AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

What did weekends look like when his parents are away? Or busy?

what do they look like when there are no parents left for you both?

Definitely, getting out of your comfort zone makes you more confident and worldly wise. I read too many time people are scared about things that are so irrational because we are all human.

A good motto for me has been 'be anxious but do it anyway".

It sounds like he has done it to keep you happy for years op and now finally doing things he likes too.
You seem very stuck in your ways and unwilling to even try just one new thing with him.

it all sounds rather suffocating and you may lose DP if you all keep fighting against him wanting some freedom. Adapt and try to live with him so that you don’t stay behind if you want to keep your relationship.

Would you have more energy for socialising with him if you spent less time with his parents? Imagine if you spent Saturday alone at home.

I don't think that's a complete answer, but it's something that might help a bit.

He may be about to 'crash' if he's been working hard in this new job requiring a commute and doing lots of extra socialising.

It's worth maintaining your local and online connections. Also worth scheduling 'date nights' so you're both spending time together.

It may also be the case that this is a summer thing that will fall away by October with the shorter days / cooler weather.

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it? Dh has changed because he's seen a whole other world now that he's working in the office with colleagues, I think he likes what he's found. Try it yourself before admitting it's not for you and that Dh and you are no longer compatible

Perfect for you maybe, Dh wants more, can't say I blame him

Yeah, possibly a window into their arguments? Her saying - you are destroying our family. Him saying - i am going to a Korean restaurant with friends. How is that destroying my family?!?!

OP, have you tried to have a conversation with him that doesn't involve an argument? If this is impossible I suggest you try marriage counselling, as your relationship will be on the rocks very soon if it isn't already.

Have you also tried asking him to try something new just the two of you? A day trip somewhere not too busy, a new restaurant? So no friends and not too many crowds - but you're doing something new together?

It happens. People change, doesn’t mean he’s in the wrong. I’m currently going through a really rough patch (honestly can’t see a way forward) with my partner of 10 years for similar reasons. He really wanted kids 5 years ago. We had twins. Now he wants a really active social life and I’m stuck at home alone. He’s changed I’ve not. Only thing he did wrong was convince me to have a child then want tons of freedom. You’re not in that situation though so you need to think, do you wanna broaden your horizons and try going out more or do you wanna call it a day?

You mentioned a guild so I'm going to guess it's possibly Warcraft? My DP plays and I've noticed how very different our lives are since Warcraft joined us. If your DP wants a life outside of that, good for him. If he's realised that there's more to life than the intense time suck of online gaming, and wants to hang out with people and make friends and try new things, that's great.

It's unfortunate that you've grown apart from a previous common shared interest, and you will both have to work out how that's going to affect your relationship going forward, you can't change people, only the way you respond to them.

"We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!" "Previously on Sat morning we would be getting ready to go to one of our family's, usually his parents. His mum would be there with our favourite teas and scones or cake. Sometimes his cousins would visit. Sometimes his nephew would come along with them. It was perfect."

Agreed on seeing the parents more! You were really looking forward to it too, so that definitely matters.

There is more to Life than a computer screen. Get out there and Live, meet real people, speak to everyone in Real Life. He has found the Big Wide World more interesting and you will lose him and be stuck with just his close family on your own. Do not try and drag him down as it will destroy your lives together.

Is this the life you want? Life getting smaller and smaller as the years go on. You will be left behind in your own tiny world on your own.

Not RTFT, but as PPs say, how old are you OP? Have you needed to always stay at home?

Have you never lived away properly apart from with him? Never had a different group to socialise with, gone to college or university? Besides your home and your parents, there is much more in the world to explore.

Being insular can be limiting and not great for the future, especially if you had to suddenly become more sociable or outgoing to help with family, your job etc.

Try being adventurous, OP. Go on. It might be fun!

What's the worst thing that could happen? 😉

Op I think you should find some social experiences for yourself. It is scarier when the other person is deciding. Have some things that you pick.

It all sounds horribly claustrophobic and unhealthy. Your dh sounds like the healthiest out of you all. Why not at least go out for the day with just him and explore new cafes and areas. The more you isolate yourself the harder it is to live a more rounded life. His mum needs her head wobbling (a hated MN phrase but very justified here), she sounds very manipulative and it’s not at all a normal attitude towards an adult married son.

Good for him finding his wings and enjoying a bit of the world, join him if you love him!!

As others have said too, you need to at least try. I mean, limiting your life to just your parents and in-laws really isn't that exciting, or great.

Don't you want to see other things in the world? Have curiosity? See if you find something new you enjoy? Find out about different places, foods, even cultures?

It's good for the mind, brain, soul, stops it from atrophying and wilting from ennui and boredom.

Think of how children thrive when given new experiences, balanced with down time.

Life is to be lived. Live it.

Not to cause upset but is anyone else reading this thinking it sounds like suffocating!? It’s making me feel uncomfortable just reading it.

The op seemingly hasn’t taken onboard anything that’s been said. Instead she seems almost happy that her dp’s mother called to berate him.

Op he clearly does not want the life you are trying to force him into. I could see this becoming emotionally abusive very quickly. A husband that desperately wants to do normal things like leave the house and a wife who gets argumentative about the thought of him leaving the same four walls. I hope he’s headstrong and can’t be swayed because I fear you will be a nightmare the more independence he gets.

"We all used to be so so close. Never really spent more than a week without seeing each other. Now the family's basically being pulled apart."

Genty, this isn't a family being pulled apart; this is normal adult development.

Are you simply introverted and homely or do you feel some anxiety around novel social situations and new people or crowds? Even for an introvert this sounds extreme, as normally they have friends outside the family they just don't tend to constantly be around people or for super long. Maybe you have social anxiety or low confidence that you could get some help with? If not, apologies for the assumptions! If anxiety isn't the issue you could try and meet him half way with stuff and share his excitement a bit perhaps.

Plus, generally humans are sociable and thrive more with good friends and connections. We're a tribal species so need the societies and communities to be our best.

Being alone is difficult but not always bad. But being lonely has been proven to be terrible for mental and physical health, so your DH is doing well if he's getting out there more. Perhaps his previous insular lifestyle was quite lonely for him too?

Agree. Suffocating and claustrophobic. The idea that a grown man is causing his mother upset because he has friends and a life is so ridiculous I feel like it must be a borrowed scene from that old sit com Sorry! OP is selling herself short choosing to live in such a tiny world as if she were 100 yrs old.

OP, if his mum said this she's a controlling parent. She should be proud and pleased.

I understand that it's different for you - you signed up for one kind of relationship that works with your ND/autism - but his mum is controlling and pretty awful. It's hard for ND people sometimes to step back and see the bigger picture but this is honestly what it is. Don't take her position as 'the norm' - it's definitely not. You'll be much better factoring her out of your negotiations with your OH about your future relationship - and if you use her 'woe is me' as a lever in that, it will definitely be perceived as manipulative by your OH and he will just put you in the same file.

Bet his mum must have felt she’d lucked out when he married someone who wouldn’t challenge the home orbit status quo, the apron strings could stay very tight. Not a normal response from her at all,

I think it is important for OP to go out with his friends and work colleagues. It is also good to see his parents and family more than just once every two months. It sounds like the DH has gone from one extreme to the other, which is perfectly understandable given what he went through for so long.

I don't think he's actually done anything wrong, he's made a big change going from a work from home role into going out to work, of course he was going to meet new people. He's making friends and socialising, he isn't even excluding you either by your own words he invites you to join him but you don't want to go..which is fine but you can't expect him not to see his friends. Revolving his week around his mum a few times a week. If you're fine staying home and visiting family that's ok but you can't expect him to do the same, working out of the family home has probably made him realise he needed to get out more and he probably wants to share that with you too. Maybe compromise if you can and join him occasionally whilst also making time for family too