AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

It really is much more the norm for young adults to see their family around once a month. The family is not being pulled apart, it's moving into a more normal way of living.

You really need to make the effort to join your husband on his weekend activities. It's worrying that you would rather be with his parents than with him.

I agree with this.

Once a month to visit family is fine. Its healthy to branch out socially, away from family a bit. His mum needs to be very careful in the way she is acting and the language she is using, or she will push him away completely

Maybe, at the moment, you should reduce your visits to his family. Sounds like you and his mum together are inflaming the situation, both upset that he isn't there every week and encouraging and validating negatively about his new social life.

I agree with this.

Once a month to visit family is fine. Its healthy to branch out socially, away from family a bit. His mum needs to be very careful in the way she is acting and the language she is using, or she will push him away completely

Maybe, at the moment, you should reduce your visits to his family. Sounds like you and his mum together are inflaming the situation, both upset that he isn't there every week and encouraging and validating negatively about his new social life.

I am sorry but what you are describing sounds claustrophobic in the extreme to me Obviously your DH is more suited to this dort of life as you say you were happy . However he is findother things he likes to do. Maybe he wasn't "quite" as happy as you were with your previous life

How much do you love him, rather than loving the life you had together. Surely you want your DH to be happy and are willing to compromise a bit

You have not been married long. Marriage really is a marathon and this sort of thing is exactly why people say it is not easy and needs work. People and situations change and a strong marriage needs to be able to accommodate that

Alternatively you can decide you dont want to compromise on this at all and prefer to look for a partner who will not change over tome . Good luck with that

That's not life, OP.

You sound like you have some quite severe mental health issues that you should probably explore with a therapist.

You REALLY need to dial the drama down here. Infidelity, lies, favouritism - these are the things that tear families apart. Not going for tea and scones every week is not tearing the family apart. But your over-dramatic approach, and your mother-in-law feeding into it, could do it.

Your husband's only crime here is to want a more varied social life. You don't necessarily have to be part of it - although I think it would do you good to at least try to vary your horizons a bit. But declaring it's the end of your life as you know it and your MIL weeping about "losing her son" because he hasn't been for tea in a couple of weeks is only going to drive him away.

Think about it like this. If your in-laws are happy to have everyone around for afternoon tea every week, why does it matter if your husband doesn't go every time? Surely if it's a weekly thing, they're available regularly - which means it's no big deal if he sometimes doesn't go because of something that's happening on a specific date? If he starts missing family birthdays or milestones to go to Korean restaurants with his friends, then yes, maybe it's a sign of something bigger. But maybe he's just realised that just because you typically do the same thing every week, it doesn't mean you have to?

I remember going on a boat trip once (honestly there’s a point to my story I promise!😬) it was on quite choppy water and the captain said if you allow your body to sway with the movement of the waves rather than fight to stay still you’re less likely to suffer seasickness! And I find that a good analogy in life too if you try and move with the ebb and flow of life. I’m sociable with people I know and hate events where I don’t know anyone. DH’s company had a social thing last year which he really wanted me to go to as we were newly married and he wanted to introduce me to people. I said I’d go but explained to DH that I probably wouldn’t stay long as I’d had a long commute to get to it. He introduced me to people and as I figured he got caught up in chatting work and I felt rather left out. However I got chatting to the most interesting couple and ended up stopping much longer than I anticipated!
So I suppose my point is give the new things a go but give yourself a get out clause that if you’re really not enjoying it then can leave.

Thank you! There is always so much mischaracterisation of introverts here and elsewhere! We don’t all dislike company or other people - we just need more time alone to recharge than extroverts do.

It doesn’t mean we’re misanthropes and it’s not a synonym for being shy or socially awkward either (although I do happen to be both). It’s also NORMAL - up to half of the population have some introvert traits.

As an introvert myself, I can think of nothing worse than spending all afternoon sitting in someone else’s house surrounded by family coming in and out and having to interact with them! I’d much rather be in a nice cafe reading or people-watching or out hill-walking, Having that expectation of having to visit someone every week is the last thing I’d want - it sounds exhausting!

So I don’t think being an introvert or a “homebody” is your issue OP - it seems to me that there’s something else going on which you maybe need to explore. And it’s great that you get on with your in-laws but you sound overly-enmeshed and dependent on your MIL.

Speaking of which, her behaviour is dreadful - please don’t join in with it as your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. Regular parents are happy to see their children broadening their horizons. Maybe see if you can be a voice of reason as her behaviour is going to push him away.

I think people misunderstand the word, I see it used a lot on here erroneously. And it’s normally used instead of socially anxious or anti social.

what the op describes is not introversion.

Are you ND? I have anxiety. Large crowds and small talk are difficult for me. I have been known to stay home for long periods due to panic attacks. But, it does me good to get out where I can. And I keep going otherwise I would regress into a hermit again. Are you similar? WFH so you don't have to leave the house? It sounds like keeping everything small suits you as anything else is scary. You can overcome this and expand your world, little by little. Truthfully, it sounds a bit unhealthy. Have you had therapy?

How many times have you met his friends? I would say it takes more than a few meetings to become part of a group. Keep trying and you might enjoy it. Maybe it can be offset by your husband staying home more of a weekend, so a compromise and finding the right balance?

Its so irritating it makes me want to tear my hair out.

Once again for the people at the back: introvert is not a misanthrope or someone who is grumpy or hates being around other people. Its someone who gets drained in social situations and needs alone time to recharge.

Can we have a pinned post somewhere saying: “You are not an introvert, you’re just socially awkward and isolated.”

Amen to this. It's so annoying and I say that as a massive introvert who needs a LOT of alone time, lol.

However I also generally like the company of people, love exploring and visiting new places and would rather stick pins in my eyes than spend my life eating scones with my mother-in-law every Saturday

Exactly! OP’s Saturdays sound like my worse nightmare! 😂 Once in a while would be fine but to be expected to do that every week? Exhausting!

@newlifeoldme- the golf sounds a good step for you! So it’s the cousins new girlfriend and another couple you’ve not met before, this is great step!

As others have said, he wants to take you with him into his new world. He wants to go to cafes and restaurants with you. He still wants your company, just fancies trying doing that in a new place now and then.

Give it ago, marriages often require compromise. It might be you can’t stand trying new places/being out of routine and he can’t face going back into your old way of life, at which point you might have to face that you aren’t compatible and go your separate ways. But try.

It’s become a kind of lifestyle brand more than a meaningful characteristic on here: a way for socially inept people to make themselves sound edgy.

Or a way for them to justify their behaviour. "Oh, I can't help myself, I'm an introvert".

Yep. Its the ultimate get out of jail free for self indulgent behaviour triggered by people failing to deal with anxiety and making it other people’s problem. Its my absolute pet hate.

Oh gosh 100% - like get us, we are so much deeper and more complex than these boring, loud extroverts.

It’s so tiresome! I got told on here during lockdown that I couldn’t possibly be an introvert as I missed having colleagues to chat to while I was WFH.

I don't know; " a rolling stone gathers no moss"? To put it simply, your DH was fine with your previous life-style, that is, until he joined the 'real' world and saw, as others could now see, what he was missing out on.

He isn't the stick in the mud, after all.

He's asked you to join him each time, which is a very positive that he wants to share this new life style with you OP.

What if he said he wanted to go on his own and leave you to keep your in-laws company?
Now that wouldn't be good at all.

Why don't you put on your glad rags and go with him to dine out or a smaller event? It would please him, show him you are willing to go with him, and who knows; you may even enjoy it?

He wants you by his side, he wants you to enjoy with him, don't push him away. In time, he may tire of the novelty of trying new things to keep up with co workers, but you also might learn to enjoy time away from home.

For me, that would be stifling, not perfect. Perhaps your husband also found it a bit constraining sometimes? You'll need to find a way to compromise.

Perfect for YOU. If it was perfect for him too, then it's unlikely much would have changed and, if anything, he might have wanted that more after 4 days in the office.
The simple truth is he's discovered there is more to explore for him - it sounds like you need to sit and talk it through, to see if there's a compromise that suits you both.

Thanks to previous comments on this thread, I now realise I’m a grumpy misanthrope, not an introvert (possibly as well as an introvert?).

I don’t think you’re wrong, @newlifeoldme , I’m with you. But it seems your partner no longer is. That’s a shame. I feel for you. You’re going to have to accept that your partner wants a different life now. But I don’t see why you should be made to compromise if you don’t want to. Good luck. I hope you can sort it out.

I can see why you would feel left behind, and that it would be difficult that what felt like an established set up has now changed - but it sounds like this is a significant improvement in wellbeing for him, he has tried to include you in it and it's you that doesn't want that/isn't able to meet him there.

It doesn't really matter what his mother thinks of this, the pair of you agreeing doesn't lend weight to it or mean he should change his behaviour, he isn't doing anything wrong. People do grow apart unfortunately or change as a result of life circumstances and that can be difficult to come to terms with. You need to try to set aside the resentment you feel, accept that this is the new normal and understand whether or not you want to live alongside it or not - trying to push him back in a box isn't the answer here and won't work either.

I realise that these things aren't your cup of tea OP and there's nothing wrong with that either but I would give them a go before writing them off, or at the very least have conversations with him about how a social scenario could be made something that was comfortable for you. As others have pointed out if there is no wriggle room at all then it's hard to see how the relationship could be sustained over long years, even if you both love each other. No doubt it feels unfair but people are allowed to change.

Clearly ‘we’ weren’t happy. ‘You’ were happy, and he went along with what you wanted. Now he’s realising that there’s more to life.

So he's not experienced 'normal' working out of the home before and realised he actually enjoys being in the world outside your previous little bubble.

The norm has been this for most of us, especially when young, it's real interaction and experiences you can never have from behind a screen.

Yes he has changed, he's discovered there is more to life than such a tiny, limited circle with the same unadventurous routines. Give it a go, you may find you will come to enjoy meeting new people, new fun activities etc.