AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

This is how it works the elites make sure they stay elite by giving each other jobs and advancement the peasants should know their place. Next time someone asks don't admit to the nepotism it never ends well.

You’ve done nothing wrong but surely you can see how fortunate your son is that you have that network. A bit of empathy for those that don’t might help preserve your friendships

YNBU to help your son. Friend is NBU to mention what a huge level of privilege son has.

Surely anyone in your situation would have done the same thing?

I have a 16 year old currently struggling to find their first part time job. I've been asking everyone I know if they know of anything and would happily encourage him to take an opportunity if offered

I'm 100% certain your friend would've done the same for her son if she was in the same position.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. At all.

You friend is frustrated though, so just have a empathetic ear.

Is she saying you shouldnt have done it, berating you etc etc? If that's the case I'd back away from her until she calms down.

In this job market, any parent would have done the same. Those who say they won't are lying. But don't tell everyone.

You’re also helping him with rent otherwise he probably couldn’t afford to live in London. Yes that’s what we do as parents, but you must see that not everyone would be able to do this? Your ds is privileged to have parents who can give him a leg up. Your friend is just probably downhearted about her ds struggling and that she can’t give him the same sort of leg up.

Youve done nothing wrong, as long as you werent crowing about it.

A lot of people are bitter about this sort of thing though as youve seen, but most if not all of us would help our DC get jobs if we could surely. Id get my DC a job in a heartbeat but they dont want to get into my industry. Well DS2 might hes still sussing what he wants to do out tbf so maybe...

Friend is jealous.

Don't tell people stuff.

Hundreds walk into jobs undeservedly but sounds like your son actually has talent. Well done to you as a family.

Between the farm shop job and the graduate job you do seem to be doing lots of arranging for your son well beyond the age he should be independent, taking initiative and live on his own two feet. It does sound like he is spoilt.

He does sound spoiled - he turned down a really good job opportunity with a standard graduate wage because he wanted more money. He couldn’t find more money so daddy created a job opportunity for him. That isn’t a world the vast majority of young people live in.
Likewise overseas debating trips and rowing - you see them as your son working hard but for the majority of kids those opportunities literally don’t exist whether they work hard or not.

At least have some self awareness that he’s in an exceptionally fortunate position because of the life you’ve provided, not because he’s some astoundingly talented hard worker.

I would have done exactly the same for my kids. But it grates on me that the system is so unfair. Privilege begets privilege. I'm not sure the human race has ever developed a social system that gets around this, effectively and sustainably.

I think the spoiled bit is turning down a 35k job and then getting an extra 5k plus parents paying his rent. Thats staggering; the average is 30k for a new grad.

‘Twas always thus.

but I agree don’t talk about it

Of course you are going to do whatever needed to support your son. But I can definitely see why your friend is frustrated, your son is getting an unfair advantage rather than earning all his opportunities himself. You mention how he worked hard at school, got his own internship etc - that is something thousands if young people do, it doesn't make him out of the ordinary. At a guess from the way you talk, he went to a private school? So already had an advantage, and even with that he couldn't get a job which earned what he/you thought he deserved?

It's the way of the world unfortunately - children should all get an equal start, but there is no way to make this a reality.

Good for him that he has the opportunity, but I wonder if he will look back and think 'I didn't earn this, do I deserve it'. It can be so tempting as a parent to swoop in and rescue them, but they do learn from forging their own path and success.

35k is above the salary of many young people living in London, many families even, and a decent starting salary

"DHs friend opened a door" . For many young people not only does that door stay closed but they don't even know where it is. Opportunities go to those who are already advantaged. As shown by the fact the job wasn't even advertised. Yes of course we all want to help our kids on an individual basis but it's as well to have some acceptance that it actually isn't fair on a societal level.

Young people need all the help they can get these days and I'm sure she would have done the same for her son too if she had the chance

You would have to be a stupidly poor parent to NOT give your kids a leg up if you can.

Absolutely this is how the 'elite' stay elite. My friend group have helped each others kids out over the years via our various networks etc. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Both DH and I come from poorer backgrounds, started with no network and built our own. The whole point of doing well is for our kids to stand on our shoulders.

MY kids are my number one priority. Anyone who thinks I wont move heaven and earth to get them sorted can go fuck themselves.

Your mistake was in sharing the info/rubbing her nose in it.

Is your friend just sharing her opinion / venting? The world is unfair and she feels sad for her son.

Is she continually banging on about it and telling you you’ve done the wrong thing? Or are you dwelling on a one off conversation?

I can't blame you for doing your best for your son but it is unfair. There's lots of young people who will have worked just as hard as your DS and who are just as intelligent who don't have parents who can network them in to a good job or support them with the cost of getting settled in London.

you are helping him which is your right.
its also her right to point out his privilege. I think you need to live with whatever uncomfortable feelings come up for you in that regard

You're not wrong to get him the job, but of course he is spoiled if you're helping him pay his London rent! He could just house share like a normal person

DS, a fresh economics grad though with a masters, has just got a job paying £50 k in London.

Why is it spoilt to get as much as you can? Rents are super high. I am not paying his rent though.