AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

You said it far better than I did! Stressy moments are normal but you apologise and draw a line under it and move on. Pissing off for an entire day and ignoring your partner and three kids is absolutely not normal!

What a nightmare. Your DH is being unbelievably selfish just going off and leaving you to it. It's a form of abuse, to keep you under control. Put a foot wrong and he doesn't speak to you for days. Or in a foreign country leave you without any help. It's awful.

In this case I think it's fine for the kids to see you cry, ask for the help you need. Anything to get you back home and safe. Ask for help, you will get it and you'll be fine.

As for your DH... What a twat. Throwing a hat in a general direction and accidentally knocking over a water bottle doesn't deserve this kind of treatment

Don't be ridiculous.
Op is entitled to think two adults can parent on holiday.
And I'm pretty sure she doesn't control the weather.

Might sound insane but can you pay for some help....from a reputable person obviously.
Are there kids clubs, perhaps somebody would like extra money.

How awful for you. Do you really think he won’t come back tonight and then be ok tomorrow? Seems such a shame to leave but I can fully understand how difficult it must be to look after the 3 of them around the pool etc. Honestly what a selfish arse.

How convenient for him that when he is unhappy with you @BusyMommaOf4, he gets to walk away from his parental responsibilities for the time duration of his choosing.

Instead of flying home, can your hire a nanny/pay for kids club? Don’t spoil your holiday for someone else sulking. I bet he’d love to be left for a week of peace in the sun. I’d be leaving pretty sharpish tomorrow morning before the kids get up so he has 3 to look after tomorrow. Get yourself to a neighbouring hotel for the day and enjoy it. I think arguments/frustrations are common when you have young kids and everyone is tired etc but you can’t abandon your spouse for a whole fucking day. I would also be tempted to suck it up and ask for help from staff. Sorry you’ve been left like this but start thinking of how you want your life to look from now on. He’s not reliable.

I think you’re mad to have gone on holiday in the first place!

Is he reading your messages at all?

Can you tell him to come and take at least 1 of HIS kids so they can eat.

Is there room service?

If I couldn’t feed my kids and had to fly home then the relationship would be over.

Wow! What a man! Throwing the hat at him might not have been your finest moment but it pales into insignificance next to his behaviour. An ill thought expression of frustration compared to leaving his children for 7+ hours after promising to take them to the pool.
If things are going to be crap for the next few days I'd risk a few rough hours travelling over a few days like today has been.
The age of your kids makes life difficult enough on holiday without throwing in SEN considerations.
If you choose to stay with this manchild he has a lot of growing up to do, this will be helped by walking in your shoes a couple of days a month and taking sole control of all 3 kids. (Leave the house or you'll help him - default setting) If hes not willing to work on things you're better off solo.

So would l

I would personally say that getting the 3 kids ready for flights at 0810 tomorrow morning is equally stressful. Can you leave it another day to see if you can secure some help from staff at the buffet. Explain the situation and I am sure a member of staff can be found to head to buffet and get a selection of food for you.
See if he comes home and have a chat when kids are asleep about how he cannot just fuck off and leave you to deal with them. Whatever the wrongs and rights of who did what. They are both your kids and this isn't on.
I am not sure if anything can be salvaged here but I hope you can at least make it less stressful

Sounds completely stressful!
Id definitely want to go home but that will escalate into something more in the long run.

I would be going home in your situation too I think.

Practically, can you pack just what you need to fly home with, maybe cabin luggage size. He can deal with the rest of it. That will save you loads of stress once you land as you can just leave the airport.

There will be someone in Reception if you are in a hotel. Ring them and explain that you are unexpectedly having to fly home, first thing tomorrow due to a 'family emergency' (which isn't untrue), but have three small children asleep and are unexpectedly now on your own. Ask them if it would it be possible to have some help with getting some food to your room that doesn't need refrigerating (so you can put some in a bag for departures lounge) for the children's and your breakfasts and some bottles of water as you are AI. I'm sure they will be able to rustle up something. Just so you know breakfast is sorted.

Id also be expecting the old lines to come out when he eventually does show up. 'my phone ran out of charge' 'it was stolen' 'O needed some time and space' blah blah. So why not just come straight back to the room then. Gaslighting incoming...

Presumably he has always even like this. Why did you have 3 children with him?

He sounds like a complete selfish arse. You threw a swimming hat at him because he was being useless. It’s hardly the massive deal he is pretending it is. Leaving you with the kids is a deliberate action to punish you. I can’t remember with your previous post but could you try and sit really close to the buffet. Get the 3 year old’s and your dinners. Leave them at the table. Then do your 4 year old’s? So the 4 year old isn’t unattended? I’m so sorry. He’s awful. If this is his typical behaviour I’d leave him when I got home.

Just on a very practical note re buffet restaurants - please ask a member of staff to help, you can pop the food onto plates with pushchair right there and they could carry to the table for you?

You might not find it easy to plate up each individual meals this way, but just pile some food onto plates then sort out into portions back at the table.

I did this with a pushchair when taking baby to breakfast so DH could have a lie in on holiday and the staff were really happy to help me. One morning I got a table next to the buffet and just left baby in buggy at the table and only ate off the nearest part of the buffet, which also worked.

Lot's of bad decisions here with hindsight, and foresight tbf. You knew you couldn't manage all 3 kids on your own (fair enough sounds very stressful), you knew that an argument would lead to this scenario, you provoked him during the argument, guaranteeing it would escalate. Then finding yourself in the very predicable predicament you won't ask staff to assist you in the restaurant or even a fellow mum so you can eat. It all sounds miserable so a flight home is probably the best outcome now

Not getting into the relationship as it doesn't sound like you're at rock bottom with him yet.

Stay strong OP. I think holidays add a lot of pressure and strain to relationships as there is a high expectation for everyone to have a wonderful time. I’m sorry your partner is acting like a 4th child in your family. I understand how you might be feeling.

going home may make things worse with your partner but staying could be worse for your kids and your mental and physical health.

whatever you decide be proud that you’re acting like the responsible adult. And find a way to break the cycle when you’re back home if you can. I really do feel for you. Sending lots of love and support.

And so would I. I really hope you can get through it.

Throwing thinfs at him is obviously not ok, but it was a hat, not a cricket ball. Also, look up reactive abuse.

Thisnis untenable. Yes you should leave. Silent treatment is never ok. Silent treatment on holidaynleavin you with the childrrn is full blown abuse.

Don’t go home. Make the most of your all inclusive. You’ll manage and people will help you. Get some sleep tonight and sort things out tomorrow. It’s not fair on your children to spend one solitary day on holiday, then go home in a strop, just to prove a point. Your partner is being an arse, don’t be one too.

buy 1 flight ticket yours!

Outrageous of him to leave you with the 3 little ones like that OP - yanbu whatever you decide.
I would have been inclined to actually go and look for him if he's drinking in the hotel bar.
Just one little thing though, I don't blame you for wanting to go home in the morning - but is this something that he will use against you forever? Like a stick to beat you with? It's a really big thing to just up and leave - it could spell the end of your relationship - but maybe you're ready for that...?
Mumsnet is famous for egging women along into doing stuff like this - "just dump the kids on him and go on a spa day" type thing, but it's you that will deal with the fall out.
I would advise texting him something like "if you don't come back to the room right now and talk this through like adults, and behave like a father to your dc on their holiday, I'll be taking a plane home in the morning" - just so he can't ever say he wasn't warned.

I'd go to bed and start afresh tomorrow.

In the morning, apologize for throwing the hat and say that you can't manage the children on your own so he has to help you. If he won't accept the apology and behave normally, book the flights home.

Or, if you think you can work out a way to manage, do as @Lexy2345 suggests and make the most of the AI.

I’d have gone out to find him hours ago and given him the eldest. Too late now.

Go home OP. Change the locks when you get back.