AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Your friend's son now has the connection of knowing your son is working at a particular company. Instead of using that information to enquire whether there are any jobs or placements going that are suitable for her son, she chose to be bitter about it. The world is unfair and people are privileged in many different ways in life. The fact her son has a Mum who took enough of an interest in his academic life and supported him going to university is a much bigger privilege than many children get.

I've never had any kind of leg up from my parents (both working class, so no contacts anyway) and have spent my life being underemployed, but I can't get annoyed about people helping their children if they have the contacts. I know plenty of people whose friends have recommended them for jobs, that's just how the world works. These people have effectively opened these doors for themselves by socialising and building their own networks, which everyone is free to do.

I would take a lesson from it and tell people less. If course a parent will help their son. But he is very privileged getting his renr paid and his dad getting the job for him.

She has made her point though and now needs to back off.

Why on earth would you tell a friend about your sons salary? That's not your news to share.

Would he have been so 'bold' without the safety net of parents who could pay his rent and find him another job?

I very much doubt it.

Any young jobseekers without parents who could cushion them from the realities of life would have jumped at the 35K job.

It’s the same at every level of work, if your parents are plumbers they will have trades connections, was David Beckham not allowed a kick around with his children because other parents aren’t professional footballers and it gives them an advantage ? Your mistake was in being too open, you are probably not a jealous person, it comes as a shock when you realise how many people have jealousy as a character trait.

Well precisely, so why not take the job he earned through merit?

You are right.
Your friend is wrong.
Your son is lucky.

YANBU at all. I would and will do the same for my children. He has worked hard, he secured the job after you opened a door.

Your friend was just disheartened.
I hope you offered to ask around your connections on his behalf too, Op.

You son might hear of opportunities to which he can alert friend's son.

Why are you telling people your son’s financial business? Very weird.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, but surely you do realise nothing good was going to come out of spelling it out in so many words to a friend whose son is struggling to find graduate work.

Should have glossed it over a bit, some details are best kept to yourself, not because you have things to hide, but because, as you found out, people can be bitter/jealous.

Wow.
I'm amazed companies on 2026 don't have robust and fair recruitment.

From age 15 he’s been working, all together he managed to save up £7k himself. We have a trust for all our children. Contributed to by extended family members, birthday money etc since they were born so hopefully they choose to spend it on house deposits.

But he does have those parents and he's taken advantage of that. As another poster said, he's one of thousands of graduates entering the workplace. The rest is up to him now.

Never talk money with anyone these days. No one knows what my son will be earning. Or what I earn. These are touchy subjects.

You’ve done nothing wrong, I’d do the same in your situation

but it is really infuriating to hear about kids getting jobs so easily when 99% of young people are really struggling so I’d not admit this to other parents in future

You've done nothing wrong about opening doors, but it's mad to have shared the details with anyone, especially the salary, which is not your business to mention anyway.

Who can honestly say, they wouldn't have done the same? It's not just among the priveledged elite, the nhs is full of relations 😂

Give him a break? He's had no shortage of those already!

I actually did offer and my husband is talking to a friend about it and hopefully we can get him interviewed for something.

My son didn’t just get the job, he had to be interviewed, he had to do a technical test, coding etc. He isn’t just getting a job, he also has to have the skills they’re not going to train someone from scratch are they

Because he can earn an extra 5k - if he invests that extra money, he'll soon have built a comfortable pot for the future.

I had to laugh when I read about your sons girlfriend.
The publishing industry is full of these super privileged kids. They then have the gall to create all these "levelling the field" schemes looking for "writers from underrepresented backgrounds".

It sounds like you're being incredibly controlling. Was it your idea that he leave the previous job? You do know that he's an adult, don't you?

Just be careful - he may end up resenting you for not letting him make his own decisions.

Why should he suffer ? I am not against young people getting breaks it’s been very hard for them, COVID now cost of living crisis, job vacancy crisis. He is at the age where he was affected by Covid and we recognise that.

He’s earning £40k and you’re helping him out with his rent? Fuck me cut those apron strings! You’ve raised a privileged little prince. And before anyone leaps at me - both my DCs love and work in London, on slightly lower salaries, no mummy and daddy help and very nice lifestyles (several holidays a year, festivals, nice Zone 2 flats to rent).