AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

Thing is, if he can function fine at work, he’s not incapable, he just can’t be bothered because there are no negative consequences for his actions.

I would explain, calmly and pleasantly, that you have had enough of everything on the list you mention. Then get a large box or laundry basket, and every thing he should have tidied away but didn’t goes in the box if you would otherwise have picked it up. Shoes, socks, used tissues, mugs, maybe cupboard items depending on how attached you are to them.

If he wants them, he has to go fishing. If he calls it passive aggressive, remind him it’s passive aggressive to expect your partner to clean up after you like a teenager.

Let me tell you a secret. As children /young men they don't actually watch or play football/sports. They go to men school where they are taught lessons on how to annoy partners and become deaf to instruction or nagging.
how do I know this because my husband has a 1st class degree with honours in this subject 😂😂

Yes you sre being unreasonable OP. I say this based on what I've learnt about men- their brains are just somehow...wired differently. It's not wrong. Yoy see these things as trivial and super annoying...But for whatever reason they just don't stick/become part of behaviour. My advice: just let these little things go, and spend your time thinking about and appreciating all the positives this man brings to your life. If he's as competent as you imply there must be lots. Let the tissues go.

You really believe that many men are unable to leant to put dirty tissues in a bin?
Do you think this men need to always live with someone who can do it for them? Men who are able to hold down good jobs? Do you think they leave their snotty tissues around the office?

He's a lazy, disrespectful skank. Any man that can hold down a decent job is more than capable of tidying up his shit.
I can honestly say my dh has never left dirty clothes on the floor or left used tissues next to a bin. He's not perfect by any means and neither am I. If either of us did something the other didn't like we would say and it would stop because we love and respect each other.

Do you have sons?

You could limbo under that bar you've set for men. Snotty tissues left on the floor or desk is grim. Men's brains aren't wired different for God's sake.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this comment. Someone said similar to me about a decade ago when I was once again washing up when it wasn’t my ‘turn’. I spent a few more years holding my tongue as I carried on carrying the far greater load. Thank goodness he had an affair so we got divorced anyway, just not over this ‘small’ stuff. I am so so much happier now, and my biggest regret is that I didn’t spot the very obvious signs sooner.

Lol.

There are some men who believe they are above life's shitty little details, and that is the place of women to deal with all of that - the used mugs, the snotty tissues, the clothes strewn about, and all the rest of their detritus.

They believe deep down that their time and energy and mental focus are more important than women's. They believe deep down that they are entitled to the labour of women. They only make the effort to appear competent and able and masters of all they survey in the environment where there will be financial consequences and consequences for their status for that effort and focus.

At home, they do not care how they come across - they treat their partners with what is actually contempt, and they do not feel the need to impress. What their wives feel about them doesnt matter to them.

Totally agree. I said up thread it shows an inherent sense of entitlement. I see it everywhere. I don’t live with a man anymore thank god. But it happens plenty at work. The amount of basic admin tasks male colleagues have expected me to do for them, I’ve been the only female in a meeting and asked to make the drinks for everyone else or to fetch the sandwiches. The funny thing is, because I don’t throw my weight around, many of them don’t realise I am senior to them.
Slightly off topic but you see it everywhere.

And as I also said up thread, my eight year old son manages to put tissues and rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes in the wash etc!

I find all this talk about ‘training’ men and looking for ‘tips and strategies’ to ensure they do the most basic tasks so depressing. How can any of you respect you partners when they can’t carry out the most basic of household tasks because they expect someone else to do it for them? What would happen if OP never picked up her DH’s socks? Would he never have clean socks again or would the penny eventually drop that they have to be washed eventually and that it’s more efficient to have all dirty clothes in one place in order to wash them all together? Incompetent men and the women that enable them. It’s depressing.

I would not put up with this - I made it clear to my DH that I was his partner not mother.
Just dump all his shit on his side of bed.

Because being a good father is absolutely all about putting your socks in the laundry basket and used tissues straight in the bin….🙄

I understand.
What made me finally snap and leave a previous partner (not married, no children) was watching him casually drop a sweet wrapper onto the floor in the hallway.
Just fecking dropped it there.
Like somebody else - namely me-would pick it up.

I actually snapped that day.
The selfish f*ing ass hole really did consider me as his maid.

I was made redundant and not working for a couple of months early on in my marriage (no children at the point).
Naturally I took on all the housework.
No issue with this at all.

Yet my dh still continued to take his clothes to the wash basket, his rubbish to the bin, his plates to the sink.

Like saying '"OK you're doing the housework for now. That doesn't mean that I treat you like a piece of shit on my shoe and just drop what I like on the floor, though."

I'm sorry but anybody who just drops stuff on the floor for others to pick up is just communicating that they think that person is lesser than them.

Well of course. if he can’t manage the most basic of tasks at home, how would OP expect him to carry out tasks required in looking after a child? And as I said, it’s indicative of a sense of entitlement. If he expects OP to pick up after him he would expect OP to do the bulk of the parenting. It’s not hard to come to that conclusion.

I think it's a good idea to go for a hotel stay with a man you're dating early on in the relationship.

Does he leave the room reasonably tidy?
Not talking actually clean and tidy as such but basic considerations like quickly making the bed and putting rubbish in bin by way of example.

In a fit state to be cleaned IYSWIM.

If yes that's good, if no then get rid.
You'll be that 'maid' one day.

If no then I'd personally tidy up a bit and bin him.

How can you not understand that it isn’t about these small actions, it’s about the thought process/character traits that leads to those actions? It isn’t rocket science. If you leave a tissue you’ve used for your wife to either see/clear up, you do not respect your wife. I wouldn’t leave my used tissue for anyone else to clean up ever, even if I had servants. It’s entitled and disrespectful. So, no, someone who views his wife like this will not make a good father.

Sounds like his home office is a problem. Stop going in there.

What happens if you leave his socks on the floor? Will he pick them up when putting a wash on? Then leave them. My bedroom is half tidy and half messy. I'm not picking up after an adult.

Not sure the issue in the dishwasher. Can one of you empty while the other makes dinner? And then fill together when clearing away?

Pick the bigger things that realty annoy you and focus on asking him to do those. Most of your list wouldn't bother me.

This is simply not true. My husband, father and brothers do not behave like this. Unfortunately you just know crappy men.

Absolutely agree.
It's fine to have designated tasks where somebody empties the bins, but even if that job is somebody else's you still make an effort to put things in the bin.

Or put the clothes in the wash basket, dishes in the dishwasher or tidily at the side for the person to sort.

It's a bit like staying temporarily at the home at somebody you respect, even IF they'll do the laundry etc because they insist on doing these things you still make an effort to make their chores easier.

The amount of women on here saying put up with this shitty disrespectful misogynistic behaviour is shameful and shocking - no wonder many men think this is OK.

just pathetic!!! My brother, son and DH wouldn’t dare behave like this.

He continues because he doesn't care that it bothers you. Your role, as far as he's concerned is a maternal one whether you've agreed to it or not. How can a woman be sexually attracted to a man like this who's labelled her "mother"? It'd always be at the back of my mind if there was some kind of sick incest fantasy going on.... step-mum/step-sister porn is extremely popular. Grim.

I would write this out as a laminated sheet and hand it to him each time you notice something. Are his socks in the washing basket? Big tick box.Are his used tissues in the bin? Big tick box. If he acts like a child, treat him like a child.

🤷🏻‍♀️ he doesn't do it because it doesn't matter to him, there's no consequences for him not doing it & he knows you'll clear it up anyway

please don't have children with him

god yes, you're so right !! All those terrible stories of single men dying in their homes suffocated under the weight of their own dirty laundry and snotty unthrown away tissues

it's very sad but as you say they just can't learn so an unfortunate death is the sad consequence

No. It’s about modelling civilized behaviour. Leaving your dirty socks for someone else to pick up is not civilized behaviour.