AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

As you clearly realise he's not being very fair. We are probably the opposite extreme and not focused on ourselves enough, but we never use our annual leave to do stuff for ourselves. We usually take about 4 weeks of annual leave spread over the year when we are off at the same time, for holidays, long weekends in the Lake District etc. That leaves about 6 or 7 day of leave each, but we both take those as 1/2 days, so work in the morning and then in the afternoon we go somewhere/do something with the kids, like cinema/bowling/laser tag/cycling. It helps break up the other 8 weeks of school holidays for the kids.

Not everyone gets 20 days, lots of people get more. My DH gets 30. It's weird OP doesn't know how many he has left.
I'm a teacher and I'm either parenting or teaching 98% of the time (2% for the odd weekend thing). DH does take time off in school holidays though. Obviously YANBU. Time to book that girls trip!
Don't take the kids on holiday without him whatever you do as that's playing into his hands.

Sorry for being ‘weird’, but I have said he gets 25 days and AFAIK he’s used ten. I have also said I think he may have used more but don’t know. If he doesn’t tell me, how would I know?

I was quoting 28 days. Very few people (although obviously some do) get 38 days annusl leave (30 plus BHs).

Basically, standard annual leave, minus normal family holidays (Christmas and Summer), minus cover for all term time sick days for multiple children does not leave many annual leave days for me time. Surely most parents know that?

But he also will want say 5 days at Christmas, plus presumably needs to cover all the sickness/ appointments, plus his own dental medical sppointments til the end of the year (lets say 6 days minimum). So that would leave 4 days maximum between you til the end of the holiday year.

It's not loads.

You seem to think you know more about the Husbands holidays than even his wife does. Lots of people get 25 or more days, my Husband gets 31. And lots of office jobs only require 3 days saved for Christmas some dont require any.

But you seem more willing to argue what you dont know with insistance than read the information actually given.

It doesnt matter if he has loads of holiday left or just a little, the fact remains the same that he thinks his wife's holiday is to be used to parent and his is used to relax and its a piss poor way to act as a parent and a partner.

He doesn’t tell you when he’s taking leave and not going to work? That’s weird.

Use a family calendar with a column for every member and he details on there when he’s taking leave and what he’s doing with it.

You are allowed to ask for a reset on the way the household is run. Take it to relationship counselling.

If you don’t get it sorted you will end up breaking up, I think you know that.

Presumably she thinks his leave needs to cover all term time sickness?

If she can honestly say he's free of that huge responsibility, I'd change my mind.

But 25 days leave (as OP said) responsible for taking all the school sickness (and presumably all INSET days) off plus his own medical/dental appointments and regular summer/Christmas vacations does not leave many days. 1 or 2 each at most.

Perhaps a couple of days of Kids Club / activities would give OP the break she needs?

Think this misses the point that husband will have 'me time' , but OP won't. The fact that she has more holidays is irrelevant

Well, he’ll get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off, so three days.

He’d be more likely to WFH and to go out in his lunch hour for a medical appointment himself. Our children are rarely ill so they’d have to both be struck down will illnesses lasting a week for two separate weeks!

But regardless this is quibbling over things that aren’t really the point. I don’t mind a bit if he wants to take a couple of days to recharge, slob round the house, be my guest, but just don’t act like my duty is to have the children in MY ‘holiday’ while his holiday is sacred holy ground, if you follow me.

And ‘all term time sickness’ was the entirety of two days all last year. Healthy kids. I think low standards help!

But theyre not 'sacred' when he's expected to cover all term time sickness and 5 inset days a year. That's nigh on all of it outside of regular shared family holidays.

Look, you get LOTS of holiday. You probably don't realise how little he gets. 5 Inset days (which he must cover as you're working) is one fifth of his leave. Your one week family holiday was one fifth of his leave. Sickness for 2 children is likely to be at least a fifth of his leave over a year (and sensibly, he'd budget for two fifths, only using the last week at the end of the year if not used).

It’s amazing how many men “can’t” take time off because they’re self employed. Although when women are self employed it’s always “amazing because I can take the whole holidays off” 🙄

Managinf someone whose husband is self employed is always very annoying “oh well I have to go home/ take time off when the kids are sick because he’s self employed” - oh so our business has to take the hit for your kids rather than him?

@hisannualleave Youre not asking for too much. You’re clearly not asking for enough!

Ask him where your annual leave “for you” is!

He needs to be taking time off for some family time, and then enough additional time off to parent the kids solo so that he isn’t asking “loads” and you get an equal amount of time off “for you” as he does for himself.

Also if he can WFH surely he just does this when the kids are mildly sick?

All term time sickness two days, yes?

Sorry to hear this OP. Absolutely rubbish! I’m a teacher too and my DH takes a few weeks with all of us throughout the year, and then takes a few days to allow me to go away for long weekends with friends in the holidays. I would be really upset if he kept most AL for when myself and the children are at school!

He is being unreasonable. Clearly.

However. I am scunnered with teacher friends moaning about “if I’m not teaching I have to parent my children”. You must be joking. I get 30 days and every one of them is dedicated to parenting my children (as are the 30-odd days my husband gets).

I’d love to have six weeks off with my kids. We’d have an absolute blast. Instead they are passed from pillar to post while we try and cobble together childcare and a decent summer holiday for them.

I’m also a teacher and this would deeply annoy me - the attitude above anything. Of course I expect to look after the kids for the bulk of the holidays during the school year - not having to worry about childcare is the flip side of never getting cheap term-time holidays.
My DH does need to take some leave for childcare when insets and term dates don’t completely line up, and obviously we want time off together. Otherwise, if he gets child-free time off, so do I. He can take AL during term time, and then match it during the holidays to take the kids out for the day so I can relax at home without them.

I don’t really understand why you don’t know if he’s had days off - it doesn’t need to be a big deal, but not mentioning it suggests a lack of communication? I would do as others have suggested, and explain how it’s unfair that he gets child free time and you don’t - so what can you do together to even that out?

Teachers can and do take carers leave for their sick children. I’m sure some schools make it difficult, but that’s true of any randomly picked organisation/boss. At my school we have three days / year paid leave for this, can be up to five “discretionary”.

It might have been 2 days last year, it could be 10 days next year...

I can't be the only working Mum who keeps a week of leave in hand til the end of thdeholiday year "in case of sickness" (and ends up with spare leave in gloomy March because of the way my A/L year works).

I agree you should equally have "child free/work free" days. But his A/L is going to stretch to 1 or 2 a year each after his responsibilities and regular family holidays

I’ve been and in a similar boat, in education and partner takes limited time off during school holidays and rarely over the summer holidays. He has a week feb half term and a week or 2 October half term.

Over the years to have a break I’ve sent my dd to holiday clubs over the summer holidays for a couple of days a 2 weeks or a full week. It allows me to have me time.

moreover my dd and I go on a lot more holidays home and aboard together over the school year and we just have one yearly family holiday with DP.

Well, we are well equipped with my DHs thoughtful and considerate foresight in case someone has dragon pox then!

DH works term time. I don't - although I work in schools so term time holidays are inconvenient.
I have always kept a week of leave back to cover emergencies, sickness, sports day etc. Rest of my leave is in school holidays.
I have to say I thought that was normal.
Your husband needs to give his head a wobble.

@PestoPastaLife it kind of goes like this.

He takes a day off.

He doesn’t tell me.

There’s nothing to understand. I think what you mean is ‘that is selfish’ or ‘that isn’t something I think he should do’ but it is rather disingenuous to act as if it’s beyond understanding.

There is a difference between ‘I don’t approve of’ and ‘I don’t understand.’ I don’t approve of racism, but I understand it stems from ignorance, prejudice, fear and hatred.