AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

Fgs are you missing the point deliberately?

None of what you have said is relevant, when his reasoning for it isn't any of those things. He doesn't want to do it because he wants those days for himself.

Okay, more accurately then: I don’t understand why he doesn’t tell you he’s taking time off.

Do you?

Well, yes, I do, he wants a day to himself.

Which is totally fine. He doesn’t need to ask my permission or tell me. But I also think there’s an element there of not needing to tell me, on the same way you wouldn’t mention to your husband that you decided to go to Tesco instead of Asda for the weekly shop as you were passing, just not that important. I think that’s how he sees it.

Mmm DP with teacher spouse have taken or booked so far:

feb half term
2 weeks in summer
closes for Christmas
sports day
assemblies & classroom visits
inset days
a couple of days between Easter & May & October
2 days for a trip with friends

Very little time for me time when you have kids and a family that you want to spend time with and do things for. That’ll come when they’re older.

Do you see it like that as I would be very confused that my DW took leave and didn’t mention it. We discuss things like that. I’d find it sneaky I think

OP does he take all the inset days too?

You started off by implying he wasn’t taking any leave over for the summer holidays, then clarified he had taken leave for a family holiday. Is he taking all the inset days too?

Why does he need to be free of that responsibility? Its called being a parent! She doesnt get to use any of her holidays to relax so why does he? Unfortunately parenting young children means this is what holidays are needed for.

Why do you feel he needs time to relax but all her time has to cover looking after the children?

Ok but what are you not getting that ALL of OPs time is spent looking after the children, covering every single half term break. So why do you think he needs to have leave for himself when all the OPs is spent covering half term so he doesn't have to.

Having spare holiday would be great but parenting has to take priority but you seem to want to argue double standards that im failing to understand here? He needs free time but because OP gets more holiday, even though its all spent looking after the kids, thats fine? Why?

This. Don't you ask each other "how was your day?" If he didn't mention he took a day off, he was lying by omission.

Someone’s forgotten how chaotic life with little children is. Some days I barely speak to DH at all!

He sounds awful.
I appreciate I am in a different situation (we are both teachers) but I’m off on an overnight spa today. It’s not like I asked DH to have the kids so I could go, just checked he didn’t have anything on and booked it!
I would expect him to take the vast majority of his holiday in the school holidays. I would probably be ok if he took a couple of days elsewhere for himself. But you never get a day to yourself! You must sometimes feel like you go back to work for a break.

How many days do you get "for you"? You should definitely insist that's equal.

And maybe remind him that if he was divorced he'd have them half the time, holidays included.

But if you really think he's sometimes going out dressed as if for work, at the usual time, doing something else and then coming home and lying about where he's been all day...is this going to last?

^

Scary to think how many dad's are like this. I'm a teacher but I'm 99.9 doing the parenting.

I decided to leave our relationship back in June. Still going through the process of buying a house etc so not quite there yet but I know myself and my daughter will be far happier in the long run.

Realistically he probably can’t take much more than the 1 week. I’ve only taken 7.5 days this summer. Husband has taken similar. Some of it overlaps some of it doesn’t. I even used a day to have a weekend away without the rest of the family. I couldn’t take more because there are others staff off the other weeks. If you only have 5 weeks leave then it’s sensible to space it out. Kids sickness is unpredictable so whilst they may have only had 2 days off last year that doesn’t mean that another year they may have more.

I also think it’s sensible for him to use some days for himself. When you were away together presumably you carved out some time for yourself then? you should also book some holiday club time in. This is very normal for both working parents and those that are home for whatever reason as it keep kids busy.

if you feel he genuinely doesn’t want to spend time with you and the children though then that’s a whole different issue.

edited to add you could also book some holiday club and go away for a few days yourself. Husband can drop and pick up from the club and still go to work.

Yes of course it is with any decent partnet

Exactly I wonder how many years this has been going on? What exactly does OPs dh do on his AL? So selfish of him.

This is what I'd expect to. You have two days for yourself, all other days off are around the DC.

The OP's DH has 3 weeks unaccounted for. I guess a couple of inset days, Christmas and illness but that leaves maybe 2 weeks that he is choosing not to take with his DC.

Why do you not already have annual leave booked before the holidays? I’m a teacher too. Me and DH would sit down at the start of his leave year (April) and look at what holidays he would book out in advance. He always had a week at the start and end of the 6 week holidays and at least a couple of days during other school holidays. He would also book a couple of separate weeks during term time to have some time to himself, do some jobs on the house and do the school runs.

I am married to a teacher which makes my summer so much easier with childcare.

the vast majority of my annual leave is taken in school holidays so I can spend time with my kids (and husband)

so I don’t get your husbands point of view. When you have kids your annual leave tends to revolve around spending time with them. Having one partner who is already home during the holidays just makes that a lot easier.

sorry he is being selfish about this.

It is a perk that you are off the school holidays with the children so you don't need alternative care, but you need you time too, and should do days altogether as well in the holidays, 6 weeks is a long time. So does he expect to use his full entitlement for him in terms time then?

Neither of me or my husband work in a school so we have split the time equal and TBF to him he hasn't moaned about using his holiday at all. We have only been left with a couple of days each for the year for us, but while they are little it's the way it has to be, it's temporary, in a few years they won't want to spend their holidays with us.

This is a conversation in my house too. Very hands on dad, very much equals and yet....annual leave he's only really ever used for holidays where he's getting away with me or the kids. He hasn't ever got his head round the notion that he should budget leave for the kids holidays.
He had time off under parental leave etc. We've got a long time of kids left in school though so I'm just going to keep my expectations high.

Perhaps you could say let's do the plan for the year around leave. He can have some days off to give you time off considering you spend all your time with your kids or other people's ( thank you btw!) and then he gets some alone time too. And you agree what's practical for kids holidays.

He's obviously not going to come to it naturally but it doesn't mean you should accept it. He's being unreasonable and you are right to be miffed and also right to tell him to get his head on properly. The joint account would be feeling the wrath of the childcare if not x

Well aren't you wonderful! I expect life won't be throwing you any curved balls.

I’m a teacher and was a SAHM until a few years ago, and have always covered the holidays. However my DH uses pretty much all of his annual leave for family holidays and won’t take a day just for himself - although I would have no issue if he did! - and I work part time so do get a few hours a week to myself in term time. I do miss some time to myself over the summer but it does get easier as the kids get older and they are more self-sufficient!

But next term hasn’t happened yet. I do get that it’s infuriating that he wants to save time for himself when you don’t get any but I agree with PP when you only get 5 weeks a year off holiday time is precious