AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

People grow and develop over their lifetime. It sounds like DH is expanding his mind, exposure etc.You have a decision to make as to whether to be part of this with him or let him go. I can’t see the marriage lasting if you don’t get on board. You can’t make someone be the person you want, he may have been happy but guessing he wants more now.

Neither of you are wrong but maybe you are incompatible if the things you like are too different. But you might be both able to compromise and have different hobbies and social opportunities. It's normal to do things separately as well as together and to not see extended family for a while when lives are busy.

I mean this kindly OP but he's asked you to these evenings and days out so he's trying to include you
You're both young. If you don't meet him halfway then he'll move along without you and then you'll grow apart. Try some new experiences. Yes it's great that you get on with his family and are close but you need to compromise. Sometimes you have to try what your partner enjoys to make a relationship work. Plus it can get stale very quickly and you'll end up with little to talk about. Look at it as a new adventure.

I and my wife are very much in love after over 40 years, stay at home people but love our holidays visits to historic buildings meals out etc but do not live in each other pockets and my my wife and I enjoy short breaks away from each other from time to time with other people and no problems.
You are heading for an unpleasant surprise. Divorce ???

Excellent comment and very empathetic too.

Oh love, I can see why you're shaken up that everything has suddenly changed. It must feel strange and uncomfortable to you.

But his new lifestyle/workmates will only come between you if you let that happen. I know it must feel hard for you, but you must know deep inside that he has done nothing wrong. Well actually, it is abrupt of him to go from seeing his mum twice weekly to saying he'll leave it for a month. But other than that, you must know that it's normal to want to go out and see things and have friends outside of your family.

It sounds like he was happy with the quiet life before, but he is now enjoying being more sociable. So who knows - you might enjoy being more sociable too, if you give it a go.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert and wanting quiet time. But it's healthy to try mixing with others. It can be really beneficial - you can learn and be inspired by others!

Do you think you could try something small, eg a meet up with just one or two of his new workmates, at a place that you could tolerate (rather than a big group in a noisy place that you really don't like the sound of)? Be careful not to write-off everywhere as 'not your scene'. There must be something that you might like, maybe a museum or a gallery?

Good luck. It's nice that he wants to include you. Don't let this drive a wedge between you. x

Unexpected opportunities dropping out of nowhere can completely upend a persons life.

You sound old before your time if I'm being honest. Family is great but older family members won't be around forever. A group of lovely friends your own age is a great idea. Your DH may have been ok wfh but now he's realised there's a fun world out there & he wants to try out some new things with new people. You may also find if you step out of your comfort zone a little you would also enjoy some new friends & doing fun things x

This job has opened up his world for him and it might be a novelty, where he eventually calms down and goes back to being a home body or, more likely, it might be that this was the life he wanted all along and it was just that he didn’t have the opportunity or the friends or the confidence to get it so he settled for spending each weekend with his wife and family. He’s found a type of freedom for maybe the first time in his life and it doesn’t sound like he’ll want to be giving that up any time soon.

If you want to stay married then I strongly suggest that you force yourself to give these new things a go. It doesn’t have to be your sort of thing and you don’t have to click with his friends. You just need to be with him while he finds his place in his new world. And if that means putting a smile on your face while eating a plate of galbi and faking an interest in their lives, or hopping on a train to London to go to some new exhibit, then that’s what you need to do. Otherwise you need to think about whether whether you really want to be married to this sort of person, and if so, whether he’s going to want to stay married to someone who never wants to experience new things with him.

It sounds like you're upset because you liked your life before, and there's nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with DH wanting to broaden his horizons a little. Just take care to not try to clip his wings, it's unlikely to end well. Perhaps try joining him once in a while, you never know, you might like it. Good luck x

My in-laws were of the type "we don't need anybody but our own". They never had friends, any visitors, nor went to see other people. "Our own" that was us (DH, I and our children), husband being an only child just like both of his parents. That worked for them as long as they were more or less fit, but after that they expected us to visit more often than was possible for us. Not living in the same town and what with work, children, my family and yes a social life indeed, once a week was all we managed. They resented me strongly for that, but it was my husband's choice as much as it was mine!

Your relationship sounded very boring. Stuck at home and only socialising with family. No wonder he’s enjoying his new job, making new friends and going to new places. Maybe you can try and go to a few places with him?
I don’t like busy places either but there’s no way I could live in a little bubble at home and not have any kind of hobbies or experiences outside of the family.

Why isn't it valid to enjoy what the OP likes to do. I hate going out and socialising with other people, I don't have social anxiety or anything, I just don't play very well with people other than my immediate family.

Luckily for me my DH is exactly the same. Every time I've felt that external pressure to try a hobby or go out and do something with people, because it's "good" for me. I always come back more miserable than before I went.

The OP's DH has moved the goal posts of their relationship and the only way to move forward with that is compromise from both sides, she is going to have to venture out once or twice a month and he is going to have to commit to going to see family once or twice a month. Or it's separate lives.

Absolutely valid. But do you stop your dh from doing so if he wanted to?

I would never stop my DH doing anything, he's an adult, but I expect compromise in any relationship. Lucky for me he's more antisocial than I am, but he does have solitary hobbies that he likes to spend hours doing. Which is ok by me, as long as he comes and spends some time with me at some point.

I knew from your first post you met during covid! Its easy to get in a rut in terms of socialising when working from home etc. Although sad for you, sounds like the job has opened his eyes (or reopened depending how he was before you met him) to the joy of being around people and doing new things; one of those unfortunate situations whereby might not be compatiable anymore. Nothing wrong one iota with living life as you do as youre content and happy doing so, he evidently isnt anymore. Comprimise should be from both sides, fair enoiugh if you dont ever want to join him but people change and have to decide if its a dealbreaker.

He's found new friends and interests that he wants to share with you. I think you need to meet him half way or you risk the relationship ending and he might move on in a different direction.

She doesn’t even want to go with him exploring different cafes and areas, which is just the two of them.

My ex played World of Warcraft!! I think you should try some therapy for your social anxiety and maybe you will be able to "click" with IRL people too :)

You are in your comfort zone and he's pushed out of his. I understand why it hurts but I do think if you can't compromise on your zealous homebody attitude you will lose him.

He sounds like someone who just left home in early adulthood, just that he is doing it later on. Im pleased for him, though, of course, I feel for you as its scary.

It sounds like his new job has given him a new lease of life! I think working from home you can easily live in an insulated world and perhaps this has motivated him to get out a bit more. I think you should support him in trying new things, making new friends etc. it sounds healthy. I'd be happy as long as I am getting invited to these things too, which you are. If you don't enjoy these things, can you spend the time on your hobbies instead. A relationship is a about striking that balance, so if you think he is becoming distant/spending more time away, what about booking a few "date nights" where you can have more quality time together.

He’s outgrown your way of living. I think you probably need to see if you can push your boundaries too or he may end up outgrowing you OP.

I think it’s difficult when things like this happen. We’ve been married a long time, I’m chronically ill and my DH became bored of my insular life, I’m a homebody and just love being at home , I do go out but feel uncomfortable, that’s me, he’s a sociable person and after lots of arguments I leave him do his thing and I do mine. I now quite enjoy my time alone and he’s happier doing what he enjoys (rugby). It’s not ideal but he’ll never change and resentment will build.

Hope you find a situation you’re both happy with,

I think you could benefit from getting a job that gets you out of the house meetimg people.

'On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. '

and sometimes he doesn't ? ' wants to go out with his new found friends. '

so on the weekends he just wants to go with you - go.
at least make the effort to do one in 4 weekend, increasing to 2 in 4.

Your life will become very small when all your parents have died and your neighbour moves away.

and if you were to make the decision to end your marriage because life is no longer perfect and neither of you are as happy as you were,
be aware you may well lose the company of his parents and his cousins.