AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

I wouldn’t adopt with three birth children. Adoption is very hard, time consuming and very tough emotionally. I love my kids to bits but could never have survived the early days with in my case two terrified children while having another 3 to care for. It’s very different to giving birth.

3 kids can eventually fit in back of regular car. 4 you need minivan three row .

Four sets uni support .

OP don’t put off travelling! Nothing is guaranteed! You might not be in the physical health for example when older! Do it now! @Fourthchildmusings

Hahaha 😆
Got that t-shirt.

Huge adult meals because he didn't fancy the boring kids options.

I would love 4th but I won’t because my husband is shite. If I did I would have it close to my other 3. I have 3 year and 2 year gap and would do another 2 or 3 gap

Should you not have properly thought this through before your husband had a vasectomy?

agree. twins at 37, and big fat juicy ones (nearly 7lb each at 36 weeks) and I was back and forth on school run carting an oxygen bottle each way with a reclarant 4 year old. I loved my massive bump

I was thinking the same about keeping her pregnant and barefoot.

Is he bored?

Like people who get a pet when they are bored and want something new? He clearly has no idea of the mental (and often physical) toll fostering or adoption brings, never mind the intensive intrusion into your lives during the assessment period.

Frankly I would insist on parking it for at least a year and then discussing it again then. My hunch is that he will have found something else by then.

I have 6 kids and while I wouldnt change it for the world, at times it was very very hard.

My boss has 3 children, age 17, 15 and 5, they were in their 40s when they had child #3. They just really wanted another one when they thought they were done. Weirdly they have an element of freedom now. The older ones sometimes look after the young ones while the parents go out to do something for a bit. They don't regret their decision.

Honestly you sound like you've got your head screwed on a lot more than your DH.

You're both young, you want a 'time out' and your DH is taking on a business...much better to hold off for now and see how all that pans out.

You could always agree to review the situation annually rather than a blanket 'not for three years'.

As for the age gap, your kids will be fine because they won't know any different. My dad was very involved big brother to his half siblings who came along when he was in his mid teens, my mum was closer to
her oldest brother who was 8 years her senior than she was to her middle brother. Personalities are just as important if not more so that age.

Being pregnant in your 30s is not necessarily harder - I had mine at 33 and 35 and both were very straightforward conception, pregnancy, birth and recovery. If you had okay pregnancies first time round, I really wouldn’t worry about it.

i would be very wary of fostering and adopting though. It’s an incredible thing to do, but you need to understand you are taking in potentially deeply traumatised children and it will have far more impact on your family than “just” a fourth child. Make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open, for everyone’s sake.

I understand the concern but he is not abusive and has always encouraged me to pursue education if I want to. I have advanced highers and could have gone to uni but decided against it, he has always said that if at any point I want to go we could work something out. I think I could get SASS but honestly I don’t really need a degree, would love to study history but realistically I don’t think I need to do it at university, it would be fun but not practical. I have my own money/ savings/ pension and he has never been controlling, aggressive, or abusive. He did help me start my business (paid for the set up costs) and he has never held it over me or rubbed it in my face or anything like that.

I had three under 3 .then a 10 year gap and one more ..big mistake.
Should of either had the 4 th much sooner after the 3 rd or had two ,4 and 5 close together.
The 4 th child , literally grew up alone ,the eldest were all at secondary by the time he was walking and talking and not the slightest bit interested in him .
But when I got pregnant only one was at secondary,and the gap really didn't seem so big ..then suddenly very quickly it felt massive

I have 4 dc, all adults now and going from 3 to 4 was huge - not because of the extra child in the family but we had to get a bigger car, pay for extra room on holiday etc. The fourth was dd3 so we couldn't have her share with the third dc as he was a ds and there was no space in the older 2s room. I actually had 2 + 2 and if I'd have had 3 close together I probably wouldn't have gone for number 4 but thought ds needed a companion.

Not really what you're asking, but I'm the 4th out of 5, and I have over 10 years difference with my older siblings.

There was definitely 3+2 when we were growing up due to the age gap, but we were still close and had great 1-1 relationships at different times of our lives. It's more about affinities than age I think. My parents also valued the family unit so it probably came through to help us bound.

But otherwise I've had my 3 in my 30s so can't compare with my 20s 😅

Take a break!

if you want a fourth, go for it in a few years. Pregnancy and babies in your early thirties is absolutely fine, and pretty normal these days!

Mine will have been born at 35, 36 and 39 - no problemo!

Getting pregnant at 30 still seems young. You’ll be fine.

Exactly this. If you want to enjoy some freedom at some point, bunch the children together, however many you decide to have. The freedom is before / after children (or when they get to secondary school, to an extent). Not during. Not drinking during pregnancy isn’t the hard part. That comes after !!!!

I feel inclined to agree with a PP that has said that they suspect your DH is keeping you pregnant and barefoot. Your DH has essentially kept you pregnant throughout your entire 20's- typically the years that the majority of people spent building the foundations of their careers. Another baby will mean less time, energy and money for you to increase your earning potential, build a pension of your own and to be financially independent. It is concerning that you mentioned that you decided to entirely forgo attending university. I could be wrong, but I suspect that he quite enjoys the notion of you being at home carrying out wifely duties- perhaps this is why he is intent on you becoming pregnant again as there is a chance that you could build an identity outside of being a wife, housemaid and mother.

Furthermore, nobody needs 4 children in this day and age. We are not repopulating a war-torn country; I acknowledge that the birth-rate has decreased, but the environmental impact of four children would be astronomical. Predictions of the plights of our future generations are incredibly bleak- which is why so many are having less children or forgoing having them entirely. Have you considered your carbon footprint, the impact that climate change, AI and increasing living costs will have on their futures? How will you financially provide for all four alongside giving all of the children the individual and equitable attention that they require?

It also sounds like complete drudgery. I am in my 30's and only a couple of my friends have started having babies in the last year. Having to contend with 4 before you even turn 30 sounds like total madness. I would be happy with the 3 existing children you have and aim to have some semblance of the life you have missed out on in your 20's/30's. Seek some experiences outside of the confines of traditional gender roles. If you don't, you may well reflect back on your life lamenting that you spent the entirety of it in a caring role with no identity for yourself.

I have three and I’d also love a fourth, so that bit makes sense to me. I totally understand your desire to have a few years “off” being pregnant or having a newborn, though I think I’d prefer not to leave a big gap and start all over again. Mine are 5, 3 and 1 and I would want another two or three year gap.

Obviously, you might prefer things differently! Also, I’m 38 not 27! Clearly, I don’t have age on my side like you do!

I skipped uni because I didn’t think it was for me, it was nothing to do with him. He drove me to the open day at Edinburgh. We didn’t have a massive education gap, he went to college so technically out of the two of us I’m more educated. He has always encouraged me to go back if I want to and we’ve even looked into SASS but if I were to go it would be to do history which is not at all related to my job - I don’t really think it’s worth me going for fun. I am not saying I can teach myself degree level history but I can engage with it and learn what I want myself.

I very much wanted children and I wanted multiple. Our first two were closer together than I would have liked but that was due to contraception failure (which was my fault, it wasn’t him doing anything untoward). I have a pension and a have savings of my own which are nothing to do with him and he never tries to pry or get involved in my finances. I am pretty much in charge of our household finances and bills so it’s not like he controls all the money, we don’t split 50/50 because if we did it would be hard for me to save and contribute to my pension and also it was my grandad who left us the house so I’ve already contributed that.

He’s not some psycho who snatched me up when I was young and manipulated me into having babies and staying home. We are the same age, we met in school, and he’s a nice person who has consistently encouraged me, supported me, and looked out for me.

How old is the youngest? Close to starting school? It isn't uncommon for a man to do this. He may be lovely but I do find it odd that he is now saying about a fourth after being happy with a vasectomy. Do you go out often now and socialise?

I go out pretty often and socialise both with him and without him. We rotate Sunday morning so one week I will be on my own with the kids and next week he does it. Doesn’t happen every week because sometimes life gets in the way but most of the time it works out. I would say for someone with three young kids I get more time to socialise than most but we get a lot of help from my dad and step mum and ILs. Youngest is two and a half.

Is it a gender thing, where you have three of one and he has a hankering for a fourth to see if it's a girl/boy this time?

Also some people just really go mad for babies. Look at the Radfords to see where that gets you.