AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Lusteto yourself. Stop badgering the woman.

I was lost at him.doing his hair and why @BusyMommaOf4 you didn't take the baby, go to breakfast and leave him in the room for a couple of hours with the older two.

I'm sorry, it all sounds very toxic and bloody awful.

Why on earth would anyone go away to an AI hotel where crowds and queues will overstimulate an autistic child?

If you stay together, FFS, next time get a self catering cottage at a UK resort and treat the kids to some buckets and spades.

And leave your three children. You sound a charmer.

Do you have little kids? One with special needs also? It is absolutely not the same pushing them in a pushchair up until we’re boarding the plane than taking them swimming or to the beach etc alone.
It will still be horrific don’t get me wrong and I’ve spent ages contemplating it hence why I’m on here! My initial thought was leave the older ones or one of them and go home with baby then they can still enjoy the holiday if I’m the issue. But as I said he’s not responding. And I highly doubt he wants to keep the kids here with him as he can’t then do as he pleases

Send him one final text to say that either he comes back and starts parenting or both the holiday and the relationship are over.

Darling I’m sending you love and strength. This is shitty behaviour. It was never going to be easy by the sounds of it. From travelling to managing them being so young and needing extra support. IMO have a think what is best for you. Staying or going. Your friends a legend for offering money tickets. Maybe call and see if you could swap your tickets for an earlier flight. IMO it wouldn't be worth staying if he is going to need a few days to calm down. And ghost you abroad with the 3 kids. I’m sure his having a lovely time exploring the resort and getting food and drink as and when he wishes. It’s thoughtless and selfish. When he decided to come back please ensure you explain his behaviour is unexceptable and you understand his reaction to your behaviour, that your sorry but you sort it out or your going home:

But yes I did throw a baby swim hat at him at his suggestion that he fucks off out. Out of order but I think most people would be annoyed to be in this position

And ignore any sulking. Tell him that it is his shift now and you get tomorrow to yourself. Only fair to alternate.

Yeesh.

I mean I'd want to go home but who wants to fly home with 3 kids solo with 2 in a pushchair. Text him and say he is taking the kids tomorrow and then off you go to the beach or something.

Keep the younger 2 in the pushchair at a table in the restaurant.

grab them food (baby in carrier)

Then get yourself a plate of food.

Then get them at the table.

Other than that. No the fight wasn’t good but him disappearing all day leaving you with 3 young children which includes a disabled child and a newborn is beyond the pale.

Hes a father of 3 he needs to learn to deal with the difficulties that go with that.

But I wouldn’t go home. Not if it’s salvageable for the rest for he week still ruin it for the kids.

I would however be having a day/ few hours to myself as compensation.

Seriously consider your future when you’re home again.

@BusyMommaOf4I have 4, and two are SN. Your relationship is so harmful for your children, whatever you decide to do I hope you don’t throw things and abandon each other in hotel rooms around them again.

You need an honest conversation. With 3 its going to be a juggling act and you need to be a team.

I dont completely follow your argument but if he was faffing and you needed ti take the 2 oldest for a walk you should have just give him baby and said youre taking the others for a walk so hopefully they'll nap.

You need to both communicate.

A plane ride home will be a nightmare if yiu cant manage a buffet.

Send him one more text to get his arse back and take over the kids or you're going home and the relationship is over.

This is awful. He's using the kids to punish you - and punishing them in the process.
Id send him a txt detailing that you will be 100% leaving in the morning if he doesn't come back to the room now. Try to sort it out if you can, but remember this incident if you're ever considering another holiday with him. You need to be with a reliable adult, i wouldn't be going abroad with just him and the kids again, or anywhere I couldn't get myself and the kids home easily from really.
Also if hes still being a knob at breakfast, consider explaining to another family that you're unexpectedly alone and if they could help you get the kids some breakfast you'd really appreciate it. Id absolutely help a mum in this position.

He’s got to come back to the room at some point.

🏆well done you

Oh and he's a useless twat and selfish fir deserting you, but you know that already......

Everyone is tired and grumpy after late arrival and early morning. He really needed to cut you some slack and step up and help this morning. He really really doesn't need to go off on a huff for hours, it's immature and rather shit to punish the person they are supposed to love, let alone his own children like that. Throwing a hat is absolutely nothing and no need to react like this.

What a joy he is. I think I'd be tempted to go home too but that would be seen by him as you being as immature as he is. I'd be more likely to stop texting, try and get into holiday mode as best as I could, big smiles, to show him that his shit behaviour doesn't ruin anything anymore. It holds no power.

And that’s great for you but irrelevant to me. If I could safely manage all 3 there wouldn’t be an issue and I’d carry on without him. I imagine most parents can do that. And if you have a special needs child that is assessed at the age of 4 (well 3 actually) as needing 1:1 support and you’re still saying you can manage that yourself along with a baby and toddler in tow then yes hats off to you. You are an amazing parent and need to come and show me how to do it then.

You say that when 1 of the children is assessed for 1:1 support at school...in a new and unknown place? That's just ridiculous to claim. OP was talking about keeping the children safe swimming...you'd have magical safeguarding skills or are just trolling?

@BusyMommaOf4I don’t understand, genuinely…how do you parent when he’s at work? It’s not that I’m a great parent, I just don’t have a choice.

Unfortunately OP has a child who needs 1:1 close attention AND a baby abd then 1 more...it's too much ...as her DP knows

@Anyahyacinthother activities are available, I’m sure.

I'm guessing OP doesn't swim across her living room and has child proofed her home...unlike a hotel ...seriously you had to ask that???