banging on about it. Your attitude in response to her saying it’s unfair is probably wildly pissing her off, and I don’t blame her.

It's just entitlement. Most graduates would be estatic to find a grad job and start on that figure and work their way up. But it wasn't good enough for OP's son. Just shows he had the luxury to turn it down and not worry about it.

This is not true. Neither of my children went to private schools and we did not use any connections to help them get summer placements or get on grad schemes.

I don’t know if this has already been shared on here but…
Which one is your son?
https://www.wordonthestreets.net/Articles/569596/On_a_plate.aspx

Agree.

Helping friends and family to find a job is normal behaviour. What’s not normal is to have access to a job that hasn’t been advertised. That’s really unfair and to be honest I’d think that the employer is lazy.

I’d also think they’re likely to have a workforce of disloyal people who’ll jump ship as soon as another offer from their ‘network’ comes along. So not a great place to work.

That aside. I’d keep your mouth shut about how your son got his job and what he earns.

No, you don’t. I employ people in their early 20s, some without degrees, and all without private education on £35k+. None have come me through “connections”, all have applied for advertised jobs.
As someone who did not grow up in privilege, who has never received financial or “contacts” help from anyone at any time, I don’t think op has done anything wrong at all.
Op recognises her fortunate position and I think it would be far worse if she had the means to assist her DC but refused to. Her son obviously works hard, he isn’t feckless or lazy. He will be fine op and you’ve done the right thing.

'That aside. I’d keep your mouth shut about how your son got his job and what he earns'

Totally agree.

Laughing at OP desperately looking for justification so brings Covid into it! Literally every child / young person in the world has been affected by covid. The ones affected most are from families who didn't have the resources to counter the restrictions and effectively support the DC and home school. So this is an absolutely ridiculous argument.

Accept the fact that your DS is incredibly privileged and will never know what it is to struggle and live with it. If you / he can help others along the way with similar opportunities then great, but have some sympathy for people who will never have what you have.

Totally agree with this.

Can't speak for anywhere else, but that's the policy that the nhs has for recruitment - name, address, age and ethnicity removed, disability removed unless applying under guaranteed interview scheme.

But university is often a huge give away - if an applicant did their degree in Delhi for example it makes it fairly obvious.

I do agree with your point that jobs should be given on merit, it should be the best candidate who applies following open advert. Which wasn't the case here, OP's son wasn't brave enough to go up against other applicants, he won a race of 1.

You son has worked hard and did very well at university, and you are rightly proud of him. In previous generations that would have been enough for the majority to secure a good first job leading to a good well paid career, without any extra parental help or good connections.

Sadly that is not enough nowadays. Recognition that privilege and advantage in starting life as a fully fledged adult gained through parental assistance is important. That doesn't mean you have done wrong helping your son, but you ought to try to show some empathy for those students that have still worked equally hard but haven't been so lucky, and for other worried parents that are unable to give their offspring the same help. Opportunities are not equal for all.

Sorry but this is nonsense.

She says in in first post ‘didn’t take in off anyone it didn’t exist in an advert’

Nonsense, health professionals graduate salary is more than 25k - most haven't gone to private school, aren't 'connected' beyond making a good impression at their unpaid work placements.

But I agree it's a poor thing OP has done, but by her son more than anyone "my parents don't think I can get a job on my own merit so they had to pull strings to get me a job, I must not be as smart as I thought I was that I can't get a job on my own merit against other candidates, I have to be 'placed'. 'My parents still have to support me, I can't acheive the lifestyle I want from my own hard work, I'm still getting pocket money like a child'. It creates a dependency rather than independence. Physically he will have left home, emotionally/financially - he is still attached to his parents.

This. My DB is very successful in a particular well paying industry that both his DC now work in. They got through interviews on their own merit and are both very bright but DBs phone calls to senior contacts certainly opened the doors. I don’t begrudge them and are pleased they are doing well but it does make me feel a bit inadequate that my kids won’t have those opportunities and will have to battle with other graduates/ school leavers for very few jobs.

Well quite, everyone witters on about how terribly paid nurses and teachers are, when the starting salaries are far higher. Pharmacy it’s 40k standard (in the nhs).

It’s a strange world we live in that people who turn their noses up at these jobs think minimum wage is all graduates can expect.

💯 this.
This thread is so frustrating, that people are equating getting a low paid job stacking shelves at the supermarket where your mum works, to swanning into an incredibly well paid job in London because daddy sorted it out for you, and then getting your rent paid! It is not the same, because the elite (yes they are elite) positions, salary and lifestyle available to the latter person, are all but closed off to the former.

I think AI will lead to a return to referral recruitment as it’s so difficult to choose between a lot of generic cvs.

And as someone who frequently recruits, frustrating number of applications are done by AI so they are al generic. I run them through an AI detection software and automatically reject all that have been AI generated.