Page 40 | AIBU to just f off back home?

BusyMommaOf4 · 2026-08-03T17:36:18+00:00

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0) Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed. A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

AnaisVB · Yesterday 18:55

weusedtobeapropercountry · Yesterday 18:22

But you'd leave your kids with that person?

Bad enough you can't be anywhere near them, but fine enough your kid can. That makes no sense.

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100 % to this . If she’s this terrible monster that some are making her out to be , going off and leaving the kids with her doesn’t make sense at all.

Didimag48 · Yesterday 19:42

Take up your friend[s offer and go home early. the holidays are ruined anyway due to his sulking.

Pinkchickenwine · Yesterday 20:06

Didimag48 · Yesterday 19:42

Take up your friend[s offer and go home early. the holidays are ruined anyway due to his sulking.

They decided to stay (both of them) ….. two days ago!

Original poster

BusyMommaOf4 · Yesterday 21:20

There’s a lot of lovely people on here. Thank you for the kindness when I was really stressed/upset. I am still upset, however feeling much less stressed. The kids are having a good time despite this being most people’s idea off hell. I agree the flight time was bad (it was just double the price to fly at other times). For future I would absolutely just pay more. But to clarify the flight landed at 9pm (8pm uk time) so not too late. The issue was transport (baby seat wasn’t available and taxis wouldn’t take us without one). Tried for nearly 2 hours and then ended up having to be a coach. That probably added to the stress. Otherwise the kids would’ve only been a couple of hours behind schedule. I find AI quite convenient. But then I don’t like cooking or cleaning on holiday. So it’s each to their own. I don’t understand why people have to be so judgy about what sort of holiday I’m on. And I’m not getting pissed at the bar or stuffing my face. And I find the heat much more manageable than when we’ve having heat waves in the UK recently! Maybe it’s the pool and air conditioning.
I don’t need judging for having so many children either. I think the issue must be because I’ve had more after my autistic child? As I know plenty of people with more than 2 children who manage fine. My parents had 4 children and my childhood was great. Fair enough if they’re not looked after etc. But we have a house that’s big enough. They have what they need. No I’m not rich. But we can afford all the bills etc with enough to save a bit each month for a holiday each year. So what’s the issue? Just because I can’t manage on holiday. Well to be fair it would be a struggle with my autistic child and just one other on a holiday like this. So on that basis I should only have one. But judgement doesn’t bother me. It can’t. As I need to show my son that it shouldn’t bother him either. As I see people looking at him differently all the time because socially he acts different. I hope that doesn’t apply to any of those on here who have made unhelpful comments. As that is an unnecessary opinion. There’s people saying I should leave, and others saying that my behaviour was abusive and therefore think he was justified. So both of those can’t be correct. And to me that’s the issue with us. He’s in camp I’m abusive because I threw the hat. But doesn’t see his behaviour as wrong at all. He says he just needs that much time to regulate. I could maybe get past that if it wasn’t for the lack of understanding as to why I think it’s necessary for me to be able to contact him in the 12 hours he was gone. With no thought to check on the kids especially when he clearly knew how unsettled they’d been. So unless he has a miraculous revelation there will be no change separation wise. But a poster queried whether he is autistic. I think he generally could be. He does have ADHD which may play a part into his thinking. I queried whether my son has ADHD as well as I didn’t know that extreme activity, excessive climbing etc was linked to autism? I will raise it back at home incase medication will help when he’s older. But for now at least all his needs etc are noted on his ehcp. So thank you to the poster who mentioned the adhd.
We are still doing our own thing with the kids, swapping them at lunch etc so they spend time with each of us. Sounds a bit depressing writing it like that but it’s been ok. At least the kids are able to do stuff. Just 2 more days so will make the most of it as it will be the last abroad holiday for a long time.

OP posts:

Scampilicous · Yesterday 21:28

Sorry you have had such a judgemental time one here! Hope you are ok! Sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances- good luck
with everything, you sound like a great mum and deserve to be treated better. Sending hugs 😍

QuizNight · Yesterday 21:31

BusyMommaOf4 · Yesterday 21:20

There’s a lot of lovely people on here. Thank you for the kindness when I was really stressed/upset. I am still upset, however feeling much less stressed. The kids are having a good time despite this being most people’s idea off hell. I agree the flight time was bad (it was just double the price to fly at other times). For future I would absolutely just pay more. But to clarify the flight landed at 9pm (8pm uk time) so not too late. The issue was transport (baby seat wasn’t available and taxis wouldn’t take us without one). Tried for nearly 2 hours and then ended up having to be a coach. That probably added to the stress. Otherwise the kids would’ve only been a couple of hours behind schedule. I find AI quite convenient. But then I don’t like cooking or cleaning on holiday. So it’s each to their own. I don’t understand why people have to be so judgy about what sort of holiday I’m on. And I’m not getting pissed at the bar or stuffing my face. And I find the heat much more manageable than when we’ve having heat waves in the UK recently! Maybe it’s the pool and air conditioning.
I don’t need judging for having so many children either. I think the issue must be because I’ve had more after my autistic child? As I know plenty of people with more than 2 children who manage fine. My parents had 4 children and my childhood was great. Fair enough if they’re not looked after etc. But we have a house that’s big enough. They have what they need. No I’m not rich. But we can afford all the bills etc with enough to save a bit each month for a holiday each year. So what’s the issue? Just because I can’t manage on holiday. Well to be fair it would be a struggle with my autistic child and just one other on a holiday like this. So on that basis I should only have one. But judgement doesn’t bother me. It can’t. As I need to show my son that it shouldn’t bother him either. As I see people looking at him differently all the time because socially he acts different. I hope that doesn’t apply to any of those on here who have made unhelpful comments. As that is an unnecessary opinion. There’s people saying I should leave, and others saying that my behaviour was abusive and therefore think he was justified. So both of those can’t be correct. And to me that’s the issue with us. He’s in camp I’m abusive because I threw the hat. But doesn’t see his behaviour as wrong at all. He says he just needs that much time to regulate. I could maybe get past that if it wasn’t for the lack of understanding as to why I think it’s necessary for me to be able to contact him in the 12 hours he was gone. With no thought to check on the kids especially when he clearly knew how unsettled they’d been. So unless he has a miraculous revelation there will be no change separation wise. But a poster queried whether he is autistic. I think he generally could be. He does have ADHD which may play a part into his thinking. I queried whether my son has ADHD as well as I didn’t know that extreme activity, excessive climbing etc was linked to autism? I will raise it back at home incase medication will help when he’s older. But for now at least all his needs etc are noted on his ehcp. So thank you to the poster who mentioned the adhd.
We are still doing our own thing with the kids, swapping them at lunch etc so they spend time with each of us. Sounds a bit depressing writing it like that but it’s been ok. At least the kids are able to do stuff. Just 2 more days so will make the most of it as it will be the last abroad holiday for a long time.

I would ask him what he would do if one of the children annoyed him as much as, or more than, you did (very possible, especially as they get a bit older). Would he leave them alone for 12 hours while he regulates? If the answer is no (it’d better be no) then he knows it is possible to regulate himself sooner than that, and he chose not to.

BitterTits · Yesterday 21:32

Hey op. Honestly it doesn't matter what judgements anyone makes on here. You were in a really difficult situation caused by the selfishness of your husband; you've rightly decided that isn't the way you want to live and you've reached an interim compromise. You don't need to explain yourself further. Hope you're managing to enjoy some rest!

GingerdeadMan · Yesterday 21:34

He needs 24 hours to regulate - but you're expected to be perfectly regulated all the time, despite extreme provocation from him? Hmm.

He may have ADHD but this is taking the piss, I think.

I'm so glad you're making the holiday situation work.

Heretohelp1111 · Yesterday 21:38

Out of interest have you ever left him alone for an excessive period of time because you need to regulate? I’d be very interested to know how he would respond to that. I suspect you wouldn’t benefit from the understanding he expects of you.

PinkMagpie · Yesterday 21:40

OP i’d be quite tempted to bugger off somewhere on my own tomorrow and say I needed 12 hours to regulate

1HappyTraveller · Yesterday 21:49

BusyMommaOf4 · Yesterday 21:20

There’s a lot of lovely people on here. Thank you for the kindness when I was really stressed/upset. I am still upset, however feeling much less stressed. The kids are having a good time despite this being most people’s idea off hell. I agree the flight time was bad (it was just double the price to fly at other times). For future I would absolutely just pay more. But to clarify the flight landed at 9pm (8pm uk time) so not too late. The issue was transport (baby seat wasn’t available and taxis wouldn’t take us without one). Tried for nearly 2 hours and then ended up having to be a coach. That probably added to the stress. Otherwise the kids would’ve only been a couple of hours behind schedule. I find AI quite convenient. But then I don’t like cooking or cleaning on holiday. So it’s each to their own. I don’t understand why people have to be so judgy about what sort of holiday I’m on. And I’m not getting pissed at the bar or stuffing my face. And I find the heat much more manageable than when we’ve having heat waves in the UK recently! Maybe it’s the pool and air conditioning.
I don’t need judging for having so many children either. I think the issue must be because I’ve had more after my autistic child? As I know plenty of people with more than 2 children who manage fine. My parents had 4 children and my childhood was great. Fair enough if they’re not looked after etc. But we have a house that’s big enough. They have what they need. No I’m not rich. But we can afford all the bills etc with enough to save a bit each month for a holiday each year. So what’s the issue? Just because I can’t manage on holiday. Well to be fair it would be a struggle with my autistic child and just one other on a holiday like this. So on that basis I should only have one. But judgement doesn’t bother me. It can’t. As I need to show my son that it shouldn’t bother him either. As I see people looking at him differently all the time because socially he acts different. I hope that doesn’t apply to any of those on here who have made unhelpful comments. As that is an unnecessary opinion. There’s people saying I should leave, and others saying that my behaviour was abusive and therefore think he was justified. So both of those can’t be correct. And to me that’s the issue with us. He’s in camp I’m abusive because I threw the hat. But doesn’t see his behaviour as wrong at all. He says he just needs that much time to regulate. I could maybe get past that if it wasn’t for the lack of understanding as to why I think it’s necessary for me to be able to contact him in the 12 hours he was gone. With no thought to check on the kids especially when he clearly knew how unsettled they’d been. So unless he has a miraculous revelation there will be no change separation wise. But a poster queried whether he is autistic. I think he generally could be. He does have ADHD which may play a part into his thinking. I queried whether my son has ADHD as well as I didn’t know that extreme activity, excessive climbing etc was linked to autism? I will raise it back at home incase medication will help when he’s older. But for now at least all his needs etc are noted on his ehcp. So thank you to the poster who mentioned the adhd.
We are still doing our own thing with the kids, swapping them at lunch etc so they spend time with each of us. Sounds a bit depressing writing it like that but it’s been ok. At least the kids are able to do stuff. Just 2 more days so will make the most of it as it will be the last abroad holiday for a long time.

Doesn’t matter how long he feels it takes him to regulate. He’s a parent and he needs to act like one. P*ssing off for 12 hours isn’t okay. What is he going to do when he is solo parenting and he gets annoyed and feels like he needs to regulate himself? Is he going to walk out on his kids for 12 hours? His behaviour is unacceptable.

1HappyTraveller · Yesterday 21:49

QuizNight · Yesterday 21:31

I would ask him what he would do if one of the children annoyed him as much as, or more than, you did (very possible, especially as they get a bit older). Would he leave them alone for 12 hours while he regulates? If the answer is no (it’d better be no) then he knows it is possible to regulate himself sooner than that, and he chose not to.

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Exactly!!!! ☝🏻

StarCourt · Yesterday 22:04

QuizNight · Yesterday 21:31

I would ask him what he would do if one of the children annoyed him as much as, or more than, you did (very possible, especially as they get a bit older). Would he leave them alone for 12 hours while he regulates? If the answer is no (it’d better be no) then he knows it is possible to regulate himself sooner than that, and he chose not to.

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Absolutely this ⬆️

Violetwall · Yesterday 22:09

Really wishing you well OP.
You and your children deserve so much better than this.

Goldenmimx · Yesterday 22:09

I hope you manage to get some enjoyment out of the rest of the holiday OP, even if that enjoyment in the circumstances is seeing your children have a nice time. I think you’ve done well considering what’s happened and how stressful and actually quite depressing it all must feel. Good luck in whatever you decide to do when you get home

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:33

BitterTits · Yesterday 21:32

Hey op. Honestly it doesn't matter what judgements anyone makes on here. You were in a really difficult situation caused by the selfishness of your husband; you've rightly decided that isn't the way you want to live and you've reached an interim compromise. You don't need to explain yourself further. Hope you're managing to enjoy some rest!

Edited

Your alias gave me a chuckle. Is there a story behind it?

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:36

PinkMagpie · Yesterday 21:40

OP i’d be quite tempted to bugger off somewhere on my own tomorrow and say I needed 12 hours to regulate

No need to stoop to his level. Plus I doubt any mama would relax for a second doing that under these circumstances. She certainly deserves it though and hopefully she has support network at home so op can take some alone time to relax and make sense of what's happened.

BitterTits · Yesterday 22:40

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:33

Your alias gave me a chuckle. Is there a story behind it?

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It was just my take on sugartits! (Sorry, you did ask!)

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:40

Mangelwurzelfortea · Yesterday 09:43

If your partner threw a baby's hat at you - the approx weight of a handkerchief - you'd leave? Even though you've got three kids together, including a baby? Wow.

No, throwing stuff at people doesn't resolve conflict but there was obvious provocation, it was a one-off and it was hardly as if she threw a dangerous heavy weight at his head. I think your pearl-clutching is OTT.

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It knocked a water bottle over so even if empty a handkerchief thrown across a room and knocking over a bottle would be an impressive feat. Also said hat would blow away and disintegrate very easily so your post is inaccurate I'm afraid.

FlorenceLawrence · Yesterday 22:41

I think you've absolutely the right thing, and done your best to salvage a horrible situation and give your kids a nice holiday.
It's always sad to see the break up of a couple with such young DC - but he sounds v stubborn and not an easy person to communicate with. Maybe that's the ADHD, maybe just his personality. I don't think it's remotely reasonable to leave you for 12 hours - maybe an hour just to cool down, but 12?? I think it was more about punishing you.

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:43

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 05/08/2026 22:04

Actually if I saw a man throwing a cloth baby hat at a woman and she fled in fear I'd think she was a wet hen who needed to grow the fuck up. It was a small soft hat. You could do more damage just tossing the water bottle at someone not even hurling it in anger.

You wouldn't choose to throw such a feeble object in anger, I'd definitely pick something more substantial, I'd potentially use it if frustrated with someone faffing though.

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Alot to unpack here. I'm concerned quite frankly.

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:50

BitterTits · Yesterday 22:40

It was just my take on sugartits! (Sorry, you did ask!)

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Well that has brightened my evening and tickled me. I shall now use that term to see the reaction of my friends and family.. (my daughter's are over the age of 18) hope you have a great weekend BT

HumbleHun · Yesterday 22:54

Violetwall · Yesterday 22:09

Really wishing you well OP.
You and your children deserve so much better than this.

At this point that is the perfect post.

HumbleHun · Yesterday 23:02

FlorenceLawrence · Yesterday 22:41

I think you've absolutely the right thing, and done your best to salvage a horrible situation and give your kids a nice holiday.
It's always sad to see the break up of a couple with such young DC - but he sounds v stubborn and not an easy person to communicate with. Maybe that's the ADHD, maybe just his personality. I don't think it's remotely reasonable to leave you for 12 hours - maybe an hour just to cool down, but 12?? I think it was more about punishing you.

Florence if he was born in the 80s there is a very good chance his autism or ADHD etc was never picked up on and he shuts himself off in the face of confrontation, personal problems, fight or flight situations. He may not have the tools to cope with stress or have the emotional maturity to be a good husband. We all have our problems and some of us are far better at dealing with situations than others. I'm not defending either party by the way just trying to see both points of view as breaking up a family is such a big deal and scars children for life that people encouraging OP to do that with limited information are out of order. We've heard one side of it and it isnt pretty but it's not enough for anyone in here to advise life-changing decisions.

pikkumyy77 · Today 03:58

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 04/08/2026 20:07

Hmm. I'm curious whether you would feel the same if he'd thrown it at her.

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Statistics are not on your side. Male violence towards women and children is very well documented. Very few women physically abuse their spouses the existence of a few notwithstanding. The pathway for men to go from violence with objects to direct battery snd murder is also quite common but very much not common for women. Its just not.