AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

Edited as i missed a key part of the post!

3 was enough for me. Personally I wouldnt reverse vasectomy.

Wait until you early 30s then you said dh would consider fostering or adoption.

I would definitely wait and see, you have plenty of time. All sorts of things could change, career aims, money situation, things may look very different if your parents or ILs can’t help as much, your DC may have needs you don’t yet know about, who knows.

Better to wait and see than have 4 kids and end up in a situation where you can’t care for them all as well as you’d like.

Also there must be a reason DH had a vasectomy?? Why has that changed?

What they said, plus how old is your DH?

And why did he have a vasectomy in the first place?

Child free years? Are you sending the current three back to the shop?

I don’t have 4 kids, but I hadn’t even met Dh at 27! We had our first at 32 and 2nd at 37, very carefully planned as I did not want a smaller age gap or another child any sooner. You have plenty of time! Enjoy a few baby free years. Consider your long term career prospects. Build some financial security (what would happen if your Dh got ill and had to give up work?). Go on some holidays. Get a bigger house and car if you need them. You have plenty of time. I had my last at 37 and i didn’t think it was a particularly challenging age to have a baby. I still had plenty of energy.

Of course YANBU

YANBU with anything when it comes to decisions about your own body.

It’s also ok to change your mind either way later.

Your partner being open to adoption or fostering also needs to be considered more thoroughly, especially in terms of the impact on the children you already have.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Take a few years and you might find three kids is enough - teaching three to read, paying for and ferrying them to all their activities, helping them with homework, going on holidays abroad, paying for four sets of university tuition and rent…All far more do-able with three than four. You’ll be able to provide a better life, more opportunities and more attention for your children if you don’t have another one.

Don’t have this discussion with him yet - position it as a break for now and hopefully he’ll go off the idea.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having four children though, so my post is probably a bit biased. It’s objectively correct though.

Also remember if he leaves you’ll be less poor and overwrought with three than with four as a single mum. Well worth bearing this in mind.

You also need to build up your savings and your own pension - one isn’t enough these days. Again, easier to do this while managing three not four kids.

I’ve also noticed anecdotally that there seems to be a correlation at my kids’ schools between the larger families and children with additional needs. If baby no 4 has Sen or brings out underlying issues with existing children this will make family life far more challenging and less fun than up to now.

Honestly i would do it now. You’re already dealing with nappies and naps and what not. To leave all that behind and then start again will be hard. That said two was plenty for me. You are brave

My thought too 🤣🤣 I think she meant to say baby-free… I hope!

At no point in your post is it clear whether you want a fourth child or not. Are you happy to stick with 3? If so it’s totally fine to say that. As the mother you’ll take on the brunt of the work regardless of adopting or carrying a child yourself.

I just wouldn’t have another child. Unless you have lots of money, 4 is a lot of children. It is not just about paying for them when they are young, but you have to think about them as teens and young adults. Most parents help their children financially through university to prevent a huge debt pile up.

I think it’s a terrible idea to have another one. No matter how much money you currently have things can and will change, and you will either end up raising three/four on your own or on your own with one of them being disabled. Why would you tempt the gods? Just chill out and raise the ones you have.

There is a gap of 7 years between my mom's 3rd and 4th . People do ask my younger siblings if they have a different dad 😆 🤣. My parents had 3 close together in their 20s like you and thought they had finished their family but they decided to have 2 more in their 30s . I think you are right to take a break get back to yourself and consider going again when your dc are all in school. The gap didn't affect the sibling relationship at all , if anything we are very close because I babysat the younger ones and watched them grow .

I didn't have a pregnancy in my 20s but am always bemused by people talking about how difficult their 30s pregnancy was as if they were ancient. I did it twice (before 34 admittedly) and carried on completely as normal, playing sports and working in an active, stressful job with a commute until 3 days before giving birth. Some of it is luck with how your body deals with pregnancy but I think a great deal is also to do with your general fitness and also your mindset.

If you’re definitely going to have another get it done.
I get your point of view but for the child I think having a large age gap between three older siblings and a youngest one is unfair to plan it that way.
I have an age gap between 3 & 4 (not planned!), and he often feels a bit left out of things when the older three are at a different life stage.
For me I wish there was less gap because my intense parenting days might now be less intense!

Sorry I probs should have been clear. I would like to have a 4th in theory but I am not sure right now. I’ve only really been thinking about it as of last night and it’s definitely not something we will be cracking on with this week. Obviously it’s a huge decision and I will definitely need to think about it and I am keen to hear other peoples experiences.

I love the idea of having another child, but 4 is a lot and as PPs have said you never know what you’re going to get.

yes baby free is probably a much better way to put it, besides the 28 day return period is up and I’ve lost the receipts…

If he loves being a dad, what's so unfulfilling about having 'only' 3 kids, but where a fourth will be great? How likely is it that after a fourth it'll be 'oh just one more' because babies are cute? You've got to stop somewhere.

Youre so young

Imo, stop at 3

Who knows who you will be in 5 years time 😳

This. Four is a lot. So is three.

You are 27 years old with three children already. Have you even had time for yourself and your own life?

How old is DH and why did he have a vasectomy?

You are so young to have 3 children OP, I'd leave it as 3!

He is 27 in a few days. He had it because I didn’t want to go back on hormonal birth control and we are not great with condom use if I’m being 100% honest with you.

Ok, but surely you must both have thought you were done in order for him to have a vasectomy? As reversal is possible sometimes but not ideal or reliable. So what’s changed?