AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

I’d turn it back round on him if I use all my leave caring for children I’ll have none left for me.
Most parents end up using virtually all leave to be off with kids. You should both get same amount of free days. He will have colleagues run ragged this summer trying to work and care for kids or paying a fortune in clubs, and he’s moaning re one day. He needs that pointing out.

Do you not have a week when you're both off as a family?
Quite honestly if you can afford it I'd book 2 weeks in an all inclusive with a kids club and just leave him a note. Gone on holiday.
Or take the dc to gp's and let dh fend for himself.

So he isn’t choosing to spend time with his children ?

he isn’t choosing to spend time with you as a family?

he isn’t choosing to let you have a couple of days complete break?

wow ! Not normal

Bring out a calender and sort the childrens' holidays and both your AL.
I wouldn't accept his attitude.

Don't resign yourself to it! He is taking the absolute piss in thinking ALL of your AL should be spent on childcare whilst he gets to keep the majority of his to himself. It will build so much resentment if you just accept that hes a selfish pig. I going to assume you've already tried to speak to him about it, whats his reasoning as to why its fair you never get to use any of your holiday on yourself, but he does?

maybe its because you can pretend its not on purpose if he doesn't say it out loud? I know you say that LTB is not on the table now but might be a good idea to start planning?

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I don't know what days of annual leave my partner has used.

It doesn't sound like you've got much of a marriage, sadly.

I can see why he’d want to reserve some AL incase your DC get sick in term time but the fact he has 3 weeks left and hasn’t taken any over the longest school holiday is frankly bizarre. What on earth is he planning on doing with it?

OP are you not taking a family holiday?

I think you already know this but no, this isn't normal and it isn't ok. DH is a teacher. I use about a week of my annual leave each year on school events (which I cover all of) and keep a bit for child illness. Last year I also had two days over the year that I booked off when the kids were at school, one for Christmas shopping, one just for me. Every other day is booked in the school holidays to spend time together as a family. We've never discussed that, and DH has never had to ask for it, it's always just been my working assumption that the best and nicest use of my leave is to spend time together.

Another selfish, useless and entitled husband.

He took five days for this last week, but still has (as far as I know) three weeks left.

@hisannualleave you might say something to him like “I was thinking about what you said about AL and I realised NONE of mine is just for me, what do you think is a good way to even things up?” Then tell him (even if you have no intention of really doing it) you’ve looked in to care provision for x, y and z times and it will cost you each (£amount) and that way you get 10 days to do as you each like with, plus 10 days family holiday, 5 days sick cover each for kids. Be interesting to see his response … might make him rethink, might just reinforce what you already know …

DH is a teacher. I use almost all of my AL during school holidays because I enjoy spending time together with my family.

He wants to take it all when the children are in school. He clearly thinks the childcare is your job.

What would he say if you took a couple of weekends a year to yourself? Went away?

It 100% is on purpose. He knows exactly what he’s doing. If he valued you as a partner he wouldn’t be doing this.

I’d probably be glad I didn’t have to spend the time with him tbh. Can you book a week with a friend or relative so he has to take annual leave to spend with his dc? Or bombard him with that 18 summers special memories bullshit that floods social media? But maybe he has not one heart string to pluck.

It’s a good suggestions @Ohnobackagain but for a plethora of reasons we are beyond that, sadly. I’ve been reflecting on a few things of late and I think I’ve probably known for a while that DH isn’t fundamentally a terrible person but he is selfish and that selfishness has become more and more marked. So what started as minor things became gradually a shift to the sort of behaviour I’ve described here. I don’t even think he’s done so knowingly but a lot of his behaviour has started to tip over into toxicity and it isn’t healthy.

This is a good idea.
He also needs to be more open and transparent about how he’s using his annual leave. Me and DH are fortunate enough to have enough annual leave to occasionally take days off for ourselves but we communicate that to each other and make sure we’ve got the holidays covered first!

I’m a teacher, my partner takes 2 weeks off over the summer, one for a holiday and one to give me a week off. He uses another week for himself during term time- works well x

Yanbu, only now my children are at secondary school do I get to take annual leave 'just for me', even then it's only a couple of days a year. The rest is used for the children or family reasons, during school holidays.

The same applies to DP, their dad, as an equal parent and caregiver. He actually takes more than me as he gets paid parental leave and I don't.

Like most others, I think he's being selfish. The kids will grow up and when they are more self-sufficient he can take his annual leave whenever he wants. My husband works part time and I work full-time and take almost all of my leave during the school holidays. Yes, sometimes I get a bit miffed that so little of my leave is used for me, but my turn will come, and those family days together will become a much-missed precious memory. As you both work, the childcare shouldn't be solely your responsibility.

Surely annual leave is taken so you can all be together unless you have to split it due to childcare which I know some families do. DH generally takes his annual leave so we can have time together, there are occasions he’s had to use some during term time while I’m at work but he works in a small business so I do understand there are others he has to work around their holiday too.

YANBU.

DH is a contractor, so he takes leave for family holidays only. Plus a week skiing just with DS and a week by himself. That works for us as I'm PT.

He'd take leave for child care if he was salaried.

@hisannualleave

You say in your OP "I don't know why I'm posting". I think you do. Your post quoted above shows that you appear to have got to that 'I think I have to make a decision' place in your mind.

Especially this; "I don’t even think he’s done so knowingly but a lot of his behaviour has started to tip over into toxicity and it isn’t healthy.".

Do you really think he doesn't know what he's doing? I'm sure he does. The thought process isn't "Fuck @hisannualleave and being fair, I'm going to do what I want and the kids are her problem". It's simply "I want so I will have" which amounts to pretty much the same thing. And "I want so I will have" is a deliberate thought process and deliberate decision. The fact that he doesn't actually include fairness with you doesn't make it any less deliberate.

Try to talk to him, even suggest marriage counseling, if you feel you need to take more steps to try to change him. Just remember "You may sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same.

I don’t think it’s even as conscious as that, in the same way that when you get your monthly salary you don’t think about whether it’s fair to the people on minimum wage or whatever. Bad example but the best I can do!