AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

Something strange about a man/DH/Dad who thought about it, discussed it openly (hopefully), and decided three kids was enough and went and got the snip.

But NOW wants more. I'd be firm about closing the nursery myself now. It's just too much I think, and remember overpopulation and do your bit for the planet by sticking with three. Anyway, I'd imagine that when your current three grow up a bit and you both have more free time, a fourth may not be what you actually want in a few years time.

Anyway, I'm just rambling and it's none of my business in the end is it? But you posted so......

So you and DH decided that you were finished with DC around two years ago, it’s deemed a permanent form of contraception.

Now you want a fourth?

I find this attitude odd, to say the least!

Doesn’t seem you have a real life plan.

With the drink alcohol and have fun thing I mean like just having the option to have a pint or a wine after a long day - obviously when you’re pregnant that’s not an option at all and it’s fine, but it’s a bit restrictive sometimes. With travel, I don’t mind putting that off till I’m older. My dad and ILs travel a decent amount now and they’re still having a good time, so that makes me hopeful.

This. Also something went very wrong if the OP was partying and using drugs when she was so young..

You say you are 27 and your mum is 65. That means she had you at 38. You’re talking about waiting a couple of years so maybe at 30. There’s a big difference in how she might have found it as “older” at 38 (still not that old!) versus you at not-old-at-all 30.

I am childfree so your title caught my eye and then I was confused 😄

You're outnumbered with children and have a tiny toddler, what would another kid provide that the current three don't?

Have you looked up how much it costs to raise one person to 18?

I would very much put it out of your minds.
It sounds like you were and are happy with 3. Dh must have been as well.
Enjoy what you have.

This.

He's had a vasectomy for a reason.
I don't understand what having another child will do for you that you don't get from your current 3.

Don't be bullied or persuaded into it.

X

Three children is a lot and to give opportunities to like activities, music, sports, driving lessons.
Raising children is eye-wateringly expensive especially if you hope to give them more than you had.
Would you like to be able to support them going to university?

I think you should definitely take a breather.
IMO your children will never be cheaper than they are now unless you are spending a fortune on full-time creche care and childminders.

Take a breath.
There is so much more to life than having children.

It’s not an odd response at all; disability diagnoses are on the rise, and I’m not just referring to complex issues, and it’s a minefield trying to get services for disabled children.

You say he's "open to fostering or adoption".
He should realise that you don't foster or adopt as an alternative to having your own child, but because you can give a vulnerable child a safe and caring home. It's a real challenge. It's not a consolation prize.
Are you open to this?

Are you sure you aren’t just being nostalgic?

Not a parent of three but an experienced adopter - I think you would need quite a significant age gap between three birth children and a foster/adopted child (very different things btw so you should ask a question separately on the adoption board) I would think your youngest needs to be in school before you adopt. I know people who have adopted with a smaller age gap but only with one older child and it's gone pretty well.

Most foster children or children you adopt will have higher needs which require more attention on avergae than birth children. Will you be able to manage your own business when it transpires that your new child cannot be left with any other form of childcare not grandparents, not after school clubs, might need additional support to remain in school. How will you manage this with older children attending hobbies/clubs etc your DH is going to have to be VERY present on the parenting front for the two of you to manage 4 children when one is likely to present with some form of additional needs.

Any adopted or foster child will be expected to have their own room which may not be an issue for you but with 3 already that may involve the older ones sharing. And is your DH prepared for the intrusion of a home study?

It sounds like a lovely idea and I'm sure local council will bite your arm off for fostering, though I think they may well expect you to foster more than one child - not at the same time but over time. I doubt it's a one and done situation (though happy to be corrected by foster carers as I have only peripheral experience through adoption).

I had mine at 34/36/38. All totally fine! Your age is definitely not an issue!

I would say if you are sure you want a 4th, go ahead and do it. I think it's much much easier having a small age gap, the children can play together, have similar interests, etc. Then as they grow you can move on, and do more adventurous holidays, go and watch shows together as a family or have family movie nights, without being held back by a much younger child.
But if you are not sure, then wait - because it may be that as time goes by, you realise you have your hands full with the 3 you have. If you have a doubt now about wanting 4, I reckon that doubt will get bigger, not smaller.

You're right about fostering. You're also right about the space they need and the high level of care and support. It's very different from dealing with your own birth children.

I agree with you. I know of so many families who’ve thought ‘oh, we’ll just have one more’ only to be met with a profoundly disabled child.

OP, you’ve got three perfectly healthy children. Count your blessings and be happy with what you’ve got.

I get a vibe too. And from OP. Like she wants a 4th, but only since yesterday when he said he wanted a 4th. The 'not good with condoms' thing always makes me a bit suspicious as well.

OP maybe see a therapist. I worry that the 'break' you want is actually not wanting a 4th but also not wanting to tell him. I could be off but there's something under the surface here.

I was pregnant in my 20s and 30s. The one in the 30s was more difficult, so was the labour. I don't have as much patience for it or get as much joy from it as I did in my 20s. I also have a big age gap and balancing the needs of teens and baby/toddler isn't easy and that may actually be a factor in my patience for it. Being able to divide and conquer with DH has helped so I can get some quality time with teens doing activities they like.
I've not fostered or adopted but worked it that area. It comes with challenges but could help with the age gap issue, there are more children over 2 waiting for adoption. Fostering is often short time and involves a lot of ongoing meetings and training, adoption will only include that early on. You'd need to consider how you and your family would manage the work and the losses that come with Fostering. If you want a child that you raise as your own adoption is the path rather than fostering. I'd contact the local authority adoption service in your area and find our more to figure out if it's right for your family. Many will have info events where you can meet staff and adopters.

I have nothing to add about the baby discussion. Just wanted to say from your posts I think youre a lovely person, well rounded, well lived and just wanted to say so good on you for building such a happy slice of life for you and your kids

Hard on an adopted child to be the 'odd one out' in a family of genetic siblings and their birth parents. I've seen it play out in not very positive ways.

You're so young still, OP. Wait and enjoy yourself.

There's nothing wrong with a big age gap and you will still be in your early 30's, that's not old at all.

If you were fine with your previous pregnancies and are fairly fit and healthy, you will most likely be absolutely fine in your early-mid thirties too.

I was late thirties with my first and it's absolutely fine.

I didn't think it was an odd point you raised at all, any one of us could get a disability even if we don't currently have one. That goes for OPs current children and herself and DH, none of us are guaranteed to go our whole lives without disability or something sort.

You need to look a bit further ahead, they may be extremely needy and touchy as toddlers but they don't stop needing you or requiring time/attention and presence when they are older. I'd actually say that young teenagers in particular need more 1-2-1, running about, flexibility on social situations, you need to be on them in a different way. Trying to arrange to pick up your 13 year old from a friend's house whilst juggling bath tomes and bedtimes for a 2/3 year old gets tricky and that's only the practical side. If any of them want to go to uni you need to consider the financial aspects of that too.
And PPs are right about having a healthy family. Rolling the dice doesn't always go in your favour.

Do you want a 4th?
I had mine at 19, 23 & 27.
Thought I was done. Changed my mind and had my 4th at 33.
Give yourself time to work out what you want. It’s all fine that this is your DHs grand plan, but he’s not the one going through the pregnancy & birth.

I had mine at 38 and 41 and it was absolutely fine. Commuting into London 5 days a week while pregnant with the second and having a toddler to look after was the hard bit, not my age.