AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

As a mum of 3, I can’t understand why someone would adopt baby number 4. Or, to be completely honest, why they’d want baby number 4. It makes everything more expensive, more awkward (car space, finding childcare). Three is hard enough.

Would your career or job be manageable with another baby? Do you have space in your house?

Whats feeding the drive for another? Is it a gender thing and you want to try again for one of the opposite gender?

Think about if things did not go perfectly with the forth, baby is unwell, you are unwell, complications etc. would you have the stamina to go through it? Or would you regret having done it?

I think its really sad that people plan children like they are a fashion accessory. You are lucky to be able to have children. At 27 you are both very young to be thinking this way.

Just as a mum with three close in age and then an age gap - don't underestimate how much more work you have to put into planning company and play for the youngest. I do feel sorry for our little lad, the older ones are great with him and we have loads of playdates but he misses out on the sibling fun the older crew had. Makes me quite sad!!

@Fourthchildmusings

I may be a right old cynic, but I'm getting 'he wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant' vibes. Why on earth does he suddenly want a fourth child now?

I'm seeing red flags here. He wants to keep you chained to the washing machine and kitchen sink. You're only in your mid 20s and already have 3 kids, and your husband wants you to have a fourth one?

No, just no. Stick at three.

Don’t worry about these kind of comments OP - so many people live in a bubble and can’t believe a woman with actual agency could possibly choose a life they wouldn’t.

It sounds like you have a good life with a supportive husband who loves babies!

OP has spent her teenage years doing drugs and partying. And then her 20s having babies and looking after young children.

She may have chosen the life she has, but equally she has a very narrow world view and has not explored any different options. Most people aren't set on their full life path when they are in their mid 20s.

Op uni with tiny kids would never be easy.
History would really only be good if you wanted to go into teaching History. Teaching is a good shout for the holiday cover but it might be less lucrative than your own business. You've clearly got brain power or you'd never have got Advanced Highers.

I honestly get the feeling he's worried about you spreading your wings a wee bit now the LO is hitting nursery age. And I'm glad I'm not alone thinking that.

I think say no to another baby until you are at least 30. And you can decide in a few years if going back for another is a good idea.
Existing kids will be bigger but you'll also have more time for a baby.