AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

Aside from the unfairness of it all id be absolutely gutted if the person I love chose to not spend any time with me (and the children).

Time is the most precious gift. Choose wisely

They keep trying to make up scenarios that make the guy this poor guy without any actual facts. I have no clue why they keep quoting these random 5 days for Christmas but it would be quite easy to ask the OP what is actually needed for these things, however making up scenarios seems far better for this person which I dont get either.

OP what does your Husband actually need to take for inset days and Christmas? Does your Husband actually cover sick and is there a typical amount? how much does he actually get free for himself? I think rather than some people constantly speculating it might be easier to have actual numbers so then people can answer without making up random figures.

I’d sit him down and explain to him:

• It is the 6 week holidays, most parents take some annual leave - it’s absolutely expected to have spent with their parents during this extended leave
• He’s lucky to have any days for him, as you don’t and most other parents have to use their annual leave solely to cover kids holidays
• As a parent, when not working the vast majority of the time you’re looking after your children

I’m sure he’s slightly bitter you get so much time off work, however, if you’re covering all the holidays when is he spending quality time with his kids? It’s important, he shouldn’t resent taking time off to spend with his children.

We’ve always worked full time, annual leave is always sparse. Three days tops each year I maybe use for non school holidays: my birthday, husband birthday, weekend away perhaps. The rest of are doing things with the kids.

Based on OPs posts
He has 25 days total FACT
He's already taken 10 for family stuff FACT
He's on the hook for all INSETs (5 days) FACT
He's on the hook for all term time sickness FACT
He needs to spread his time out across the year. He does not have loads of time for himself, nor to give OP 'me time' either.

His time is (rightly) used to cover INSETs, child sickness and family time. 8f OP claims all hos remaining leave so she can have 'me time' over the summer holidays, how does she propose covering the INSET days and child sickness for the rest of the year, and time off in October half term and Christmas.

I fully agree that 'me time' should be equal, but since OP doesn't cover her share of sickness/INSETS and it all comes out of his leave, assuming they want family time together over Xmas and a summer holiday together plus occasional family days out, there aren't extra days available from his annual leave for either of them to have 'me time'

If the DH can WFH to cover child illness then he doesn't need to save days for it. If he can't then he's in the same position as the OP and they should be sharing days off for ill children between them.

I'm a teacher and my husband uses all his annual leave for when me and the kids are off to do family things and holidays. Same why my holidays are with the kids. He's being unreasonable.

You can say fact over and over again in capitals but how is it fact? Has the OP said he covers all inset days and sick or again are you assuming because that is what should happen? Because OP has listed 5 days he has taken (aside from the 5 days of family holiday) but that doesnt mean he always covers those, so again you are making assumptions when you could simply ask these things as questions rather than framing it like you are there and know.

The OP, you know, the one married to this guy said he has 3 weeks left available but you seemingly have allocated those to things you have no clue if they are true. So rather than shouting fact like you know these things, why not stop acting like this is your situation and you know better and maybe ask a question.

You are making too many assumptions and acting like this guy is sacrificing all his time when the OP has already said he takes time off as he wishes, not all for the need of the family, so maybe try asking rather than assuming, just an idea.

OK, OP, the teacher, do you cover term time sickness and INSET days (which will account for at least 2 of the three weeks you say your DH has left)? TBH, I'm hopping mad if a teacher is swinging the lead and using public money for that when their DH should be using his annual leave, but there we go.

If you have other cover for sickness/INSETs, why can use that same cover to give you some 'me time' in the summer holidays?

As the partner of a teacher I cover all inset days, which can obviously be planned and booked as leave in advance, but we share sick days when they happen on days where I'm needed on site at work - why wouldn't we? It's just as disruptive for my work as his for me to announce I can't come in on the day?

Also, two weeks to cover inset days and sickness for one term seems very excessive.

Fuck me. No, over the year. There are 5 INSET days, and I'm guesstimating a (very moderate) allowance of 3 sickness days in a year x 2 children = 6 days.

Seriously 25 days a year minus sickness cover, minus INSET days, minus a family summer holiday, minus some family time at Christmas, minus say 1 family day per half term, minus a day or two medical/ dental appointments = fuck all leave left available to be shared. How are people not getting this?

Ok so if he takes 3 weeks in the summer and has 2 weeks left...op is left covering all half terms, easter and Christmas.

So she's left doing the rest of other holidays, so what's the difference.

He can't magic leave out of nowhere.

How do you solve that she is off more than him? Pay for childcare?

This is a problem that cannot be solved.

School is closed 13 weeks a year.

He has 5 weeks a year.

That's an 8 week mismatch that can't be solved.

How about they pay for childcare to cover when he is at work and she feels a need to have time to herself.

Schools don’t have 5 inset days a year. Op says dh doesn’t take leave for dentist etc. Op says dc are generally healthy. Dh has took 10 days of leave that op knows about and has 15 left I think? At most between now and Xmas are 2 inset days. There is no indication op expects dh to save 10 days holiday for October half term and Xmas - he’s not doing that for summer so why would he be doing that then?

If you’re using all your annual leave to take time off for the dentist and keeping back 3 days per child just in case your dc are sick (instead of using any emergency or family leave available to you) then that is your choice. I don’t think the dh is making that choice - if he was the op might have mentioned it.

Schools do have 5 inset days per year. Christ on a bike. Either OP or her DH has to cover them and OP needs to work them so...?

I think OP hasn't factored things like INSET days and sickness into her calculations. That doesn't mean they don't exist and her OH needs to take leave to cover them.

Or crazy idea how about you ask the OP what the ACTUAL split is, not picking and choosing.

So how many days does she get to herself and how many does her Husband, and what does he actually cover and not what you want to invent to cover.

Genuinely im half convinced you are a guy by your ability to spin a non existent narrative and make it all about this poor guy who must be doing so much when the OP has already said he takes days for himself.

He's very obviously mid leave year, so why do you want him to save enough leave from the remainder of this year to cover a year's worth of inset and sickness?

I think I'm not getting it because I'm in the same situation as OP's husband and take all my leave at a time the children are off - which, yes, includes INSET days. I can imagine telling DH that I can't take any more time off and also have half-term, but not that if I had any more time in the summer I wouldn't have any leave left 'for me'

I was a teacher for years - I never got 5 inset days as actual days. Usually 2 inset days at the start of the school year and 1 inset day around the Easter holiday. The other 2 inset days were separated into 4 twilight inset sessions done after the normal school day. I’d be astonished if any schools are doing 5 full inset days a year and even more astonished if someone who can wfh is taking them all as annual leave

Ours does and I do! I use each of them to take the kids out to do a day out to somewhere that will be a bit quieter than usual. This and school events do take up a sizeable chunk of annual leave - obviously I can't be off for every school holiday, but I do take nearly all of my other leave in school holidays for what I think are blindingly obvious reasons (I like spending time with my husband and kids).

He's mid leave year and has already taken 3. I'm allowing six for the full year. The annual leave allowance has to cover the full year, you understand that, yes?

I so despair of people's mathematical and reasoning skills. Or maybe the knots people try to tie themselves into to prove Women is always good-Man is always bad.

The simple fact of the matter is that with 25 days leave, covering term time sickness and INSETs, taking normal family breaks at Summer and time off with the family over Christmas, plus the odd day off over Easter and half terms (as OP has already said he has done this year so far) there's fuck all leave left for either of them to be having daus off for 'me time'.

This is absolutely normal for families with school aged kids, even when one of them isn't a teacher with inflexible annual leave.

You realise that the children still get 5 INSET days off school, even if the teachers do twilight sessions? And the schools don't all take the same days for INSET? So 2 children at different schools could actually mean 10 INSET days to cover?(although in practice I imagine there would be some overlapping days). And that unless OP's children attend the same school that she teaches in, then it's likely their INSET days will differ from hers.

But you still seem to be missing the very clear and obvious point that he DOES and has taken me time and very much expects it, its literally in the first post he is complaining that he wont get enough time for him. Its not a worry about having enough for the family, its he wants more for himself. Or are you conveniently overlooking that?

You are the one that seems to not be able to math and logic this and adding whatever is necessary to make your logic work even when the OP says these things are either not needed or true. At first you were arguing he probably only gets 20 days despite the OP saying he has 5 weeks. Why are you so insistent he has zero leave to himself when the OP has said he takes time off for himself as and when, he isnt this great martyr saving it all for his children, he wants it for him.

@hisannualleavecan you help with understanding for the people worrying about your Husband squirreling time away for inset days and sick leave. How much time does your Husband usually get in his holiday for himself each year and how much do you? I think thats the fairest way to understanding the dynamic here

If he’s covering all these inset days he would’ve used more annual leave than he has 😁 He doesn’t want to use his annual leave to look after his dc by the sounds of it or to give his wife a break, he wants to use it for him. That is why op doesn’t know how much leave he has left or not because she doesn’t even know if he’s been taking it secretly. Which is shit behaviour for a parent. Arguing with me about how many inset days need theoretically covering doesn’t mean the dh is intending to step up and actually cover them.

Thats my thoughts exactly, I wouldn't want to presume but the OP said he took 3 days for sick, 1 in feb half term, 1 for a day out in April, the other 5 were for a holiday leaving 15. Not sure if any of these sound like inset days but im sure the OP can say if they were.

Oh and there are potentially a few OP doesnt know about so im sure these were not for sick or inset as surely these would be known.