AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

It’s a tough one.

I think all parents help their children ‘launch’ and I wouldn’t begrudge them that (I intend to do the same).

Are you really giving them £1.4 k per month help with rent? That seems an awful lot for a house share! How much spending money do you think they need per month? Shouldn’t they at least be learning to budget?

You do need to compromise help with building dependency. I think, in your case, he should have taken the external job offer, got some experience, and then moved to something more lucrative.

Interesting. I both agree and disagree with with you. I think what they said was rude, it sounds like he worked hard and I think a lot of parents would have done what you've done. I don't think you can call him spoilt because of the privileges he's enjoyed. It's a character judgement and he might be or he might not be, you say he's not and so I will take your word for it. However, I do think there's some value in acknowledging why he was able to succeed where others weren't. This isn't a criticism of you or to sound moralistic but to realise how different it might be if he was bought up in poverty or disabled for example.

Yes that’s certainly my fault. She was pushing and I guess I crumbled and was honest.

YANBU to help him. However you could also acknowledge that he has had more support and access to opportunities than many other kids do and encourage him to recognise and appreciate this, eg debating abroad, travelling, doing internships etc.

He has worked hard, yes, but having parents who can support him financially, logistically and emotionally has given him a huge advantage in our current society. All kids should have this but sadly many don’t.

You have not done anything wrong . Anybody who says they would not move heaven and earth for their children is not being truthful! I am currently trying to to help DS, DGS and my SIL find work ( not in London) and asking just about everybody I know . It’s a tough jobs market at the moment.

You didn’t do anything wrong per se imo, but our society is grossly unfair, and your son’s situation is a demonstration of that. It’s myopic of you to not recognise the immense privilege he enjoys and the unfairness of that, even while he has achieved plenty through his own hard work. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I think it's immoral to not help your kids out if you're in a position to do so, so crack on!

Is your friend's son particularly talented? Perhaps your DH could speak to him and see if there is anything he could recommend? Now that your own DS is sorted.

Of course you are being perfectly reasonable to help your son. But you need to button your lip and not tell people - either in real life or on platforms like MN. It sounds like you are either humble bragging or need validation about how fortunate you are.

What did you hope to find out by posting on aibu 😂

Most places him and his friends looked at 1000 before bills and everything else. He also has to be near good tube connections to be able to get to work without it costing too much of a long commute. He’s not in central London or even anywhere near but he’s very well connected in terms of transport. He also wanted to live near other grads/young working professionals. I think it’s understandable for him to want to socialise.

Yeah, me too. This is pure rage bait.

Because for most people the reality is you need to take a job to work for money. This is where your son is fortunate (and spoilt) by having you fund him in other areas. Without this he would have to take whatever job he could get.

Posts like this really help me understand something that as a young working class grammar school kid I did not - how my peers were able to afford things I could not when we were earning the same graduate salaries. I was so naive.

Does he know you've posted this 🤔

Yes very talented. My husband has spoken to him and is speaking to his friends to see what he can do. He’s an economics graduate so there’s opportunities it’s just getting your foot in the door and avoiding AI sifting instead just going to an interview and showcasing his skills.

This

He liked the job fine though he just thought he deserved better, kudos for instilling that confidence in him I suppose, he probably knew someone connected would give him a better opportunity.

You seem quite naive that your son is
getting life handed to him, which is fine he isn't alone in that aspect, but you don't recognise he and you are privileged.

Your friend is probably just frustrated and worried about her child's future. It can be a stressful time launching a child and some obviously do have it easier, that's life. A bit of kindness would go a long way.
Maybe be a little less forthcoming on the details too. Your son surely wouldn't want his business spread around.

I'm glad someone has called this out for the humble brag it is. Putting up a thread for exactly the same reasons she told the friend. Some people can't keep their privilege quiet and then become 'confused' about the response they get from people who couldn't hope to be in the same position. Generally gets passed of as jealousy to avoid any introspection.

Well there’s 150 employees so I think they’re able to just recommend people and they just get interviewed. The owner went to school with my husband. It’s not a huge company but still willing to give my son a chance at something that he’s passionate about.

I see it this way.

I got a student job from an advert in the paper. I then got a full time job working for the man who owned that student job company. I stayed five years.

When I'd had it to the back teeth of the job, and had been too scared to look around, but then did start, one of my friends said 'Why are you even bothering? They are going to scan your CV, not even read it - put it in a scanner and scan for key words. You have worked for a one man band and not even been on a training course!'

I was really upset and scared by that. But what could I do? I had no other choices than to press on and find a new job despite things like that.

In the end a woman who worked for us rang me up and pitched a job at her new company to me and I got in there, and got a pay rise. But meanwhile I was offered an interview elsewhere too and they were very keen. A completely closed door that I'd found and applied for.

What I learned was it cannot matter what others are doing. If no one is going to help you, then you are going to need to help yourself, so stop looking at other people's situation and get stuck in, and always believe that there is one person, one situation out there that needs you. There is always a situation for you, and it doesn't matter if others get their position their way, you find your position your way.

That attitude has taken me far I'd say.

The company isn’t even 15 years old. We haven’t got him a job at Financial Times or the economist.

Of course he can. But twice now you've asked, "Why should he suffer?"

It's this idea of yours that if he doesn't have the absolute best he can get, then he's "suffering" - that's what is putting people's backs up.

@OneMerryFinch ,

But why do you need to pay all his rent? Why not pay a fair amount towards it, and then he would make a compromise relative to where he lived and how much he wanted to contribute?

Are all his friends from wealthy backgrounds? If not, he will have a lot more disposable income than them, and they will want to socialise in very different ways.

There is a balance between helping and building dependency on you. You say he is ‘only’ 22. That isn’t such an ‘only’.

I appreciate that he has worked hard and done well, but he also needs to learn to compromise and build resilience as an adult.

Interesting narrative you have created with your words here. She ‘pushed’. You ‘crumbled’ and were ‘honest’. The language used implies you had no agency and were simply guided by your good morals.

Instead, is there some learning for you here about social awareness, tact and acknowledging your privilege, in future conversations? It’s likely that a simple ‘I know it must seem really unfair’ could have gone a long way.