AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

He should be taking almost all his leave when the kuds are off school.

Sou ds like my STBX. Every year he loses at least a week's annual leave because his job is so important that he cannot actually take leave. We both work in same industry, in very similar roles (he is more senior) but that's absolute rubbish. Yet I'm expected to cover everything with my leave. Hence why he's a STBX!

What do you think parents do when neither is a teacher or stay at home parent?

I don't think YANBU but you do save a lot on summer childcare as a result of being a teacher.

Why don't you just book the DC into a holiday camp for a week? Then you get a week off? Just because you can be at home with the kids doesn't mean you have to.

I'm not arguing that he should have free time. I'm pointing out that INSET days, plus planning for sickness and regular family holidays probably takes up pretty much all of his A/L, so he doesn't really have the days to "share" that OP thinks he has.

Obviously, if OP covered her fair half share of sickness and INSETs, he probably would, but she doesn't, so he doesn't.

It's exceptionally unlikely that either of them get much in the way of non childcare, non working days for themselves.

Wait wtf is “planning for sickness” how often are your kids off sick? I think ours are like maybe a day or two every couple of terms?

I'd plan for 3 days per year per child. And yes, I reserve leave for it, like most responsible parents. How on earth else do you cover sick days?

Pay for childcare.

Surely if he didn't have the days he would say that, but he isnt, he is saying he doesnt want to. So you are arguing a fact that just isnt true. Again why do you think you know her Husbands holiday allowance better than she does.

There wouldn't be a thread needed if he said I dont have any holiday to cover that, but he simply didnt want to.

Maybe try responding to what has been said rather than the theory you have developed for yourself or maybe ask the question, is it that he has no holiday left. Rather than inventing that he probably only gets 20 days and needs 5 for Christmas. You seem very good at making up scenarios to argue against rather than trying to see what is actual fact.

only for the holidays we can’t cover with our annual leave. I wouldn’t put my kids in paid childcare so I could take annual leave for myself. That would be shit for them.

I dunno if so rarely comes up for us to be honest. I can work from home so I’d probably just do that. Appreciate not everyone has that luxury but I’ve genuinely never heard of people factoring potential sick days into their AL.

How can they have equal time off when she gets 13 weeks leave per year?

I get 5.

I would flatly say no to using up a vast portion of my annual leave allowance in the summer holidays purely, because what does it leave me with? Not necessarily saying me personally to go off and do what I want and leave the children.That would not be what I meant.

I would be extremely wary of using a vast portion of annual leave in the summer. When there is already a parent off for the whole summer.Because then, where does that leave us for the rest of the year.

When you get so little annual leave, it is nice to spread it out some time off at easter some extra time off at christmas. Sometimes time to be able to take half term off with the children too..

People who don't have the long summer holidays that teachers do need to distribute it more evenly and I don't think he's unreasonable for doing that.

To me that is a lot to save for illness, but depends on your child. Mine are rarely off (this year, one child had one day off and one got sent home at lunch time) and it would be a similar pattern previous years. Perhaps we were lucky with this but also I do expect my kids to go in if it's just a cold (compared to a friend who keeps her child off for everything and is then shocked when the reports come through with how low her child's attendance is and questions it).

Its also a case of use it or lose it with my husband's leave. If it hasn't been booked and people still have it left in December it doesn't roll over into January and they have rules over who can be off at the same time.
This is why in January we plan ahead with booking the school holidays and now inset days for my eldest, leaving 2-3 days spare max.

Well there you have it then, surely.

If one partner is a teacher then they can't just take a day of WFH to look after a sick child, it has to be covered by the other partner.

And if they can't WFH, they need to take a day of AL.

What's so hard to grasp about that?

My husband is a teacher and although I now work in a school I didn't always. I would always take my annual leave to spend time with them, felt I was missing out. I also took AL days if they were sick. So none for 'me time'. He's being an arse not a parent.

Based on what OP has said he has 25 days.
He's already taken 10 that she's detailed for family reasons.
Plus he needs to cover 5 inset days.
Presumably OP will want him to take time off over Christmas (assume 5 days), and October half term (assume 1 day).
That leaves him just 4 days to cover the children's sickness til the end of the year.

There's no leave left to "share". Neither of them get time off for themselves.

1. It is not leave for the OP, it's periods when the school is closed.
2. Of course it can be equal. Equal does not mean the same.
3. The OP is expected to use all her leave (sic) to look after the children.

She's asked for one day. One day.
Why on earth do you assume he covers children's sickness?
Where do you get 5 days for Christmas?

FFS, I give up.

Yes, of course then he should use all his days to give OP a break over summer, leaving him no days to take off at Christmas, October half term or to cover the children's sickness or INSET days for the rest of the year. I'm sure OP will be fine taking all the sick days and INSET days off from her teaching job and happy as Larry when he can't take time off at Christmas or October half term.

Or, in the real world, responsibilities need to be covered, and leave spread reasonably evenly over the year.

OP has a job that means she can't cover child sickness, INSET days, Sports Day etc. This means that his leave has to cover all of that, which doesn't leave much for "me time" for either of them.

Am surprised he's still your p
artnerr! ugh

@hisannualleave it sounds like the main thing bothering you is lack of transparency.

I’m sure someone else has already suggested something similar but we have a big excel spreadsheet for this. It’s got every day of the year, all inset days, all school holidays, then a column for me and one for my partner, we’ve allocated leave days to cover childcare add family holidays and have a bank leftover for illness if needed, it’s all calculated to see how much leave is left. If we don’t use illness days, then we can take them as personal days, but everything gets logged.

If one of has a bigger annual leave allowance that means they cover more childcare, not that they get more personal days.

I used to be a teacher we got 3 days a year for emergency leave. Op might be able to cover some inset days anyway - they aren’t the same in every school/ LA and I’d be surprised if anyone needs 5 days of annual leave for inset as there used to be twilight inset instead for at least 2 of them when I worked in schools.

In any case it doesn’t sound like the dh is keeping all his annual leave for inset and sickness and Xmas - it sounds like he’s keeping it all for himself.

You said he’s used 10 days for family things this year and has 3 weeks left (15 days) So he gets 25 days a year? is this including banks holidays or are they on top of his 25 days?

He’s a selfish arse and I agree with you. I like the idea of the family calendar as a previous poster mentioned and start blocking yourself some (lots of) ‘me time’ weekends and see if that gets the message across. If it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander.

OP, this sentence says it all;

What annoys me is the view that his time is his time and my time is for the children

That is the crux of the matter, that the assumption is made that your AL is to be spent caring for the DC, but his AL is for his sole use, so you're not to 'request' that he use any more of it on caring for his DC!

You need to stick to that when you sit him down for a chat, because he needs to see that trying to 'reserve' some AL days 'for himself' is selfish and unacceptable, unless he allows YOU the same amount of AL for YOUR sole use, with zero childcare expectations !

Anything less than that, is simply unacceptable, because you're BOTH entitled to have a couple of AL days 'for yourself'.