AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Oh god I had this too. It was so hard.
The only acceptable option for my DM was for the step mother not to come. Also everyone thought I was overreacting and being oversensitive about the situation.
After the wedding and some very awkward moments people (including my husband) finally got where I was coming from.
It's absolutely awful and you have my sympathy.
If you'd been the parent I'd say pull yourself together and don't make it about you, as others have said. But since it's your parents, I am just sending a lot of sympathy instead!

Your wedding, your choice, if your Mums feelings are more important than having your Dad there, don’t have him there.

Someone badmouthing and being nasty about op's mother. Nothing to do morality and more about decency and respect.

Stressful for all. But he’s married to her now. Unfortunately it’s a ‘suck it up’ for your mum. She needs to just let it go, be there for you. Your dad &
his wife will be uncomfortable anyway. The best your mum can do is arrive looking amazing and be happy & friendly. You shouldn’t be needing to worry about this.

Nope, your poor mum has been through enough with what your dad did. Invite him he is your dad but you don't have to invite her.

Your mum deserves to not feel happy and comfortable especially like you say this horrible women is very disrespectful to her and basically a bitch.

I would lay it out to your dad that you aren't inviting her because of how she speaks about your mum and its not fair to uour mum her being there. That you of course would love him to be there but that its his discision if he chooses not to.

He's threatening not to come as a form of emotional blackmail, he expects you to bend to his will, he reeks of someone used to getting his own way.

Thats on him then. Invite who you want your mum and him.

that is such an awful dilemma your dad is putting you through.
I understand that you prioritise you mum

You sound like an amazing daughter and very thoughtful person and I hope you have the most amazing wedding day.

So the OP is the DC? According to her. If it was my (cheating) dad who insisted his former mistress, now wife be invited too…I’d consider whether I want the woman (now your step mum) there yourself. Which would upset you/your wedding most? Your dad’s absence, or her presence? Because sadly, if this is a ‘choose between your mum’s or your dad’s happiness’ situation, you’re on a hiding to nothing. Which would make YOU happier? My inclination…if he’s laying down an ultimatum that makes you unhappy, maybe he doesn’t deserve to come at all? He’s already (historically) chosen her above the happiness of his family, and he’s acting true to type

She isn’t mistress now?? Grim as anything but you have to suck it up

Invite her. She'll have a miserable time.

Or she’ll put a sour note over the whole event

OP clearly doesn’t like her so why invite her to her wedding

I’d make it clear to your Dad that she is NOT invited. Affairs (unfortunately) happen. And sometimes, that divorce/second marriage does turn out to be the best for everyone, but this woman sounds nasty, vindictive and bitter. I wouldn’t want her there and I certainly wouldn’t want her to make the day shit for my Mum. She is not your family, she is your Dad’s wife.

To be fair if he had multiple affairs with the same woman and ended up marrying her and they’re still together, it sounds like it’s worked out for them and might have ultimately been the best outcome for everybody even if it was a painful process. I’m remarking on this for a reason OP, which I hope may help you as I go on.

Re your dilemma - if it’s your wedding you are entitled to prevent her from coming but
a) Would banning her cause massive and unnecessary upset/drama in the family?
b) Are you only worried because your mum might get upset (and could be unfairly burdening you as her nuptialling DC)
c) It sounds like OW has gone way beyond mistress now, and she’s likely to be around for a long time.

That last point is why I said what I did - perhaps it’s now time to heal from the past, and try to get away from regarding her as a mistress because she’s clearly important to your dad and has become a permanent fixture. Otherwise you’re going to have this crop up all the time. I wish you peace and healing OP whatever you decide, I’m just giving you the perspective of a total stranger just as we all are on here 💖 It’s your wedding - you do have the choice, regardless.

That’s not very nice OP. I wouldn’t invite her for that reason. I think you have the perfect reason to ban her now! She’d be no different to abusive friend.

I think it’s very strange to not go to your child’s wedding over something that happened some time ago. My children’s father was incredibly abusive to me in every way possible. He cheated on me countless times and left me (thank god) for one of his affairs. I just attended my daughter’s graduation with him there and the woman he left me for. The day wasn’t about us it was about our daughter. Your mum needs to get over it as do you. Shit happens.

It’s only parents typically at the top table - usually second wives/ partners are put on a different table.

If they are not well liked… they are given a seat on a children’s table at the back of the room.

Still technically invited, but located away from family and the location usually appeases first wives, because it’s the worst location!

I've not been to a wedding with a top table since about 1998 😄

Don't invite her, you don't like her, it would upset your mum. If your dad chooses not to come it's on him. To be honest I don't think I'd be still speaking to my dad if he had multiple affairs behind my mums back. I'd think he was a dick.

I completely agree. Bearing in mind that conducting an affair means putting your entire family second, not just the person you are married to, to see the affair partner. He’s got a cheek. Not his wedding. His overriding commitment should be the pride in giving his daughter away. Sorry, he sounds a selfish git.

I was your Mum.
I have just sat at the top table at my son’s wedding with my ex husband and his wife, who was his affair partner.
It was what my son wanted and that was all that mattered to me.

Your dad needs to grow up and acknowledge that his past actions have caused this issue or is he still in denial. You have already said that she is nasty and you don't like her so it's your wedding and nothing/no one should create negativity on you and your partners day, so if there's a chance they may kick off then don't back down to his threats. If you feel like you have to bend a little for your father's demands then just invite her to the evening where her nasty comments can at least be drowned out by the disco. My cousin invited his father and mistress to his wedding and it did impact on the day unfortunately, but they at least had the common sense to keep a low profile and not try to cause drama.

Tell your dad you would like him there but if he chooses not to attend that is his decision. If he tries to guilt or gaslight you take it a step further - tell him the day is about love and making a commitment to the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Bringing the woman who he cheated on his wife with goes against the whole ethos of the day. The day is about you and your fiance not his affair partner

Delete the thread and start again 🤦‍♂️🤦🏼‍♀️

It would be insulting to both your father and his wife, get a grip OP.

Well my dad's mistress (now partner) was at my siblings weddings. How could she not be. I think I would have to get over it and be there for my children.

I feel so sad that this is affecting your decisions on your wedding day. It's your special day and it should be all about you and your hubby to be!

If your parents divorced some years ago then I think I would expect your Mum to deal with it. Your Dad is married to this women now so its understandable he would want her with him on this occasion. You could however explain to your Mum how hard it is for you to be in this position; she needs to understand it from your point of view and how torn it has made you feel!
If you haven't already, maybe you could invite her to bring a friend with her for the wedding so she doesn't feel so alone.

I hope you have an amazing day, big hugs x