AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

It's his wife. It's sad but they have moved on now. If your parents were still married that would be different.

However you are not required to support his relationship but I would question why, if it's an issue, you would still invite your dad. Surely you would disinvite them both?

I wouldn’t want her there to be honest and do understand your mum feeling like this x

I think it’s your day…..you invite whoever you want. I would put my mam first in these circumstances. Your dad sounds like he’s been a bit of a dick to her over the years. No way would I invite TOW if she had been calling my mam names. Tell your dad you’re not prepared to have her there after everything that’s happened and if he chooses not to come it’s his loss. It doesn’t sound like you are that close to your dad anyway or maybe I’m reading it wrong. What does your fiancé think? This is a special day for you fuck the rest of them. I really hope you get sorted x

It’s your wedding so if you don’t like her don’t let her attend your dad is choosing her over you, think that is clear where you stand. Just say sorry dad it’s a pity you won’t come but I don’t want her there.

I would add - length of time would be a massive factor. If they divorced recently due to an affair - no way. And if my dad does not like he can stay away. However if it had been decades...I would just explain to my mom she will unfortunately have to suck it up.

It would be a no from me. It's up to your DF if he wants to miss your wedding rather than upset her.

Oh goodness. I should have read all the updates. Screw that for a bag of bananas. Somebody I don't like, who is not a nice person and who is disrespectful to / about my mother is not welcome at my wedding.

At my siblings weddings the parents and the step-parents were at the top table. They had to have a huge top table as both sets of parents were with new partners!

Don’t invite her, you will be on tenterhooks worrying about her behaviour and your mother deserves to enjoy your wedding day

I wouldn't invite either of them. If he'd miss your wedding because of her I personally wouldn't want him there anyway.

Its your wedding so invite who you like and exclude who you want.

Let your parents do what they like with their invitations

Wish I could change my vote now I've read your subsequent posts.

YANBU. You don't like this woman. Your mum will find it hard. Your dad can choose to put her first if he must but on your position I wouldn't invite her.

I didn’t invite her in the same scenario and my dad turned up and did his best to have a nice time.
I decided to put myself in everyone involved’s shoes and concluded:

1. I really didn’t believe she’d (have the balls to) feel actually comfortable being there under scrutiny by whole extended family & friends anyway.
2. I rationalised were I the OW in this situation I would reasonably understand that staying out is the civilised thing to do.

I am glad I stuck to my guns. She made his whole funeral about her several years later.

I have been to a lot of weddings… usually the top table I’d bride, groom, parents, best man and bridesmaids!

they must have had an enormous top table!

plus I am guessing that the step parents were all amicable and welcome, which isn’t the case in this situation.

Its still the ops father and no matter how you view it that WILL be a hard decision for her to make. It's got a lot to do with morals as you demonstrate here by having a personal view from your morals.

It is his choice if he wants to refuse the single invitation. His loss. Once again proving that he can’t put himself aside even for one day.

Sounds like it’s either your mum or your dad’s bit on the side. I would choose my mum every time. If your dad is so shallow that he can’t attend his daughter’s wedding without the second wife, then he’s really not worth bothering about.

Trust me… it’s very much still a thing!

Having joined friends for their first weddings, I am now going through all of their second weddings as it turns out many of them married cockwombles the first time!

Second time round it’s more hotels rather than churches and live bands rather than string quartets which is a relief!

I can understand why your dad might want to attend his daughter’s wedding with his new wife. I can understand why your mum might be upset. Ultimately though it is how you feel that counts.

she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school

No way would this woman be invited to my wedding, my Mum wouldn’t deserve that.

Every separated parent knows that they will need to face their ex and be well behaved and gracious at any wedding, but to have a name calling OW present is a step too far.

This feels like a problem for your father to navigate. If you don’t want her there then don’t invite her and let the chips fall where they may. If your father has any sort of spine then he won’t miss your wedding and he will deal with the fallout in his marriage on his own. Don’t pander to a man who blew up your family years ago because he failed to keep it in his pants.

DH had a similar situation. FIL married his mistress, we invited both to the wedding. It helped that MIL had remarried. He was stressed about them being the same place but they all behaved. Many years had passed since the divorce.

DH would rather have had his Dad there with his with than not invite her and his Dad not come. I’ve been at a few weddings when there have been tricky situations between bride or groom’s parents. Most parents just keep distance between them but are civil for their child. Your Mum might not want her there but surely having your Dad there is more important?

Your dad should not be calling the shots. It’s your day and I don’t know how he thinks that it’s ok for his current wife to be there given the circumstances.

Ultimately it’s your day & it’s what you want. If you don’t want her at your wedding, don’t invite her & tell your dad you’d like him there but completely understand why he’s decided not to come.

I wouldn’t mention your mum feeling disrespected or you not liking new wife. Leave the ball clearly in his court knowing she’s not invited to any part of the day (in case she tries to wangle along to evening)

My dad's partner (mistress who broke up their marriage) was not invited to my wedding. Dad asked but was told no bloody way was she coming as I wanted to enjoy my day. He thinks I don't know that she stayed at the hotel while he came to my wedding.

Dick.

Don't invite her if you don't want her there. Stick to your guns. I did and I was very happy with my decision.