AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

I think you haven’t really done anything wrong, but I’d question whether you are really, truly helping him long term. £40k job AND help with his rent? I know London is expensive but really? How is he going to learn to live within his means? To budget? Sometimes it’s by having to make do and go without everything we want that we learn and grow. Having no money at the end of the month is very humbling especially when it’s not something you’ve ever really had to be concerned about before.

Just because you CAN help, doesn’t mean you always should. How about, instead of helping him with housing costs, he opens a Lifetime ISA and everything he saves into it each month towards his first house deposit, you match it? There’s lots of options but I think there’s a point where sometimes doing less is actually going to benefit him more
in the long run.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

You don't need to feel any guilt, your friend is jealous and focusing that on you rather than doing more work to support her own child.

Hilarious, the best connected for graduate level jobs are the middle class who mix with working people and lots of them.

Ask her if her son was offered a job would she demand he turn it down.

It isn’t ridiculous. There are countless studies regarding meritocracy and social class.

@OneMerryFinch
My God; aren't you the lucky one?
So privileged
But you just don't know it.....

I have a less good degree from a less good university than your DS. I graduated in 2008: the height of the financial crisis.

I got really good competitive jobs all by myself in London, always paid my own rent (DPs were stony broke), moved down by myself and kept myself in work there ever since.

You've robbed your son of that sense of achievement. And paying the rent? Utterly ludicrous.

Oh, and it’s not just what “everyone does”. Both DH and I got where we are in top London professions with no family help.

YABU.

@OneMerryFinch
And matter of factually
Just don't care
But long as you get yours
It's all good
Isn't it??

You cannot possibly equate a practice that happened in working class comunities years ago ( when there were still jobs on the docks) with someone using their impressive and exclusive network to get their child a very sort after position. One is ensuring an enduring substantive income the other is ensuring that their child remains one of the privileged elite. Not the same at all

.

No wonder we need EDI.

Just ignore her.

Really, there's nothing special about bing a Durham grad

Smacks of humblebragging

This kid will grow up spoilt and entitled

When it comes down to it a lot of roles do come from recommendations and it can be a case of who you know. This works in all spheres of life, getting a positive acknowledgement, but this has to backed up with being known to be reliable and able.

The downside is that someone who didn't have the connections but equally as good doesn't get a look in.

However we do everything we can for our DC to get started in their career do I would do the same. Xx

Except it is

Dock jobs were not assured keeping it in the family ensures family money the bosses knew if they had families in they had loyalty people would work harder so they didn't show the family up by being flaky mums would make sure sons got into work so they would tip up at the end of the week generations working fir one company each trying to outdo the last

Absolutely. This happened. But the OP was asking if she was unreasonable. I agreed she was doing the best for her child as would everyone. However most of us do not have that sort of access or influence and many equally talented kids will not get similar positions, not because their parents haven't worked hard enough

You helped your son, as most would. But have some self awareness about how very privileged this makes your DS. At what point do you plan to stop helping him out?!

And is girlfriend is getting her rent paid by her parents so she can “enjoy herself” while working a job in publishing? Jeez. There’s a reason why some industries are full of privilege.

*sought after

I doubt there were any requirements as the job was created for him it sounds?

He got in on his merits. He did well at the interview. We don't need EDI/DEI nonsense. No one does. Hire on merit alone. Especially not on race lanes

Yes absolutely. But this part of the thread was whether OP's son has 'cheated' a more able candidate from getting the job. And OP said something along lines of that the job didn't even exist before so they hadn't. So then the question arose if whether it was actually a real necessary essential job, of whether the role was created for OP's son.

How do you hire on merit in a one horse race. There might have been better candidates but they didn’t get the chance to apply.

He didn't get on only on his merits. It's very easy to be the top candidate if are the only person interviewing!

I don't think you've done anything wrong ref getting him the job.

I do think you are treating your adult son like an infant paying his rent tho, so yes your friend is correct he's very spoilt indeed.