AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

It's your wedding, you should invite who you want there based on their contributions to your life so far and who you see being a part of your future life.

You dont like this woman. I think you are possibly hiding behind the reason that your mum doesn't want her there, rather than outright tell your dad you dont want her there based on your own feelings about her?

I dont think you are under any obligation to invite her on the grounds she's "family" or anything. You may want to consider a compromise if you're very keen to have your dad there (e.g. could you invite her to the evening do?) But personally I'd rather hold my ground and refuse full stop. He is your dad first and foremost, and if he's worth his salt he should put his relationship with you before his wife. And I don't say that because she is somehow lesser, I say that because he should respect that his relationship with her has caused you upset and she should also be mindful of this; you dont need further upset, especially on your wedding day.

It would appear the woman is vile. Your Dad can’t be much better if he treated your Mum like that and allows her to get away with her comments.

It’s an easy decision: put your Mum first and ban the woman. If your Dad wants to attend, he comes alone. He’s already putting her first ahead of you by refusing to go without her so you know where his priorities lie.

Prioritise your mum.
Dad has a choice to make.

My mum passed away and my dad quickly got into a relationship with an old friend of theirs. Anyway, I didn't want her at the wedding (they were living together at this point). My dad agreed not to bring her. Three months before I was getting married, they decided they were gtg married. He then came back with, "if my wife can't come to the wedding, I won't be there." I chose not to have them both at the wedding.
38 years later, I have no regrets.
On reflection, it was more on my dad and his behaviour than anyone else.

No one can make this decision for you. What is your mum's take on it?

On reflection, I was still grieving and I felt it very disloyal to my mum's memory.

My niece recently got married. Her parents do not speak to one another. They didn't have a traditional top table. They had all the females at one side and males at the other, bride and groom still in the middle.

I hope your day goes fantastically well and you both have a very happy life together.

I wouldn't invite her. You don't want her there. She isn't a random wife, partner, or plus 1. She's the woman who your dad cheated with, who ruined your parents' marridge and destroyed your family. Obviously, your dad needs to take responsibility for that, but ultimately, he is your family, and she is just the woman he chose to blow up his family for.

Id invite him and be clear that she isn't invited. You are inviting him and your mum. Your parents. Hou expect them to be civil for 1 day. If he feels he doesn't want to attend, then that's on him. She may well be his family, but she's not your family. He's making a choice to put his and her feelings above yours. If he chooses not to come, maybe ask your mum to walk you down the aisle or walk yourself. Id also go VLC if he makes that choice.

I had this exact situation. It was about 10 year later, though. I chose to have them all there, mum and new partner, dad and wife, it was slightly awkward but fine. Now my dad and his second wife have been together longer than my mum and dad were together. I think once they are divorced and it's a few years later, it's better to move on. If it's very recent, not so much.

My dad 'wrecked' our family, but this also freed my mum to find someone better and his second wife got stuck with him. She was the ultimate winner and both are better out of the marriage.

If you are not interested in a relationship with your dad’s mistress and you know that it would also hurt your mom then no, I wouldn’t invite her.
Your dad already failed you once, by breaking the marriage with your mom, if he chooses to fail you again by not coming that’s on him.
Is your wedding and you should be surrounded by people who you love and who truly love you!
Do what your heart and your gut is telling to do.

She's not his mistress at this point, but his spouse. Couples should be invited together. So yes, YABU in my opinion.

For me, it would depend if either you or you mum would be upset about her being there. If yes, she is

@Zoobaloo
I'd personally feel totally disrespected
But I'd go to that wedding looking the absolute best I could whilst holding my hatted head up high
Because its not about me; its about it being my child's Special Day
And nothing is going to spoil it!

I would tell him that him not attending his daughter's wedding is his choice to make, and that his attempt at emotional blackmail has just crystallised that I don't want his new wife there.

I tend to react badly to arm-twisting.

Let DD not attend then. He’s the one that had the affair, he doesn’t get to dictate who you invite to your special day. Don’t invite the mistress if you don’t want to upset ur mum. Your dad sounds horrible I wouldn’t want him to come anyway!

When my DS married, he invited both parents and made it clear that partners were not welcome for exactly the situation you describe. Both parents were told to behave and stay out of each others way. It worked and my DS got both parents at her wedding.

Your dad is the one out of line here. He knows bringing his new wife will cause drama and is refusing to come without her. He's being a jerk.

I would politely invite him, and say sorry your wife can't come because mum will be there and I don't want any drama at my wedding, I'm sure you understand. (End of conversation.)

If he chooses to act like a child and have a tantrum, it's probably better that he's not there anyway.

He clearly isn't prepared to put his own child first on her big day and that is frankly disgusting.

Is the new wife reasonable? Could you or one of your close friends or hubby to be speak to her privately about it or is she going to be a nasty drama queen about it too?

At the end of the day, it's your wedding and your decision. I'm sorry this is extra stress for you! Whatever you decide, make sure your friends, bridesmaids and ushers are briefed, so they can deal with any nonsense swiftly! Hire security if that's what it takes to have a peaceful wedding!

it boils down to who you like more. Your mum or your dad?

Since it’s your dad threatening not to come, call his bluff. Say either he comes alone, and if he won’t, he’s not welcome. If he says no, you have your answer. Why would you terrorise your mum by having his mistress there on your special day. You mum birthed you and raised you.

it’s like you are okay with someone who is not related to you and damaged you (mistress) is more important than your mum.

That’s the right decision. Tell your dad, slagface can’t come to your wedding, if he says no, tell him he can FO then.

it’s about time your dad faces up to the consequences of his sleeping around and having fun.

I think the title confused a lot of people. It certainly confused me and as a result my vote woukd have been different.

So on paper, I’d say that her being there isn’t an issue.
The divorce was years ago. I assume that they have no contact now.

HOWEVER, you dint like the woman at all.
Youre civil to your dad becayse he is your dad but dint seem to be particularly close to him. I get the feeling him being there is more of a duty thing rather than a ‘I really want him there’ (please correct me if I’m wrong)
On the top of it, your dad is using your wedding to make his relationship with the OW more acceptable (maybe there was more backlash than he expected and people are still cold).
Seeing all of that, I dint think I’d invite her. But that would not be because of your mum and how she feels about it iyswim

Your dad doesn't get to give ultimatums. If YOU dont want her at YOUR wedding than you dont invite her. If he is willing to miss your childs wedding than he is a dead beat

My Dad also had numerous affairs and eventually left my mum. When I got married he wanted her there but my mum said she wouldn’t sit down for dinner with her there so I said no to my dad. He wasn’t happy but his friend reminded him that I was his daughter and was in his life longer than his partner so she didn’t come. My dad never mentioned it again but she did! I also didn’t like her but tolerated her for my dad.

Is there anyone that could speak to your Dad on your behalf to explain it’s one day and not his day?

Do you have any sort of relationship with your dad's new wife (ex mistress) ? Also what is your relationship with your dad like ? If it's pretty negative on both accounts then don't invite her and don't let your dad dictate what happens at your wedding.

I’m very much team mum here. Don’t invite the new wife. You don’t want a relationship with her and I don’t blame you. You love your mum and you don’t even like the new wife, so it’s a no brainer.

The best truthful comment

He put your Mum through hell by having multiple affairs with the same woman and now wants to parade her at your special event, fuck no! He can come if he wants but he doesn't get to manipulate you. I certainly couldn't do it especially knowing that my Mum is still hurt by his infidelities.

I would imagine that if he was unfaithful multiple times, he was forgiven most of them for his disrespect towards your mother. To invite her, knowing that it would upset your mother, would be another version of the same: he gets to put his needs first and everyone else’s second. I would not invite her and explain that the history behind how they got together is still upsetting you and your mother. He can then chose what to do.

It’s very simple op. Then he doesn’t come. Don’t put your mum through that. She deserves to have the day peaceful and with her daughter. It would be a mockery to a wedding to bring his affair partner there.