AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

I only have two, but they are 8 and 11 now and no way would I go back to the baby stage. Occupying them and a baby would be too much I think, their needs are too different. I wouldn’t want to be helping an older kid with their homework whilst trying to keep a toddler quiet. Days out with my two are fun now and I can sit back and watch them play without being preoccupied about having a smaller one run off in a different direction. So I actually think if you’re going to have a 4th do it sooner rather than later. I’m a single parent though and my exh is pretty useless so that may be tainting my view

This is such an odd response. She MIGHT end up raising them alone, but why would one of her children be disabled? (I ask that as the parent of a child with a disability so....)

Have a break, have a beer KitKat.

I think all of these answers show that there is no right answer or age gap but don't be persuaded into another baby when you aren't ready. I am one of 6, so when last one born there was an 18, 12, 8, 3, 2 and new baby. My own two are 11 years apart,

The thing you really can't control is what the child is like, whether they make the family complete or whether they are a slightly unwell child that whinges and complains and sucks the joy out of everything ... (quoting someone i know about her third) or anything between,

All the best.

God no, three is plenty.

Your body has been through so much. Adoption and fostering are great in theory but you have to be 100% that it is specifically what you want as it is incredibly hard - so don’t do it just as a reason to avoid pregnancy.

I think you have enough on your plate.

In a few years time you’ll have a bit of independence with your kids at school and can have a slightly less exhausting 30s.

You do realise that most people these days don’t have a first until after 30, and that waiting a few years will not make you an older mum right?

I had my first at 31yo and was one of the ‘younger mums’ when my first hit school, had several, and never had an ‘older mum’ descriptor. Realistically, that’s saved for mums over 40 these days.

We don’t claim any benefits. No shame on those who do as both my parents have had stints on the dole. We are fortunate in terms of housing as we live in what was my grandads house which he left us after he passed. We are not mumsnet rich but we are comfortable. I am self employed and he works for his dad but is in the process of taking over from FIL.

I know but my mum has kind of scared me (unintentionally) so hearing other people say it will be fine and share positive experiences is quite helpful.

You have spent your entire 20s having kids. Don't you want to do something else in your 30s: travel, pick up hobbies, or just simply have more freedom?

HRTFT...my large age gap (I don't think yours potentially of five years is a huge) of ten years is between DC1 and 2. I had DC at 23, 33 and 35. I think I had more energy in my twenties, but was far more confident and patient in my thirties. It balanced itself out.

DC1&2 are very close and work together. DH was 28 when DC1 was born and 40 when we had our youngest. I think DH had slowed down a lot in the two youngest's teen years. They are all adult now, I wouldn't change anything.

I would also consider the finances of a fourth child, school trips and holidays as they get older (plus hobbies are notoriously more expensive when they reach teenage years!).
Adult children are also staying 'at home' far longer now as property prices are so expensive, there's a high chance all four might have to stay well into their 20s. Plus you may have to help them out with deposits etc.
All things to think about.
I definitely don't think it's unreasonable to have a break for a few years and revisit when you're 30 :)
27 is very young! Enjoy it

Pregnancy in your 30s is completely fine and normal. But honestly all your reasons for wanting a gap are very valid reasons to stick at three. You might decide you're enjoying your freedom from the relentlessness of the baby phase. You shouldn't have four for your husband.

Your DH loves being a Dad to 3 gorgeous little cute, compliant babies who's biggest problem is their beans touching their nuggets.

But how good is he at parenting and providing for 4 teenagers who are often challenging, sometimes trying and who need reassurance, patience and understanding without giving the same in return?
What does he think 4 kids will fulfill that 3 can't?
Would another child really bring more positives than what it will cost your family in terms of spreading time and resources more thinly?

Parenting changes as the kids grow. Make decisions for the long term, not a new cute toddler now.

Honestly, you sound like you wouldn't consider a fourth if he wasn't pushing for it.

Are you aware reversals cost about £4k?
Do you have a 5 bedroom house and tonnes of savings for uni x 4?
Will you be able to give 4 kids all the time and attention required?
Id tell him no and stick at 3, personally.
4 is people carrier and eye watering holiday cost territory, fuck that. 🙂

This.

my son is 20 I can’t imagine him being a dad any time soon. You’re young and your kids will largely independent by the time you’re 40, so still pretty young. And like it or not there’s a chance your marriage won’t last and you’ll effectively be a single mum, harder with 4 than 3. I’d stop where you are. It was stupid to have a vasectomy without at least the intent it’d be permanent

Yes, consider having 4 young adults who may want to go to uni or have trouble finding jobs/ moving out when AI takes over.

I've only ever been pregnant in my 30s and all mine were easy. I think it just depends on the specific pregnancy rather than your age.

I’m one of four. Don’t do it. Particularly don’t do it after a gap when they’ve got used to being a three. Don’t get me wrong I love my siblings but it would have been easier if we’d been four or five in the family instead of six.

You’ll need a bigger car and probably a bigger house, particularly if you have three girls/boys and one of the other. We were in a four bed but it would had been easier if there had been two bathrooms and five bedrooms. It is much more expensive than you think.

But money aside, it’s actually parental attention that is spread too thin. My parents then suggested having a foster child. I was told I could say no, but I knew my view wouldn’t count. Fortunately they were turned down for lack of space. Had they been approved I would have been even more desperately unhappy. Particularly if a child had serious emotional problems.

Your DH had a vasectomy for a reason. Last night was a single conversation. Wait at least six months and have many more conversations, and if he is pressuring you, it might be a form of control.

But seriously, don’t have a fourth, Enjoy your three.

Quit while you are ahead.
You never know what might happen with number four and you have three healthy children.
If you wait five years your youngest will be at school and life with primary age kids is infinitely easier than under fives, I'd be very surprised if you wanted to go right back to baby drudgery then.

Having said that I had my first at 38 and second at 40. DH was 46 and 48.
It was fine physically but difficult mentally getting used to a baby after 20 child free years with DH. I have wanted a third but we decided to stop at two healthy children.

Yeah if you want that for yourself then that's reasonable. More than reasonable!

And if you agree with him re fostering or adoption then there really is no need to worry about either of your biological capabilities in the future.

But you have also probably plenty of time to have another bio kid even if you leave it a few years. Four is quite a lot. You may both mutually decide actually the family is complete.

Tbh you often need a people carrier for 3 anyway and holidays are pretty similar given you've already purchased an extra room for the 5th person.

I spent the ages of 14-17 partying and doing a lot of drugs, so I don’t really want to party anymore (bar the odd Saturday night pint and karaoke at the old man pub). I do have hobbies, I knit, which teenage me would think is lame but is actually very cool. I do understand it’s a different lifestyle choice than a lot of people, and I get a lot of people my age tell me it’s their worst nightmare which is a bit weird to say imo but I kind of understand. I am very happy just doing what I’m doing and I understand that a lot of people kind of yearn for “more” out of life but I think I’ve absolutely lucked out thus far. My day to day life is so much better than what I thought it would be when I was a kid and sometimes I kind of think that considering that I’m relatively mediocre I’m very very lucky.

I would maybe like to travel a bit, but I feel like I’ve got plenty of time for that down the road and there’s only a finite amount of time I can have children. I am by no means saying at 27 my time to have kids is running out btw I want to make that clear.

I think lots of couples fall down on contraception; at least you’re honest about it! But 3 kids, possibly going to university or doing an internship, will require increased financial support as they grow up, especially if you want to give them holidays and driving lessons.

Had my first at 37 and my second at 41. I didn't notice a difference between how I felt or coped during my pregnancies and I manged as well as co-workers who were in their mid 20s and early 30s. I don't think what your mum said should be a deciding factor. There are lots of other things to consider and take in to account, but putting off until early 30s because you want a break and thinking you may be too old shouldn't be one of them in my opinion.

honestly, you're being a bit silly. pregnant at 30 is not a later pregnancy, you're not a geriatric mom, your body isn't starting to close down and wither away. many many women haven't even started having kids at that age and you're talking about it like 30 is near pensionable age. I had twins at 37.

Having a vasectomy as birth control is pretty silly. yes, it can be reversed but it isn't guaranteed
he could have the reversal and you may never get pregnant. in what ways are you not good with condoms? allergic, "it doesn't feel as good" or just don't bother?

I think if a bio child is even a consideration, I'd get the vasectomy reversed earlier rather than later and work on a suitable birth control.

do you have the space and support to foster or adopt? is there room for them to have their own room, do you have capacity to take on children with unspecified extra needs?