AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

This. I can’t imagine the stress of taking a 4, 3 an 0 year old on holiday! That’s a holiday for no one. And you can’t even have a break as it’s too much for one person to look after all three safely as you have seen.

He sounds like he’s being a dick but it also sounds like it’s going to be a massive stress. We didn’t go abroad until mine were 4 and 3 but we didn’t have a third baby.

I had a holiday like this when my 2nd child was 1.
I didn’t go abroad with the kids again until the youngest was 6 - it’s just not worth it.

People who haven't lived it can't understand.

I suspect you might find out though, if forced, that you can do more than you think! I amazed myself after my ex left me with 4 kids on my own (2 with additional needs at that point).

I think what i would do is eat something. Take kids out for another little walk, come back and get everyone to bed and have a good sleep on it.

Make your decision in the morning when it isn't so fresh.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to just go back home though.

I’d leave the idiot and take your Friend’s offer. I couldn’t even sit still to eat in a restaurant on AI holiday with ds3 without help as he kept running off. There’s no way u can go to the restaurant alone with 2 toddlers and a baby on your own and eat in peace without help. what a horrible man!!

@QuaintBeaker I literally am living it.

It's totally different in your own home where you have safe space for your kids and where they feel happy

Being at home is not the same as being on holiday though is it. They are all exhausted, routine out of the window and everyone is grumpy.

OP your OH is selfish. He’s obviously trying to punish you but it’s really the kids that will miss out. He knows how tricky simple things are with 3 children and he’s just gone of on his own like a big child. I’m not surprised you threw a swim hat at him, you must have been at your wits end!

Holidays with kids this age are awful, sympathy. But his behaviour is outrageous. It would be the end of things for me and I'd be taking the kids home and leaving him to it.

Get help if you're throwing things like this-no it's not ok that someone leaves everything to their partner, but it's happened a lot with some members of our family and they never throw things like this. You could look into family counselling to sort out issues for both of you.

Do you have the passports?

I can't understand why you chose to go on a holiday abroad with three such young children, one with additional needs, to a busy hotel where all five of you are stuck in one room. That sounds like an absolute nightmare and not in the slightest bit enjoyable. My idea of hell, actually!

I think if I were you I would cut my losses and go home. Let the kids play outside in the garden, if you have one, or in your local park. Much more relaxing for all of you.

You are living being on holiday with the same age kids as me with special needs also? Tell me what you would do with them all on holiday then activity wise. Knowing that I’ll have a baby in a sling and can’t let go of my 4 year old. My 3 year also before you suggest it will absolutely not go to kids club. He’s a big cry baby and won’t be left with people he doesn’t know.
As others have said you can’t compare it to being at home. I parent solely most days as I’m on maternity and he’s at work. And they’re all at home 2 days during the week. I can manage going out certain places if I’m prepared. At home obviously it’s safe and everything is secured.

Well, odd decision to have a third child with a sulky DH and a rocky relationship, when you’ve already got one with special needs, but too late to reconsider that now.

Holidays with young kids are never fun or easy, it’s just the same chaos in a different setting. In fact harder than being at home if hes not going to help you. I’d come home, whats the point in staying. And then I’d be reconsidering the marriage, you obviously don’t bring out the best in each other.

It would be the end for me. I'd book return tickets and lose his passport on the way to the airport, or flush it. That should cause some inconvenience to him . . . (pun intended)

God no, there’s no way I’d put myself through that!

But, as you’ve asked…the op said the eldest two are in a pushchair. In her position I’d strap the baby to me, strap the bigger two into the pushchair, go for a walk and find some ice cream.

edited, sorry op I’ve just seen it was your comment I was replying to!

This sounds horrendous. Those poor children. Is this what you want for the rest of your life - and for their childhoods?

And that would take all day? And then just do the same for the next 5 days?

Are you on a package holiday OP? If so perhaps consider contacting the rep and letting them know your partner has “disappeared”. Ask for assistance - could the hotel bring some food up to your room under these circumstances?

Is there a relative at home who could try and contact your partner and tell him how unreasonable/selfish he is being? When you do get home please consider if this relationship is right for you. I’m so sorry you’ve been left in this situation.

@BusyMommaOf4 why not? I’d rather be doing it in the sun 🤷‍♀️

and what would you do for the other 11ish hours of the day then

This holiday sounds stressful even with a supportive partner and three neurotypical children let alone with a shit husband and a neurodiverse child.

I feel for you @BusyMommaOf4

The hard truth is that you need to tell your husband it’s not ok to disappear when you and him fall out or it’s over. You can’t continue to live being left literally holding the baby whilst he fucks off everytime life gets a little hard. No matter how pissed you are at each other you’re both a team and need to parent your children.

This behaviour would be an absolute deal breaker for me and it’s all well and good asking why you’ve gone on to have three children with this man because here we are. You have to deal with the situation you’ve found yourself in and ask if this is how you want to face your parenting journey?

So sorry, he sounds really awful and I can't imagine how terrible that is to live with. It does sound like he doesn't care about you or the children.

You threw a baby hat at him... not a knife, while you were dealing with all the mental load and doing all the physical labour. Please forgive yourself, this was not an awful thing to do, but I expect it was a handy catalyst for him to disappear to the bar and have a day off. The narcissistic arsehole.

If he doesn't come back to sleep, then I would be tempted to phone the front desk and let them know what has happened. You will probably cry while telling them, and that's OK, you have had an awful time and it's expected. But do ask them if you can have some help at breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know that the staff are busy but I should imagine a staff member would feel very sorry for you and try to help.

Going home is of course an option and that would give the narcissistic arsehole a nice holiday on his own.

If I had heard someone who had been through that while I was on holiday I would gladly hold the baby throughout breakfast, lunch and dinner for you at least. Tell as many people as possible, cry and let that emotion out. This is a terrible thing to happen, it's not normal and good people will help if you ask.

@almay walk, eat, let them have their naps…not much different to home, honestly.

Can I just back track here, why are you in the wrong again, because you were stressed, because he wasn't helping you with the kids and he was leaving you to do it all whilst he faffed? Are they his kids OP?

I ask that because if they are and he left you to try settle them, to walk them around and then try get the baby ready, unless I am missing something, he is a complete waste of space and your stress was justified.

And it sounds to me like he is playing you, winds you up, lets you kick off and then makes out he is punishing you with his absence when he is actually using it as an excuse to leave you with all the responsibility whilst he chills?

Think about it!

As a thought, and yes a bit of a faff, but could you put both kids in the push chair for dinner. Baby in carrier. Ask to be seated near the buffet table. Go up to get SEND child food first and get him or her something finger food wise at the same time - doesn't matter if its a roll or pineapple or a jam donut! Give finger food to SEND child and put their plate on the table, repeat for child 2 then repeat for baby and you. Them all sit at dinner to eat. Staff might see you struggling and offer to put high chairs etc out for you. Might make it just a bit easier for you not to spend money you don't have and get everyone fed.
As for DH, neither of you have covered yourselves in glory. I would however be tempted (but I'm petty!) to send him a message to say once he is done sulking, could he go get changed into swimwear and assist with taking kids to the pool as you are a 2:1 ratio in the pool and therefore no one can use the pool. If he isn't interested in doing so, he can get his butt back to explain to the children why they are unable to use the pool, namely daddy can't be arsed to deal with them.
As for you, honey, do yourself a massive favour and see this as a wake up call that you and the kids deserve better treatment and DH shouldn't be getting things flung at him because he has taken too long.
Good luck - I hope you at least get to enjoy a bit of your holiday