AIBU to expect DH to use annual leave in the holidays

[hisannualleave]

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

This ^

Another selfish twat man who thinks his annual leave should be all for him. My OH is ok most of the time but he is also of this mindset. Not one bit of annual leave I’ve taken for years has been just for me. All of it has been taken when DD is off school. Whereas he takes days here and there just for him, leaving him less time to take when we actually 1. Need him for childcare 2. Want to spend time as a family.

“None left for him” … well, maybe you need to sit down with him and ask how much of his leave he thinks is reasonable to reserve ‘for him’ as opposed to ‘with his family’ or ‘with his kids’. And then say, “great… so I can have that much holiday for me, right?”. And have ready some specific things you would like to do. And then ask how he proposes to enable that obviously entirely reasonable proposition.

Oh and maybe put that ‘cat’s in the cradle’ song on repeat. There must be so many men who only realise too late that they’ve squandered those precious years of childhood.

Tbh he's the one missing out on parenting. More fool him.

How many days a/l does he get. Usually it's a basic of 20 days + 7/8 bank hols. Most decent organisations offer 25 + b/h. So, you're quite right that he should have plenty left even if he's earmarked some for Christmas and the Autumn break.

Well said OP, and YANBU.

You are definitely not being unreasonable in wanting a supportive husband and his attitude stinks, but could it also be that he works for an old fashioned company that doesn't generally like people taking leave before they have earned them?

So, if his leave year starts in April, he will only have accrued about 2 weeks so far.

My husband is a teacher.. I work fir the NHS so get about 5 weeks a year. We would take a 2 week holiday in summer holidays, 1 week Easter (just at home but both off doing local trips) and as many days as I could swing in half terms plus I did all the inset/sickness. I'd book a week of some sort of summer camp in the summer as well for him to have a break/get his classroom ready for the flowing year. Sometimes grandparents and aunt had them for a day or two.
When does his leave year start? I'd sit down and mark out what he is booking and keep a few days for sickness etc. I think sometimes men need to be reminded of the need to share things.

Don't you book holidays at the same time so you can travel together as a family?

You sound like my friend. She married a man who, in many ways, is a decent man. Hard working, good provider, faithful. But, completely married to his job. It came above everything.

She was expected to do everything to do with the home and dc. She eventually had to give up her career. It was never said out loud by him. He wasn’t like it at the beginning to the same extent. It just gradually crept into their marriage as he became more and more senior in his field.

She tried and tried to make it work for many years. Counselling, paid help with the house and dc. Separate bedrooms so that the dc never disturbed his sleep.

Then a couple of year ago, on yet another family holiday with his family where he worked all day in his laptop, she stopped. Stopped asking him to join her and the dc for dinner or a swim. Or for any crumbs of attention. When they got home, she told she wanted a divorce.

All that energy that she had put into trying to get him to be involved in family life she then put into securing the best divorce for her and the dc.

This is not lawful except in the first year of employment

Very selfish of your husband. I would assume that he took the majority of his annual leave in the school holidays so you could do things as a family. Obviously he has a bit more flexibility for days off for him given you’re a teacher but the kids are equally his!

A good point, that will go down like a lead balloon here as it’s not saying he’s terrible

I'd be highly pissed off - your annual leave is for childcare, his annual leave is for himself? Nah, that's outrageous.

My husband is a teacher. I take alllll of my annual leave during the school holidays (save for keeping a couple of days back to take when the little one is ill).

By chance, I will actually be having a single day off, to myself, in October because of a mix-up with the calendar at my husband's school and me having already booked the leave (it rounds off a week). I feel weird having a day to myself 😬 Husband is delighted for me, though, and told me I should enjoy it rather than use it to clean the house (current plan!).

Your partner is being a top class bellend.

My exH has done this since we split he’s used less than 1 week a year for dc and uses the rest for himself. So I’ve had to take unpaid carer leave to cover holidays and don’t get any time just for me. If I were you I would book to go away for every weekend in August by yourself and be ready to go the minute he walks in Friday evening.

It is peak cough and cold symptoms so I think it is sensible to save some. Three weeks is excessive though.

He’s an arse. Several of my leave days are for my kids benefit, because, well they’re my kids and I wanted them and want everything I can give them. A couple have been for me things, but not much. My wife knows what I’ve used those days for, it wouldn’t be a secret. That concerning. Commiserations.

He sounds like an arse tbh. He’s making it clear to you that his time is more important and that he doesn’t want to spend time with you or the children?! I’d be seriously considering the longevity of the relationship. You both work and both have children! It can’t be that you have to do everything!

Its a bit sad he doesnt want to spend time with his family and kids. He will regret that later

Also a teacher and my DH pretty much exclusively takes his annual leave in school holidays. Always has pre and post children. He generally has Feb, May and October half term off, two weeks in summer and that usually leaves him a week either for Christmas or Easter, he takes a week at Christmas if he can but he’s NHS so not always possible.

He understands that being home with the children isn’t necessarily a holiday for me and when he’s at work (doing long shifts often ending after the kids are in bed) downtime for me is scarce.

I’d ask him when you get your ‘me time’ as clearly it’s not in term time or in holidays so if he wants some days for himself he needs to take some days off in holidays so that you can do the same.

It depends if he has to be available to take leave when you can't (presumably if there's a sick kid/house emergency in term time he needs to take leave as you can't?)
And don't you holiday altogether, so surely he takes some time off in school holidays? If not, and he holidays by himself in term time meaning you never get a holiday and he enjoys them alone, then that's absolutely not ok.

But does he really have 3 weeks? Assuming he has a standard 20 days + BHolidays, then that's 28 days. Minus 8 days bank holidays =20 days. Minus 5 days summer holiday already taken = 15 days. Minus say 5 days for time off over Christmas =10 days. Allow 6-8 days to cover sickness (some taken, some in hand), that leaves 2 free days for you to share between you.

Surely it's obvious to him he should take it in school holidays!? Otherwise he'd be taking it when his wife and children are at school, so can't spend any time time him PLUS it leaves you with zero holiday for yourself time because you won't be allowed a day off when kids are at school.
You're right to be pissed off!
Of course you'd expect (or I would in your position) to do the majority of care just because no job comes with enough AL to cover school holidays. However I'd assume he'd take maybe a week or two to have family time (whether that's on a trip or just time together at home) and then a few days sporadically to give you some breathing space and actual holiday time as otherwise you work with kids at work and then spend all your leave with kids too! Whereas he can take a child free personal day as annual leave whenever he wants.

Whenever I see posts like this my main thought is "how sad for this man". It's a classic "why don't my grown up children visit me anymore/the divorce came from nowhere" situation. If he doesn't put time and effort to bond with his family, you won't all be his family when he wants you. Can you discuss with him whether he wants to do anything with you or the children? Surely he enjoys something with them (cinema, football, swimming - anything!) Rather than framing it as childcare? Or suggest if he won't look after them then he will need to pay for a holiday club at some point because it isn't fair for you to do it all (you might not actually want to do that though).

Quite right. How long are you supposed to wait for these men to show their true colours before you marry / live together / have children - 10 years? And they usually get worse over time. I personally think it’s like victim blaming and it’s cruel. How are you supposed to know they’ll be shit fathers until they’re actually a father? Then there’s the ‘just leave’ group, like we all can just afford to start again immediately without any thought as to whether things will improve etc. I hate issues like this because they’re mundane and not like a big life event like say cheating where everyone would be furious and it would be easy to say enough is enough. For what it’s worth (I’m a teacher so may be biased) I think he should want some holidays together anyway and you are basically either working at work or working at home 24/7/365. If he can’t see this then he is really a shit.