AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

Well I don't think anyone would enjoy living with a 'neat-freak', including me. Putting food and wrappers in the bin, clothes in the basket, lifting wet towels from the floor and snotty tissues in the bin really is basic stuff. Anything else I can deal with.

Agree. My home is definitely NOT a reflection of what I was taught!

I imagine because she doesn't want to live in a house with used tissues and dirty socks hanging around the place? That is far from wanting a show home.

Maybe he was making an effort while they were dating?

There was nothing passive aggressive about my method to get him to pick up after himself. He was asked hundreds of times to do it, he didn't so I told him what I was going to do next. Did it, took about 2 weeks and he stopped. He at least had the good grace to look embarrassed that I had to go to those lengths. There was no way on earth I was having my DD's watch me pick up after an able bodied man. They see us equally pulling our weight now.

ETA I do more of the cleaning than him as I have more time than him and it matters more to me.

Oh yes that old canard. He was a completely different person until after the wedding. I an sure that happens but what appears to be more common is women marrying men as construction projects.

Quite. This is an important point, actually. OP has this back to front - it is often the boys that grow up with a stay at home mother running after them, preparing all meals, tidying their rooms, and washing their clothes, who grow up not learning the basics of running a home, and assuming that these chores are outsourced to a female - be it mother or wife.

Conversely, it is the boys of the working mothers that are often very clear that women are individuals in their own right and not put on this earth to serve them, and are consequently able to cook, clean, use a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner.

If you say so, but I'd certainitely find someone putting my empty sweet wrappers in my pockets very patronising.

I don't begrudge picking up a few socks. My husband 100% pulls his weight in other ways. Whilst my children may see me picking up after a grown man, they also see him cooking, cleaning, caring for them and for me. They also see us accepting and loving each other as we are, "flaws" and all.

I'd be absolutely mortified if another adult had to pick up my rubbish.

I don't know about which men are 'worse'; those who grew up with working mothers or SAHMs.

I do know that I told my 17yo (6th form summer holiday) that I was happy to cook dinner (after work) but I was not going to start until lunch was washed up (and done properly, not just waved under a warm tap).
MUCH grumbling and muttering about how he's going to buy a dishwasher.

My new response to things like this- “If he wanted to-he would”

Our husband might be a bigamist!

I don't know about which men are 'worse'; those who grew up with working mothers or SAHMs

Oh yes - let's blame the mothers!

I live with a man-teen and he not only won’t pick up clothes or mess—ever—but gets angry if I move them from wherever he left them, and he can’t find the shirt he already wore three times. He pulls out tools to do a job and leaves them all out. His chest drawers are all pulled open and left that way. He flushes our home toilets with his foot. He might go three days without a shower and when he does shower it is 30 minutes minimum and the bathroom walls are covered in mildew because he can’t take less time or use a squeegee.

There is no help cleaning or tidying, that isn’t something he values or would consider doing for the sake of others. I consider that he has no respect for his home, his belongings or the people he lives with. But what am I going to do about it now after two decades? He’s not going to change. The only change I can control is me walking away.

You are quoting out of context!

Remember the first time I went away for a weekend with my now husband after we had moved in together and the next morning he asks 'Where did you put my toothbrush?'
'Where did you put it when you packed it? was my reply.

Unfortunately he isn't a tidy person so yes the rest is a work in progress 🤣

I can only say, when my 13 year old boy, doesn't put his clothes in the wash basket, they don't get washed. He once didn't put his P.E kit in the wash basket, and his top was covered in mud, he was mortified having to go in with a muddy P.E top, but has never done it again. Your dh should have been taught by his parents.

I agree. Everything would annoy me, but I think it's reasonable to use a glass more than once. It's unnecessary and a bit OCD otherwise...

Nicely handled. Foot firmly down!

Every time I read shit like this I thank my stars I don't have to live with a man and put up with this. It's financially a bit more tricky being single but I'd rather juggle that than live in a constant state of mild to severe annoyance that a grown man can't pick up his skiddy pants off the floor 😂😒

Oh my god. Absolutely grim.

Have you tried having a conversation and relating it to a work environment? Ask him what he would do if a work colleague told him that something small he was doing was a constant source of annoyance or distraction to them? Would he try to stop doing it? Then point out to him nicely how annoying you find just one of his habits and ask him if he could change that one. Small steps 😉

They see the mess. They know it's not acceptable.

What they don't see is you.

If you want this to change, you need to take a firm stand and deprive him of something he really likes or depends on.

Read the book This is How Your Marriage Ends, by Matthew Fry - then give it to DH to read.

Dyslexia is much more than difficulty reading. My DS is an excellent reader but still has dyslexia. It affects his processing, short term memory and executive function. Some companies offer testing for staff. If not, private testing is the only way. DS would allow crockery to build up in his room, needs reminding daily about socks in the washing basket and rubbish into bins. He has checklists to work from.