AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

I wouldn't even tell him. I would just go home, that will make him think a bit. He doesn't deserve an explanation or a family

@BusyMommaOf4

I wouldn't even tell him. I would just go home, that will make him think a bit. He doesn't deserve an explanation or a family

Can I clarify, you have decided to separate over this or you are just keeping a distance at the moment?

Same. I'd need at least 7 hours to process why someone who supposedly loves me thinks throwing something at me resolves conflict. And then I'd probably leave.

I can understand why you feel completely overwhelmed. A late arrival, three young children, lack of sleep and trying to manage a holiday day when one child has additional needs is a lot for anyone. Throwing the hat wasn’t OK, but I also don’t think disappearing for hours and refusing to communicate while leaving you alone with three children is a reasonable way to handle a disagreement. Right now I wouldn’t make a big decision like flying home while you’re exhausted and upset. If he comes back, I’d try to focus first on getting through the next day rather than deciding the whole holiday. You both sound like you were at breaking point, but you also need some teamwork because looking after three children abroad isn’t something one person can realistically carry alone.

Hopefully OP things have now calmed down and you're enjoying your holiday.
Just wanted to say been there got the t-shirt and now divorced after 17 years of marriage (DC were 12 and 8 at divorce). The only way I found to do holidays was to put no pressure on the ex to join in, just to tell him what me and the kids were doing and he could join or not. So last family holiday I did two beach trips on my own plus a day out. It was probably actually the last nice time we had together. As someone else said, that does sound like pandering to him but then if you are married to a narcissist like I was what options do you have - especially for the sake of the kids. I wouldn't go home - you've earned this holiday too. But maybe when you are home you can go off and do something actually for you to have a break? Even if only for a few hours.

If your partner threw a baby's hat at you - the approx weight of a handkerchief - you'd leave? Even though you've got three kids together, including a baby? Wow.

No, throwing stuff at people doesn't resolve conflict but there was obvious provocation, it was a one-off and it was hardly as if she threw a dangerous heavy weight at his head. I think your pearl-clutching is OTT.

You think it's pearl clutching to be against violence being used as conflict resolution? If OP were a man, she'd be crucified.

Love the idea that she'd carefully consider the weight of the hat before deciding it's justified to throw it.

Also, "it was a one off" is never defensible (and rarely true).

Yeah. I don't buy that posters laying into OPs who have more than 2 children, are stepmums, or have not yet left a bad partner are all actually misunderstood and sad about their own lives - but it's either that or they are simply shitty people.

https://icjia.illinois.gov/researchhub/articles/gender-differences-in-intimate-partner-violence-service-use/

"Criminological data indicates that physical violence initiated by male perpetrators in domestic contexts is significantly more likely to escalate to severe injury or intimate partner homicide."

"Public health and criminological data consistently find that when women use physical force or violence against an intimate partner, it is frequently reactive, situational, or motivated by self-defense, rather than a systematic escalation of power and control."

You can justify light violence all you want, I'm still not in favour sorry.

A hat?!?!

If you want your family to grow stronger instead of fracture, you need to let things go and communicate better. You and your partner need to be a team united against kid challenges. Throwing things at him isn’t mature or acceptable. He’s also not acting maturely, but you can only control how you’re communicating and acting and that currently isn’t great.

I'd have said Butlins or another UK hoilday resort set up with kids in mind and with some childcare options that can be booked if it all gets too much.

I think OP may see a hoilday aboard in sun as normal though - though most people I knew with younger kids weren't tending to do them at least with out extended family till older ages - and those with ND kids were later still.

Hence me wondering if the OP is in denial about the limitations and extra stress the kids spacing (I had similar) and their extra needs have placed on them.

As posters are still responding to the first of OP's posts I'm quoting her update from 2 days ago.

OP - I hope things have improved, I hope you have found some joy from your well needed holiday. Look after yourself x

Go to the restaurant/buffet and say to the staff "I'm sorry to bother you, but my partner is ill in bed and feeding three little ones is going to be hard. Would somebody be able to help me?". Or say the same thing to a nice-looking couple with one child. I get that DP is being an arse, but making things harder than they need to be for you (and the kids) is not going to make is easier for either of you to patch things up when sense prevails again.

If you go back and read OP's posts you will find that she did indeed apologise and accept responsibility for the incident and that she was not referring to her autistic son when calling one of her children a cry baby.

Thank you!

I’m so sorry your holiday hasn’t turned out how you had hoped it would. Yes, you shouldn’t have thrown a hat at him but it was hardly a brick. What is absolutely appalling is that he left you and the children until midnight with no way of contacting you or of you contacting him. Totally unforgivable in my book.

And that must be a really miserable time for OP, so I’d still suggest calling a family member to come and keep her company. It must be a really sad/hard time for her to be enjoying herself with that looming over her head, and the barely talking unless it’s related to the kids. They’re being civil but not hanging out together, I know I’d want some familiar company and support if it was available…..

But you'd leave your kids with that person?

Bad enough you can't be anywhere near them, but fine enough your kid can. That makes no sense.

"light violence", aka "frustration".