AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

@OneMerryFinch I worked for a company that made 1400 of us redundant across the country when it failed.
A local employment agency came in to help us, and we were told that only 20% of jobs were advertised, the rest filled internally or through networking.

Good luck to your son in his career.

This. He is very fortunate. Many people in.London are bringing up families on his first graduate-job salary.

Nothing wrong with helping your son but recognize that you helped him and that not everyone is in a position to do so.

Also nothing wrong with him turning down a job if he didn’t want it but turning it down due to a salary of ‘only’ 35k is a short sighted. Does this made up job he now has have as good development and promotion opportunities as the other? If not he might have made a bad move

I am acknowledging it is a privilege. He knows it’s a privilege he’s very grateful. Our son has always worked hard all through school, head boy, rowing, debating, maths competitions. Why not just give him a little break. We aren’t planning to pay his rent all his life we’d like to give him a decent start.

I can understand your friend's frustration. Ultimately though, you haven't done anything wrong. Just try to have some sympathy for those without the money and connections you have, and hopefully your son and his friends recognise that they are very privileged to have rent paid for them and that not everyone they meet will be in the same shoes, so if making new friends etc try to ensure meet ups aren't too expensive. I've never had an issue with people having money, but it can sting when people are absolutely oblivious to others being on lower budgets.

I think some people can get quite nasty and jealous about these things, but a) everyone wants the best for their child and will do what they can to achieve that and b) if you have money, why wouldn't you spend it on your children to make their lives a bit nicer.

Yanbu, it’s how the world works, for better or worse.

I’m cringing at the level of privilege and entitlement coming out of your post. Your post is so depressing to me. Did your son go to private school? If so, maybe educate yourself about the 93% club. Sophie Pender will enlighten you as to why your behaviour is extremely unfair.

I think you are protesting a little too much now.

This is a bit tone deaf. Yes you’ve helped your son because you can but perhaps be a bit more empathetic to people who can’t help their children in the same way.

In this case you were asked a direct question and were honest with your answer so you can’t really do much about that. Would probably have been worse if you tried to cover it up in some way. If the friend doesn’t want to hear an honest answer she probably shouldn’t ask the question.

We are aware of this. I was actually made redundant last year.

This is how the world works. Even if you found all his internships for him, I wouldn’t judge. We set up our children’s work experience in secondary school as we (I) have the right connections. Something I can’t help with it get them part time jobs while they are studying as I don’t have connections in those places that hire young people. Where my kids friends have got part time jobs and often it’s because their parents work in those shops/pubs or they work in them.

Thats exactly how life works.

No he did not attend private school

She’s mentioned it continuously since the initial conversation

Why would anyone take the first job offered to them if they believe they're worth more than the salary offered? It was a sensible move. Hopefully, he will move up the career ladder quickly and be bold in negotiating salary increases. He's done well.

This just sounds like rich and privileged failure to launch. Only gets a job if it pays well enough and mummy won't will me what that should be. Job in London because that's where it's happening and I want to be. London if mummy and daddy pay rent so I'll just go with their budget. I don't need to plan budget or think as obviously I won't be paying You're doing the best you can for your child but the best you can seems to be absolutely preventing him being an adult. You're even doubling down on your privileged elite position and saying everyone does it no they really really don't.

Over sharing is never a good idea. You have given us far too much information & you are far too invested in his life. Back off.

What a nasty reply
majority of parents would ask there friend irrespective of class or background
you can be elite as you want but at the end of the day the person has to be suitable

How does he have a house deposit when he hasn't really worked? Or did he save it through weekend jobs and holiday jobs when at school? Can't be much of a house deposit in London terms from doing that?

Grammar school?

I think what you have done is what a lot of parents do. That scaffolding or support is what makes difference. Plus financial support along the way eg paying rent whilst doing internships, financial support at uni so they can afford not to work every spare minute in holidays and do internships.
While there are schemes to help social mobility, having switched on and supportive parents with connections makes a massive difference.
It’s often all very unspoken.
I don’t blame you for what you have done but definitely recognise the privilege.

Eh, it’s one of those situations where you’ve done what anyone would if they could. But you’re also making the world a harder place for anyone who isn’t as privileged as you, so other people aren’t unreasonable to think it’s shitty.

It’s only 5 Grand extra for heavens sake. Your son is a graduate, one amount many whose been lucky because his parents knew someone. He didn’t get the job on merit alone. Hr got it because your husband asked around.

Really? You want praise for this?

The rich are out in force this morning defending their positions!

We were always going to pay his rent at least for the first 2 years while he’s in London. He’s only 22 not yet 23 give him a break. His generation don’t have much of chance with the way the world is at the minute.

I should have specified that more clearly. We were always going to pay his rent. He wants to live in London so we will support him. There’s not much opportunity in a village for a 22 year old graduate.

He's obviously gone to a far better than average school. Most kids don't get the opportunity to debate or row. This privilege will have stood him in good stead to get into Durham. The privilege of having gone to Durham will assist him his whole life. He is privileged, no doubt about it, and he has been given another leg up in the form of a job through his Dad.

He may have worked hard and he sounds like an intelligent kid, but what gets up people's noses is that the 'working hard' does a lot of heavy lifting in the lives of people with privilege and the privilege bit is usually glossed over.

Can't remember what it's called but there is a phenomena whereby people who have done well attribute it to them having worked hard and any failures are down to bad luck, whereas the same people look at others less privileged than themselves and apply the exact opposite metrics. Failures are down to not working hard enough and opportunities are seen as just being lucky. The British class system is insidious.