AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

I had my kids in my late 30s, so I’m 20 years older than you with 2 still in primary school. I think if I had started having kids in
my 20s, I’d have finished then too! The thought of being my age , with grown up kids, and plenty of free time and money sounds like heaven!

Think also about the impact on your career and earning power.

Family help is always welcome. But I have found that what my parents and in laws can do in their early 70s is a lot less than what they could do ten years ago. They are all still fit and well, but looking after the kids exhausts them these days!

Op I'd stop at 3.
You've spent your entire adult life being pregnant or dealing with a very young child.

Give yourself a chance to actually enjoy raising the kids you have.

As they get older hobbies become more pricy whiter it be dance, football or swimming. I know someone currently spending a fortune taking their teen to swim competitions that often require a hotel stay.

Even if one needs a tutor to help with school that's another cost to pay.

Cars 4 kids means a 7 seater car £££. Housing them, few places have holiday accommodation for 4 kids.

But lastly keeping a woman pregnant or with a small child can very often be about control and abuse. Be very careful.You can't have spent much time with him before you got pregnant with your first.

I had 3 at 29 and then number 4 at 39. Don't regret a thing. Yes I had less energy but I had enough, and I had more money and more time for dc4. It's true that the older ones got more and more expensive, but my earning ability has gone up by a lot too, so it's not an issue.

It's been great. Youngest is 11 now and the adult siblings are great babysitters.

Child free years? What you doing with your 3 current kids?? 🤣

You're in the super cheap phase of having children at the moment.

Wait 10 years and then see if you can afford another.

You haven’t mentioned any investment into yourself. Have you studied further, gained proper experience, invested into you before having all these kids?

Say No OP. Do you really need another one?

Three is more than enough. The planet is literally on fire. Go on and enjoy yourself and appreciate what you have. Your DH needs to consider the worst case scenario with another child - job loss, illness of anyone, a child with additional needs.

This is true too.

When you have all tinies as you currently have, you can’t really understand how much they’ll cost as teens.

Do you have a pension?

And also, the great thing about being young parents is that you will still be pretty youmg when the kids move out.

So stop at three, save money (teenagers cost a FORTUNE) so that you will have time to travel etc later in life.

Never sure what you’re going to get. Yes, quite, suppose it’s twins, that’s 5 then?!

Those beautiful years where they barely eat, people are always trying to give you bundles of clothes for free and their only hobbies are Brownies at £30 a term 😂

Exactly. I’ve always stood firmly on my opinion that nobody needs more than 3 kids.. it’s just not necessary. What gap in your life is a fourth child going to fill that your existing three cannot? I am one of six - DM loves us all dearly and did her best but I will never be able to fathom as to why she needed such a huge family..

Wouldn’t you rather give your current three the best childhood and upbringing possible with ample time and funds for hobbies, days out, holidays, one on one time, savings for when they get to uni/need a first car/house deposit than pop another out just for the sake of it?

I have a 22yo DD, she’s an only child and thank goodness because the costs as they get older are eye watering! Between helping out with uni accommodation expenses, car insurance, general bits & pieces I easily spend £1k/month on her. The early years through to primary school are the easy bit..

I think three is already one too many but if you want a fourth I'd just go for it. You're going to be raising DC for the next 15+ years anyway why make it even longer?

So he basically always saw the vasectomy as temporary?

As I’m sure you know, vasectomy reversal isn’t available on the NHS. It will cost between £3-5k privately. And it’s not always successful.

I remember when my son was a teenager and I asked how many fish fingers he would like and he replied How many are there? When I said 20 he said ok I’ll have that then please. 😂💸

Also costs of childcare might be more noticeable when they're older-holiday care etc. Does your job allow you to take the summer off, because if not, 4 lots of holiday clubs is expensive.

The first time you go out for a meal and your kids want to order a steak instead of the kids menu 😱

This. Stick with three. More kids means less money per child, less time with you, less room, etc. You are 27, have a bit of a life of your own?

The cost of now having a child old enough to drink alcohol is quite a shock to the system when it comes to restaurant bills!!

You’re asking for 3 years, that’s nothing. You will only be 30/31 which is definitely not too old
to have a baby (I had my youngest at 33, didn’t feel any harder than my eldest).
If your youngest is only 2 it still won’t be a huge age gap.

The danger with waiting is that once you taste that sweet, sweet freedom with older children, you will realize just how HARD pregnancy and babies hit you and there will no way you will want to go back to that.

You sound very cool, OP, not at all mediocre.

Everything I am about to say is very subjective and biased, just keep that in mind.

I have 4 kids, aged 16, 14 and 12 year old twins. The toddler years were very very difficult, chaotic and at times overwhelming, but by the time the youngest were in school it all got much more enjoyable. I was 39 when the twins were born, the pregnancy was tiring but manageable.

I count myself as extremely lucky that my kids all get on and enjoy each others company, barring minor squabbles. They bring me so much joy. My biggest worry would he adding a baby that didn’t get on with the others, which is not really something you can fix.

Personally I feel having a big age gap drags out the tougher years and makes things difficult as they get older, trying to balance the needs of different stages. Also it means you would be parenting for a much longer period. That might suit you though.

And of course it is very expensive. My husband and I both work, although I was part time for a few years. My kids don’t have the latest tech or most fashionable clothes. It doesn’t seem to bother them.

There is probably not a right answer for what you should do, and I wish you luck whatever you decide. It is good that you have plenty of time in terms of fertility.

I have heard, and I’m not sure if this is correct, that the longer a man has a vasectomy, the more difficult it is to reverse it. So it might be worth getting that checked out, it might help inform your decision.

Ok, so that's different to what you said in your OP which is that you "want to drink alcohol and have fun". If you'd like to travel, you need to do it now while they are young enough or leave it until your children are grown really.

I'd similarly say that if you want another child I have one now. You are (IMO) not likely to want to start again in 3 years time with nappies and babies once your oldest is 10 and they are all in school. I do agree with others that you are at the cheap stage with young children. All you know how to do is parent young children; they change dramatically past 7.

Having more freedom does not have to mean partying and taking drugs. It just means being able to put yourself first instead of children for the rest of your life.
You barely had time to be a child yourself.