AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

I would also find this unhinged. I hope you're perfect yourself.

I'm a woman living on my own and I'm like this, I appreciate I would probably drive someone mad, but genuinely I couldn't care less if the drawers are open in the kitchen, if there are crumbs on the surfaces. There is no problem? No risk or impact?
I do the things to make my house sanitary eg clean the toilet every couple of days, take bins out regularly, clean the bathroom, wash my clothes. But minor stuff like glasses out doesn't matter to me, so it gets done at some point, but not regularly 🤣
I tend to let things get quite messy then have a big blitz. I couldn't live in a show home where you can't leave a glass out or a magazine without it being aggressively tidied away. I think you both need a frank discussion and some compromise.

No not unhinged just not a slave to him like he thought it was going to work out. He was asked to stop doing these things but obviously didn't think I was serious. When it started impacting HIM instead of ME, he soon changed his ways. Would it have been better to leave him instead of finding a solution that worked for me? Why oh why do some women take any old shit thrown at them? Find your boundaries and demand respect.

He’s a thoughtless slob. My husband nor young adult sons would never behave like this in a million years.

They all have manners and consideration and have been raised right.

If I had daughters, I’d advise them never to settle for a man who behaves like this. It tells you so much about a person.

Agreed! I am the same. We have separate bedrooms though and he doesn't go into my office so it doesn't bother him.
I am the one checking around when wash is being put on...

My husband is very tidy, to be fair - we both are - but surely there has to be some compromise? Why do neat-freak women get to decide what is acceptable? Maybe some of these husbands hate the fact that they can't relax in their own home, and that everything has to be perfect? So a few socks on the floor are their way of standing up for themselves.... I would love to hear the other side of this story!

He cooks for me as well!

Why are you saying 'neat-freaks'? You yourself have said you are very tidy. What's the difference? Do you really think it's ok to not put a snotty, manky tissue in the bin straight away? Or to leave food all over a worktop overnight when your actually walking past a bin? You can't be that tidy.

Once when DH was away for 10 days, I sent him a picture of the living room on the 8th day to show him that as messy as he thought I was in general, it could really be so much worse. To be fair he already knew that as he had visited my houseshare when we first started dating.

Over 13 years I've become tidier and he's become more relaxed, and we've accepted that the other has what we still think are weird foibles. I don't think I'll ever internalise or remember to put shoes on the shoe rack though.

I am tidy, but I rarely clean, because it's just so tedious. So "good enough" is good enough. But I also like to see two sides to most situations and I often see men attacked on this website for things that are relatively trivial. We all have our flaws, and women don't always know best.

The tidiest person I know is my BIL - he really is a neat freak - and whilst I am very fond of him, I know I could never live with him!

Mine was a total twat for leaving stuff lying around on the floor - boots, pants, general stuff.

That all changed within 2 weeks of me getting a power wheelchair - if its in my way, it gets mullered/dragged to wherever I am going under the chair, and deposited there.

He got fed up of having his stuff squashed/moved and amazingly, learned in 2 weeks what I previously failed to teach in 10 years!

Slightly drastic move if you do not need an electric wheelchair of course!

I am a neat-freak.

My standard would be: would you leave this like that if someone (your boss, your mum) comes around? If not, why should I put up with it.
If you would tidy for people, I AM people, and more important than randoms.

Plus is that the example you want to give your kids?

It's pretty common sense:
Bed unmade? I hate it, but can understand.
Bedroom left without opening the windows, airing the sheets? No, because it's disgusting.

Tea jars left on the worktop? Annoying.
Milk left on the worktop? It goes bad.

Kids school bags left abandoned in the hall? Apart from everyone tripping on them, if the content is not washed, it won't be dry on time for the day they need it.

So many passive aggressive "solutions" - some of these suggestions sound akin to dog training methods ffs 🤣

My husband does a lot of the things you've listed. It annoys me a bit, but ultimately I suck it up because a) while he does a handful of annoying things, he also does a ton of lovely, helpful things, and b) I know have habits he likely finds annoying too and I wouldn't appreciate him being passive aggressive and patronising about them.

He knows how to put things away. He chooses not to.
People say its like living with a teen but that is a stupid comparison. If you train teens from a very early age to pick up after themselves, make their bed etc it becomes ingrained and habit forming. Im not saying standards will necessarily match someone else's but it should be good enough.

I have two sons who started to buy their own homes when they were 22. If they manage to wash and peg washing out, batch cook for themselves, clean toilets and skirting boards etc without help im sure an intelligent man can put shoes on a shoe rack and tissues in a bin!

Its absolutely disgraceful what some women have to put up with from their partners. He should be ashamed of himself.

They are born lazy. Their parents failed to raise them well and they haven't changed their ways . Avoid or re-educate them

I don’t understand marrying somebody and then “bellyaching” at them that to show respect to you they need to change who they were before you married them. At a minimum there
needs to be compromise

Picking up your dirty socks or snotty tissues hardly makes someone perfect. It's just the basics.

Did he start a relationship with somebody like that though? Although that’s a false equivalence as he is not the one insisting his wife change who she was when they started dating.

Those aren't basic household habits, those are just slovenly and lazy.

My DH is exceptionally tidy. His things are put away immaculately, the bathroom is left beautifully and he makes the bed every morning with precision folds. However, he cannot or will not:

Cook
Dust
Clean
Shop
Iron/launder or
Do anything particularly practical.

This was always totally transparent and he has always paid for a cleaner/ironer, odd job man, gardener, etc. He wants everything to be pitch perfect and would drive many to distraction.

Of course he's not insisting on it because he's the one making a mess and having someone clean up after him like a child.

OP is allowed to be fed up of that and want things to change.

I find it funny that you’re assuming his mum didn’t teach him this stuff just because she was working- in the future someone will be giving out about your child not picking up, I have 4 kids, two tidy, two messy. They’ve all been taught to put their clothes in the basket, tissues in bins, towels away etc.

After decades of world class untidiness and domestic weaponised incompetence, I carried out another of my experiments on Mr YachtMistress with an eye opening result. I stopped tidying up or cleaning on Mr YachtMistress boat to test the 'He doesn't see it' theory/excuse.
Well, it turns out 'He does see it', who'd have guessed. Boat tidied and cleaned by himself.

So maybe stop doing it, if you can stand the mess.

House 'Seeing It. Doing It' still a long way to go, current strategy is Calling It Out. Every. Single.Time.
Quite tiring, sigh.

Agree. There is zero compromise here. The person who wants a show home is “right” and their partner is a project to be berated and nagged till he fits her mould.

I never make bed. It stays open. Don't need to breed dustmites....

But she doesn’t have to. He is not asking her to. She chose to him so why is she whining he won’t change? I never understand why women continually do that. It would drive me insane if my spouse nagging me for not changing into what they wanted me to change into.