AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

What does he do on his leave? Does he do school runs, make dinner for the family? Or sit around scratching his bollocks while watching you do that?

I'd always assumed that for a couple who live together with their children, all AL is taken for the family's benefit and if the adults want to allocate "my" time off for them as an individual, they would agree it between them.

It’s a shame he doesn’t actually want to spend time with his own children when they are off school. YANBU to want to do things together as a family. Does he get involved in weekends? When do you get time to rest or get on with jobs round the house?

Honestly id sit down calmly with him and go through his objections. Ask him to explain how his view is fair and even. If yoi can get through it without it resorting to a shouting match then you should get somewhere.

I’ve got teacher friends who don’t expect their husbands to take any time off in the school holidays, as it’s “their” job as mother and teacher to be with them in the holidays. It makes me sad and angry in equal measure

What does he want to do with his annual leave
is he upset he won't have enough to go on holiday with you all as a family ?

Isn't he entitled to 28 days annual leave a year ( including Bank Holidays ) and it's very possible he gets a lot more annual leave than the required minimum.

You'll just to quiet quit the responsibility at some point, leaving him no option but to take his annual leave. Force his hand if he won't.

It shouldn't have to be this way, but it often is.

I wouldn't necessarily expect my husband to take time off in the school holidays so I could have 'time off'. I do however expect my husband to take time off during the holidays for us to spend time together as a family. Neither one of us has 'time off'.

I voted YANBU. For a day, it's not a big ask, and I do think that most of working parents holidays should be spend with the kids/family.

However,

• a teaching job comes with a big advantage: twice as much holidays as any regular employment. That does mean more down time overall during the year, even with the kids at home, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to keep some days to himself (not 3 weeks though).
• more holidays comes at the cost of salary that could be earned during that time (and the kids in childcare)
• you could just get a babysitter to watch the kids for a day or two if you want some free time. My husband and I only have 25 days of AL a year, that's our only option.

I think it's a grey area, and some of the things you complain about do come with your employment choices.
Hope you can both find a compromise!

If you want a practical alternative, book a holiday club and have him pay half. He might change his mind if he has to fork out

Or you could divorce him and he can have them 50% of all school holidays instead of just 1 day

The point is though, that if the man only takes a week or two in the year at the same time as the kids and wife, he still has a significant amount of annual leave which he takes all by himself to do exactly what he wants. Whereas his teacher wife never gets a day in the whole year to do what she exactly what she wants with no kids around.

I often find that there's a common misconception (by men) that Man Holidays are for things like going on actual holiday, doing fun things, relaxing, whereas Woman Holidays are for things like doing jobs, childcare, looking after sick children and the like. Another example of the patriarchy!

100%

Is he always on the hook for term time child sickness? Because if he is, then unless he's got a really huge holiday entitlement if he takes a couple of weeks off over the summer for a family holiday, plus say a week off at Christmas, allowing 3 days per child per year for sickness, he probably has little left. What he does have should reasonably be shared, yes, but it's likely just a couple of days each per year (assuming you both spend BHols off together).

It could be worse … you could be juggling working full time, school holidays and 5 weeks annual leave a year like the rest of us!

Of course he is being unbelievably unreasonable, and saving three weeks leave for himself is beyond selfish. What happens when you call this out? Do you shy away from confrontation?

My husband gets 22 days, plus bank holidays. As I said he uses his all when we are off, with the exception of a few days he holds back in case of medical appointments for himself or if the children are ill (as despite working in a school, if my own kids are sick then it's unpaid to be off with them). Our eldest is also starting secondary and has different holiday dates to me, therefore DH will be using his holiday for these days going forward as I wouldn't want an 11-12 year old at home alone all day.
Not all men take days to themselves even if they could, which is why it's right for the OP to question what her husband is doing and why he doesn't want to spend time with the family.

Ew this isn’t a Husband or a Father, why on earth are women lowering their standards in this day and age. I don’t understand.. surely this shows you that he doesn’t like you or respect you, or the children. What would he do if you were separated? Just not see his kids during the half terms? This is so bizarre, surely you can see this is not right? Expecting you to never have any time off, but he can have weeks and weeks for himself?

Exactly, you have admitted you know he has no respect for you and just sees you as a parent to his children, you’ve accepted it and are now moaning about it? Is there a reason you won’t have that conversation with him? Seems there’s more to unpick..

Have you pointed out that you spend your annual leave looking after children???
I work part time , dh takes a few days in 6 weeks plus any holidays we take as a family and any days out /long weekends. He sometimes takes leave for our child’s appointments too. He probably has 4 or 5 days a year he takes with no plan and usually does diy.
I take leave as needed for child’s appointments, plus holidays/ days out and i probably take 5-7 days to myself. Usually get my hair done or see family.

My h is the same. I am also a teacher. He uses his annual leave for days out, holidays away with friends then my leave is for the kids. Which I don't mind cos they are fab and he misses out. But he also expects not to have to lift a finger when I'm off as I am off and he has been working all day.... Safe to say I have an exit plan. I think it's the same for him, he is fundamentally selfish and it's getting worse as he gets older! He just doesn't think of us and then moans that he is left out when we have little in jokes and things he isn't part of. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I had one like this. I worked four days a week, full time and was expected to juggle all the school holidays with my paltry 20 days annual leave. So DS was shuttled between a combination of grandparents and holiday clubs in between me using my holiday plus the week unpaid leave I took during the summer break.

Ex-DH refused point blank to take any holiday unless we were actually going away as he didn’t want to waste his leave 🙄 He wouldn’t even drop DS at holiday club or at the grandparents houses.

I eventually got fed up with his selfishness and left when DS was 17. Best thing I ever did.

Of course, he should take some AL to spend with the kid. Its nice to do things together but you also need a break.

Im a SAHP and my H has taken 5 days off for a holiday. He's taking 3 days off next week and we are doing Alton Towers, legoland discovery and Warwick castle. Hes taken a few days either side of the BH weekend for legoland and chessington. He's also promised to take off a long weekend so I can visit a mate.

gosh op! i think you need to try talk about this when hes more calm

I had to have a similar chat with husband recently - i get easter off and chirstmas off! so thats obvs very helpful for annual leave saving!

But he was then isisiting we share the load for half terms and summer -but i think he needs to do more on some breaks as im covering 2 breaks total ( i get less days to use as I like as these breaks are forced time im off - whearas he gets 30 to use as he likes !

We made a spreadsheet and worked it out fairly that we each get an amount that is just for us to use for ourselves - some for shared holidays and some for childcare - so overall it's equal!

you need a break too op!