AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

i have family who would play this sort of game.
It’s your wedding. Tell your dad that it’s important both your parents are at the wedding. As it would make your mother uncomfortable, you are asking that his wife doesn’t come.

If he digs in, then I would say the invite still stands with his invite but if he chooses not to come then that’s his choice.

This and if your dad doesn’t come, so be it. He’ll be making a very clear declaration of where his priorities lie.

My mum could not have attended my wedding if I had invited my father and his current wife, for reasons I fully understand. Sometimes parental marriage breakups are civil, or relationships can be polite after many years. However in other situations (eg domestic abuse & extreme trauma) it's not possible and people (usually dads!) have to accept the consequences of their behaviour. The last place you want family drama and a distressed MOB or bride is a wedding.

The info you have posted makes it clear excluding one or both of them would be not only reasonable, but the only way forward to protect your mum (and maybe yourself as well) from unnecessary stress and distress.

I wouldn't really want to get involved but I think I would with anyone riding roughshod over people's plans and invitations.

If your dad's wife isn't invited, then she isn't invited and that's that. What decent person insists on an invite to attend a celebration that they are not wanted at? Bulldozing their way in.

So, I would stick to mum and dad and invited and that's it. Up to him and his wife what they do. I wouldn't be pushed around by them.

I think your Dad is behaving appallingly in all of this.

He was dishonest.

If he’d wanted to move on to another relationship or not be with your Mum for any reason, he should have ended that relationship, left a little gap to get on his feet etc, and then started a new relationship. Not lied and gone behind your Mum’s back.

The consequences of a deception like that are and should be lifelong. He should have to feel awkward having to attend events alone, even if you Mum gets a new partner and brings him, that is a legitimate relationship and she should be allowed to. Your Dad should go on having to attend alone.

And as I mentioned before, I haven’t been any of the parties in this situation so no axe to grind.

She isn’t family now. She’s his affair partner so disqualified to him as someone he can just bring into the family.

The mistress/wife should step down, say she will not attend but still encourage your DD to go alone, purely out of respect and not to cause any more unnecessary hurt and awkwardness.
I cant imagine she'll get the greatest welcome from your DMs side of the family anyway so frankly I can't understand why she'd want to go in the first place.

He is putting his wife above you by giving that ultimatum. I would extend the invite to him only and if he doesn't go, cut him off. If she is not a nice woman and horrible to your mum then I can totally see why you want no relationship her and don't want her at your wedding. This is your dad's chance to prove what type of father he is. I would manage your expectations and be prepared to enjoy your day without him there.

I would always go to my child's wedding if they wanted me there. No matter who else was invited.

I'm an adult and perfectly capable of avoiding someone or just politely saying hello then not acknowledging them again. Especially on such an important day for the person I love the most.

Invite all the people you would like to attend your wedding. Offer a +1 to your dad if it is important to you that he is there but you don't want to name his affair partner. Explain to your mum that your actions intend no disrespect to her and you are still disgusted by your dad's behaviour. Be aware, though, that you may make these compromises and your dad will still try to force others - wanting his wife seated at the top table, wanting additional members of 'their family' invited, wanting her in family photos etc.

In your place I would tell your father she is NOT invited and you will accept that he doesn't attend.

He's no loss at your wedding.
He sounds awful.
Start as you mean to go.

Nope, just read all your updates. Shes actively nasty to your mum & not a nice person. You deserve to enjoy your day without worrying about the stress your mums going through.
Invite your dad only, if he refuses to come thats his issue.
I hope you have a lovely day.

It's your wedding.

Say you want to invite your mum and dad and not have drama at it. You are refusing to pick sides but want your mum and dad and no drama.

That's it.

You do not have a relationship with this woman. It's up to your dad to pick between his wife and daughter on her wedding day.

You are not picking anyone over anyone else because you are being fair to both your parents and inviting who you want to your wedding.

Frame it as such and leave the ball in his court.

If he wants to pick his wife over you on your wedding day, let him get the fuck on with it.

since you have experience to indicate this woman won’t behave well if she is at the wedding, this is simple. She should not be invited.

Your father should still attend.

It will hurt if he doesn’t choose properly, but poor parents often make a series of bad decisions. If he declines, I’m guessing this will be just one of many times he has disappointed you as a parent.

None of them will be your fault.

Gosh this is difficult, I was invited to my ( then ex) sis in law wedding as we had maintained a friendship after I divorced her brother. I knew my ex ( her brother) would be there with the woman he cheated on me and was now married to but I decided to hold my head high and go for her sake.

Did I feel hurt? Actually no I didn’t but it was some years later and, in all honesty, I had no feelings left for him.

Thankfully we were seated some distance apart and I have to say his wife looks genuinely uncomfortable to be there all day.

i, personally, had a bloody good time.

How does your mother feel? Does she want neither of them there? Can she suck it up for the sake of her child? ( something so many divorced parents have to do)

Are your replies also a.i. ?

Well clearly she’s not your family.

let your dad do as he pleases. Send him an invite just for him and he can make his own decisions.

if he doesn’t come, then you really do know what sort of man he is. I’d be cutting contact with him too.

Honestly, if you’re only “civil with your dad because he's your dad”, then tell him she’s not invited and that if that means he won’t come that’s fine. I spent way, way too much time and energy pandering to my nice but utterly narcissistic father because I felt I should, to the detriment of both myself and others. These men get away with it because they are entitled and make the most fuss so everyone gives them what they want. It’s absolutely ok to prioritise yourself on your wedding day.

Agreed, don’t be that person. My wedding was a nightmare 20 years ago because of a similar situation and my parents acting like children. Advice would be to go with what they want. It’s one day, and a big one for your child. They’ll remember how you conduct yourself on one of the biggest days of their life for ever. It’s their day not yours.

Sometimes you cannot win in these situations, it's sad when both parents can't put you 1st for one day.

My dad married his affair partner (who had been my mum's best friend), the ripples continue to bounce around 30 years later.

As with the OP, my sister wanted our dad to come to her wedding on his own, but he refused to come without his new wife. This hung over the whole day, my mum was upset and distressed all day and my dad and his new wife then snuck off early before the meal as they felt they'd been made to feel unwelcome.

My sisters subsequent graduation, was spoilt as this time my dad didn't bring his wife, but was evidently annoyed as he wasn't on good form at all throughout the day (understatement).

Ten years later I graduated, but didn't attend or celebrate at all to avoid a repeat performance.

Another 10 years on I get married, but my mum doesn't come to any part of the day, as she is too traumatised to see my dad and his wife again (literally still traumatised, she's never got over it at all).

My advice - just invite your mum and your dad. Your dad & his wife will get over it, if he doesn't come then it's his loss and he'll go on to regret it.

Whilst it was not an affair, I did not invite my father’s girlfriend to my wedding. She is a nasty person and we didn’t want her anywhere near our big day. He hasn’t spoken to me since and hasn’t acknowledged his grandchildren that have arrived since. He put his cards on the table and I moved on.

By not inviting her, you do run the risk of losing your relationship with him if you don’t invite her, but that is his choice. Speak to your mum and ask her for her honesty and have a real conversation about it. How would you feel if he ended contact with you?

it’s not a nice place to be, whilst I was over it, my grandparents and a few members of my family were clearly upset at his not being there, but for me it was worth it not to have the drama!

When we were in 2 minds about not inviting her, we thought that if we did, we would eschew the traditional ‘top table’ and sit with our best man, and wedding party etc, and then sit our parents separately with people we knew would enjoy being together. This way, if she is invited, nobody gets the top table argument and hopefully your vibe can be protected!

I'd tell my dad he is welcome to attend but his wife is not invited. There wouldn't be any further discussion.

Shes not your family and your father is a knob to flaunt the woman who caused your mother such pain, not once but numerous times. If he chooses her over you so be it. As a grown up your stepmother should encourage your father to walk you down the aisle but they both sound like a couple of narcissistic arseholes. I wouldnt want my mother upset and disrespected on HER daughters wedding day.

Shocking the number of fathers who are willing to cut their adult DC out of their lives for a new partner. Really shocking.

Why do these women want to go? Your Mother's "best" friend its just disgusting. Anyone with any decency at all would stay home and send there absulute prize of a husband on his own. Just hateful and hurtful. My 2nd marriage I didn't ever go to my DH family events if his ex wanted to go. Just sent him on his own.His family had known her for 20 years and they had 2 children together. Why should she suddenly be left out. It helped that his family were incredibly boring, stupid and common.

His acceptance is still about him and his current family, and impacts them. There's no getting around that, he should stick to his guns and OP theirs honestly. The difference is that the disrespect is a complete fantasy from the mum, but real to the dads wife.