AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

I agree @SylvanMoon’s post was excellent OP

Seems as though he has been looking at life and not living it.
You need to. do the same.

Because if OP doesn't compromise, she might not like her husband's next decision. Digging her heels in and refusing to acknowledge that he isn't happy with tea and scones with the parents every week isn't going to change anything. And a very sensible start to that compromise would be to accept that wanting to try new things in life is not tantamount to "tearing the family apart".

This reminds me of this cartoon

If he's too busy to see his mum till September he's a fucking arse. Sorry, OP.

Sorry but it sounds like Groundhog week in your world, it might work for you but your DH is seeing there is more to life and there is more, much more. He is trying to include you and you are not wanting to. I would say this is not going to last much longer as you'll start to resent each other. At least try OP. You can't suffocate someone into a 'you' life. You've been married 4 years so around just out of covid times when the world almost stopped and most were still WFH. The world has woken up just! It's about time you did too, whether that be taking an invite here and there or to the fact you may not be married for too much longer

Yikes unless you embrace this new way of life and find a happy medium you may lose him - he’s found life is a bit more exciting than a scone with his cousins at his mum’s.
Tbh it is!!

@newlifeoldme I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel wobbly, but I do think you’re misunderstanding what’s actually happening.

You and your DH met in lockdown, online, during a time when everyone lived small, quiet, home‑based lives and that continued post lockdown with the WFH. For introverts especially, that bubble felt safe and predictable. It makes total sense that your relationship formed around that dynamic.

But lockdown‑life isn’t real life. It was a temporary version of the world, and you built your marriage inside it. Now your DH has stepped back into a more normal environment, colleagues, commuting, spontaneous lunches, after‑work chats, and it’s waking up parts of him that simply didn’t have space to exist before.
That isn’t him “changing.” It’s him catching up to the version of himself he would have been if lockdown hadn’t frozen everything.

And honestly, it sounds like he’s trying to bring you with him. He’s invited you along multiple times. He’s not excluding you, you’re declining.

If you always say no, he will start doing things without you. Not because he doesn’t love you, but because he’s allowed to have interests and friendships outside the house.

Your introversion is valid. Your comfort zone is valid. But a marriage can’t survive if one person evolves and the other stays exactly as they were in 2020. You don’t have to become an extrovert, nobody’s asking that, but you do need to meet him halfway.

Try one thing. One café. One meal. One day trip. Not because you love crowds, but because you love him.

Right now, you’re trying to pull him back into the lockdown bubble because that’s where you feel safe. But he’s not rejecting you or his parents, he’s expanding his world. If you don’t walk a few steps with him, you risk ending up standing still while he moves forward.

You were happy before. You can still be happy now. But happiness in long‑term relationships requires a bit of flexibility on both sides.

He’s already shown his willingness to include you. You and his parents just need to show a little willingness to try.

If you have never been out with his friends, how do you know you wouldn’t enjoy their company, and a bit of variety in your social life?

why? she likes her life as it is.

I do wonder if this was her saying she wants to go out and he wants to stay home the answers would be different.

@newlifeoldme I appreciate its unsettling for you, but he loves you, he comes home to you and you want to share your life with him, but you need to share his life with him too.

You don't need to go out with him and his mates, but just you and him, just occasionally. I think it would make him even happier.

Its a bit of a mind shift for you but I believe it would be a healthy move for you too.

Go on, you know you love him!

Yep, it truly is awful. I wonder how much control his mum had over his life before he married OP.

Sounds like he’s been under the thumb for a while, which wfh hasn’t helped, and then he married someone who was happy to keep that bond with his mum going. How refreshing it must be for him to live a little.

What was he doing instead? What does he do at wknds? You said he’s pencilled them In in a months time - what are his plans? Has he delegated any time to you and your relationship? Has he expressed he’s unhappy with it?

His mother sounds overbearing - losing her son? Aren’t you married?! Was he living at home when you met him? How far away does his family live? Do you see yours in equal amounts?

I hate to say it but do you think he’s met someone else at work? Has he changed his physical appearance since starting his new job in any way or lifestyle habits?

Really? I suspect posters would be telling her to call Women's Aid if she said she wanted to do things with her friends but her husband wanted her to stay at home all the time and only go out to see her mother, with him present! It then takes on quite a sinister tone.

This.

This.

This.

And this.

I wonder if the parents ever leave home and visit people or do stuff outside their home @newlifeoldme ?

is it always others visiting them?

@PrettyPickle this is a really insightful post.

I see so many posts on here from people whose personalities were shaped by or radicalised by the COVID experience and who have grown to see near total social isolation as the norm. They fear and distrust people outside their own families.

I think this is behind this fetishisation of “introversion” (which isn’t actually introversion at all, its social anxiety).

People built lives and relationships on an incredibly small and limited scale out of necessity during the pandemic because they were being told to by the government and its medical advisers and a lot of people leaned too far into it and never came out.

We are still dealing with the after effects of it now in the large numbers of children who struggle with school and adults who are allergic to any social interaction outside of their own families.

It sounds like OP and her husband are classic examples of this and their marriage was shaped by this closeted and highly restrictive world which they normalised out of necessity. Now the husband has got a taste of what normal healthy social interaction is like he’s not going to turn the clock back.

Its actually quite sad that so many people have grown up to think this is what a normal young marriage looks like. The mother in law is old enough to know better though and should be ashamed of herself; she sounds suffocating and manipulative and took advantage of OP’s naivety and anxiety.

Sorry but it sounds boring as hell. Don’t you ever go out anywhere? Even to a restaurant, a museum, a gallery, a walk? What do you talk about?

The mother in law is an awful controlling woman.

I have young adult kids. They are out living their lives on weekends. Of course I miss them. But I have thrown myself into new creative activities and hobbies. Insisting on seeing your kids every weekend is not love.

I can understand why you’re upset that the life you enjoyed has changed. But a lot of people want to explore the world and try different things and meet new people. I know it might take some time to come round to this new version of life but I think you probably need to accept it and maybe try and go to some things with your DH or potentially risk losing him.

if you end up separating, where will you go on Saturdays? Still his parents?

please try and build a bit of a life of your own

I see my adult daughter about once every 8 or more weeks if that. She has her life, friends and career and that makes me so happy. I would be distraught if she came home every week.

Your life sounds suffocating limited and repressed.

Your DH has discovered the door with a confidence boost from his promotion and you either follow him out through it or loose him.