AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

For what it's worth, I'm massively on your side. Okay you may not have been an absolute angel, but three kids is a lot of stress, and why is he taking so long to get ready, it's a family holiday not a fashion show for him. I'd absolutely find that very annoying if I had my hands full with three tiny kids. And the fact he then vanished for 7 hours, omg!!! Unbelievable. I don't know what you should do, unfortunately. With three tiny kids, it's not easy to contemplate leaving a relationship (which is the real question - whether you leave the holiday or not is only your immediate decision, but not the real decision you should be considering). But the guy is an absolute prick. I can't believe he'd just leave you to handle the three children on your own. Yeah you threw a hat at him, okay, that's something to discuss and ensure it doesn't happen again - but his reaction, given that he's a parent and has responsibilities, is a million times worse.

I'd go home
staying sounds like hell on earth

I was going to mention the unmentionable.. OP, if this is not the first time he’s been like this, why did you end up with 3 under 4? He sounds a complete knobhead, with his sulky disappearances, he’s literally left you holding the babies!
Youve had his children, yet he’s just buggered off as if you all don’t exist.
I would bugger off, too.
Home.
Just go.
You do not deserve this.

But holidays is different. You’ve likely not got a lot of toys, you need to feed them (and as she’s said she can’t do the buffet on her own), the hotel room isn’t going to be as toddler proof as your house.

it’s not the same at all and pretending that it is is disingenuous at best. Hats off to you if you can keep 3 young kids entertained all day in a hotel room but I can see why most can’t

I think genuinely that you know your DP best and if he is really likely to take days to accept your apology of throwing a baby hat at him, leaving you with 3 children, one of whom is tiny and the other has SEN in a baking hot country, then I would head home.
Having said that I’m pretty sure that should be relationship ending if you feel you have to.
You’re a braver lady than me, I wouldn’t have tried to take them abroad because I get stressed enough on planes without small very reliant children added into the equation.
You shouldn’t have a thrown the hat at him, he shouldn’t have suggested that he was just going to please himself.
Hopefully once you’ve all had a good night sleep, assuming he does come soon!

This all sounds chaotic 🤷‍♀️

That’s exactly what I thought - he’s just looking for an excuse to bail. Why the hell keep having kids if not interested in looking after them?!

@almay but they don’t need to be in the room all day! I’m going to bow out of this one because it’s turned into why the op can’t take her children out of the room rather than whether she should go home.

Unhelpful and unkind

He still isn’t answering so no clue what to do. I’m presuming he will be out late now (later than when I go to sleep as he will be avoiding me). I mean he’s ignored the fact that I’ve mentioned that I’m gonna book flights tomorrow. Unless he thinks I’m just saying that out of anger. But he hasn’t responded to anything so hard to know.

A hat? Really? And would you abandon three children to this violent hat thrower, or would it be about your hurt feelings being more important than your THREE small children?

If you can get back early then come home Op, your children are too young for you to manage on your own, and Dh is having a teenage strop. Come home and leave it a few more years

OP, I really feel for both of you. He’s got every right to be incandescent at your behaviour and you have every right to be angry with his. No one has won here.

I have an autistic 7 year old and a 4 year old. I also really struggle to take them out for an entire day alone. If my 7 year old is on board and regulated then sure, fine, but that’s impossible to predict in advance across an entire day and when she blows, dear god, she really really goes for it. I live in constant anxiety of that scenario and my subsequent inability to keep my 4 year old safe and calm her down at the same time. Fucking hideous.

If I were you, I would stay and go very low demand to the neurodivergent child to keep them as regulated as possible. I agree that you can’t take them to the beach safely alone, but if they will wear armbands and you have an inflatable situation for the baby then perhaps, an enormous perhaps, you could make that work. Lean on the staff around you, explain and ask for practical help. Good luck to you.

The children won't remember Op they are too young

Love to see you go up to the AI buffet and load 4 plates with an autistic 4 year old, 3 year old and a baby!!

@dementedmummy has the idea. Kids in the pushchair, go get the food from the buffet and then eat with them. Your 4 years old may have to stay in the buggy to eat, but it can’t be helped in the circumstances.

What were you planning to do on the holiday originally? Any way you could find a workaround?

If you’re going to book flights, how are the logistics of that going to work? Sorry, but at this point, you need to think practically because whatever you do is going to require a lot of organisation.

You were out of order throwing the hat (but you’ve acknowledged that!), but tbh it sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. IME nobody is at their best on day 1 of a holiday after a very late night, you were both stressed, you were unreasonable to throw the hat but he was unreasonable to faff with his hair, and then strop off out for the entire day, leaving you with 3 very small children alone instead of talking to you.

Honestly, if you know he will be like this for 2/3 days, I’d just go home. It’ll be shit for the kids either way, but at least you’ll be back somewhere prepared for your specific children’s needs. I’d then consider whether this is a relationship worth staying in..

I suspect he knows that you won’t actually book the flights home tomorrow so he can carry on ignoring you and having a lovely time all on his own while you pull your hair out.

This is no way to live. His multiple days of moods and silence treatment is abuse. He obviously has form for this and knows you will continue to tolerate it as you’re trapped with 3 young kids and on maternity leave.

It’s too late to turn the clock back but you need to give some serious thought to your future. Is this really the life you want? Do you want your children growing up with this as their relationship model? He won’t change. If anything he will get worse now you’re trapped. The only real way forward is to leave him but I think it’s too soon in the abuse cycle for you to realise that.

I think you’re being a tad dramatic. She threw a hat that knocked a glass over! Hardly a huge domestic row!

@BusyMommaOf4I would go home if he’s going to ignore you. Especially as you won’t be able to easily feed everyone. You can’t safely use the pool and lugging baby around with the pushchair in a hot country will be miserable.

My first husband treated me a bit like this on holiday once, pre kids though. Punished me all day with silence and grumping because I went back to the room after breakfast to put on a more comfortable bra.

Then I fell ill and he complained about how disappointed he was that I couldn't go out with him and that I was ruining the trip (didn't even stay in with me, but made me feel terrible).

I contemplated getting a flight home and leaving him altogether. I often look back and think I should have. Things never really improved and we ended up divorced.

OP I'm incensed on your behalf that he could treat you and the kids like this. However he's feeling they are his responsibility too. I don't want to be a doom monger but Im not sure this is going to get any better, especially as he has form for this.

Definitely ask the hotel staff for help and tell anyone who will listen that he's abandoned you and the kids.

See how you feel in the morning but don't write off going home if he's not come back and you're struggling - regardless of what the smug brigade have said, anyone would struggle in your situation 💐

I see lots of threads like this and all I can think of is poor children , being born and raised in these shit show environments. And then if you saying anything there's always someone to shoot you down "not helpful the children are already here" type thing.
Well no, those poor children. If only there was some way to prevent chdten being born and then consequently damaged emotionally for life by their upbringing

I suspect they’re not awful in the beginning, but well done you if you’ve managed to avoid meeting one…

You asking for a friend? 🤭. Ive got one you can have. 😅🤣🤣🤣

I’m giving it until 10 and then I’m booking flights. We’ve all barely had any sleep so not sure how he is even out this long if he’s drinking as he was also shattered this morning. But if that’s the holiday he wants, that’s not what I’ve come for and I may as well go home. There’s a flight at 8:10 in the morning so can’t leave it too late. Mainly as finding a taxi was a nightmare as I haven’t bought child seats and they wouldn’t take us from the airport. (That added a lot of time) I’ve literally found one place that will pick me up in the morning that can bring 3 child seats. The airport will be horrendous but I can’t stay like this. I could ask staff for help but I will cry! And I don’t want my kids to see that

So many questions!

Why have a third child if you already have two and one of them needs 121 attention?
Why would you go abroad with three very young children knowing one has serious challenges?
Why on earth would you choose a flight that lands at 1:30am?
Why didn't you just leave the baby with him and take the other 2 out?

I think you're just making life really difficult for yourself OP.