AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

[Fourthchildmusings]

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

I know a few parents who had a bit of a gap from having babies in their 20’s.
it’s like a new puppy, it brings hard work and a lot of joy. Especially seeing the older ones looking out for the new arrival.
Have the break.

I’m 39 and have an 11 year old and 9 year old… my partner asked me if I’d consider another a baby and realistically I’d be in my 40s with 2 in high school as I was having a new baby… I told him my coil is in for another 4 years so if by some miracle it happens then it’s meant to be but if it was a dealbreaker to find someone else. He also has a child with significant needs and the dynamics work well as we are and told him we need to think about the children we already have.

vastectomy reversals also aren’t usually great for “success” are they? He had one for a reason! How old is he?

Fostering isn’t an option imo if you want another child. It’s looking after other people’s children from anything from 1 night to 18 years and it is a job (a brilliant one, but not as an alternative to parenthood).

I’m a vasectomy reversal baby, but my parents had 2 more so the bigger gap meant we still had each other to grow up with. As adults I am best friends with one of my siblings who is actually 10 years older than me.

On one hand I think age gaps are totally fine so why rush it as you’re so young. On the other hand you are not child free until you’re 30 as you have a 2 year old plus others so if you are already in the trenches why not just finish the job now.

But if it were me, I’d leave a gap.

I am being nosy but, as a parent of a young adult struggling to live independently and support himself on one salary, I cannot help but wonder what you and your DH do for a job at 27 and 26 to earn enough for a family of 5 and to plan to increase it to 6.

3 kids, vasectomy and now wanting a reversal all by 26 is a lot, I think even he needs to just wait a few years because he’s obviously not that clear on what he wants himself. Reversals aren’t guaranteed anyway so he may have already ruined his own fertility at such a young age, I’m surprised a doctor agreed really. I think go with your plan, wait a few years and then decide either way, I recommend neither of you commit to having another or not because you don’t need to decide yet and are both undecided anyway

Mine are 14, 10 (nearly 11) and 7 so roughly 3 years between each
Sometimes finding things that entertain the 14 year old and the 7 year old is really hard as there’s a big gap so my advice to you would be to consider it sooner rather then later.

Also I think as 32, 35 and 39 when I had my kids and I can definately say that the older I got, the harder it was - plus having other kids to look after too added to that.

To be honest there is no guarantee that the vasectomy reversal will work either and there is likely to be a wait for this (unless you go private)

If it was me it would be a “now or never” situation I think. I’d only planned 2, my 3rd was a surprise when my coil became loose after weight loss! But I love 3 however had I been 10 years younger would absolutely have considered a 4th.

good luck whatever you decide x

Also vasectomy reversal success rates are very high, but lessen as time goes on. Still another 3 years will still mean a very good chance.

A vasectomy reversal is not offered on the NHS so you would need be pay privately, and the chances of sperm returning decreases each year since the vasectomy. If you do want a chance at another biological child, he is better having the vasectomy reversed sooner rather than later even if you put off TTC for another few years.

It’s also hard, though rewarding, work. Why not do some training sessions together now?

Why does he want a 4th?

I really wouldn’t have a 4th. Having teens is really demanding. I wish I had known that the real parenting begins then and not when are little tots. Enjoy and look after the dc you have, live a little now you have finished. There is much more to life than churning out babies op. Surely you would like some time to yourself?

My coworker is 27 with 3 children, I suppose depending on where you live it’s doable.

No guarantees the reversal will work or that you will be allowed to adopt or foster. I am not sure a family with three children will be seen as the best candidates for adoption and fostering. Personally I would say no.

My circumstances are very similar to yours.
I have 4 children. I had my first when I was 20 years old and my last when I was 30.
There is a 2 years and 8 month gap between DC1 and DC2.
And 2 years and 8 months gap between DC2 and DC3.
Then a 4 years and 6 months gap between DC3 and DC4.

Despite having an almost 10 year age gap, DC 1 and 4 get on well and often go on holiday together.

Personally I'd get it out the way with, so to speak! Your youngest is still little, I'd much rather have another whilst still in the headspace of having little children rather than getting used to life with children with increasing independence and starting all over again! That's just me though

It is doable of course but depends on whether the parents are earning enough for such a big family (my question was genuine) or doing minimum hours and the rest is benefits.

Also once all kids are in school you might enjoy doing all the stuff that you haven't been able to do.

You’re 27 with 3 kids and you’ve spent the best years being your 20’s just bearing and raising children. No wonder you want to do normal things like go out and have some freedom.
No Need for a 4th at your ages.

I’ve never been pregnant in my 20s but had a pregnancy in my early 30s and one in my late 30s and they were both grand . Mild morning sickness and needing to pee a lot in the end . I assume people in their 20s have the same issues . Most people in their 30s have healthy young bodies well fit for pregnancy

Oh okay - my coworker is the latter. I’m not sure about her partner, but I’m fairly confident it’s about the same.

I mean a vasectomy is supposed to be seen as permanent rather than just have it for a couple of years then reverse it. It will be expensive and it is worse than the original op.

We had three by the time dh was 27 and dh got snipped. Wild horses and a million pounds couldn’t make me go for a 4th. I’d always said once our youngest was in school that’s it shops shut I was not going back to nappies and sleepless night after getting rid of them.

Also a bigger age gap makes the child more like an only because they don’t have playmates their age at home and yes I know not all siblings get along but generally they can muddle along. It also makes trips out harder trying to cater to everyone, as while the older ones can enjoy say Alton towers the toddler can’t so much and someone’s always got to then stand off holding the toddler. Just adds extra layers.

Rather than thinking if you can afford it now, it might be worth thinking about if worst case scenario happened, you and DH split up, he didnt pay for the kids, one of you got ill etc. How would that work financially (and you need to take out the 'he would pay child support' element, just really worse case scenario it)

I know two families w 4 kids - both well off in large houses, driving big cars and dealing w quite a lot of issues w their kids over the years.

I have two DC, now adults. I thought about no3 when the youngest started school but I decided to go back to work instead. Right decision.

Are you selfish for not wanting to out your body and mind through another pregnancy, labour and breastfeeding??

NO.

Your husband sounds like a good egg, but you both need to be all in for any child, let alone a 4th. Especially you as the one who grows and births it.

Enjoy the rest of your twenties and see how you feel in a few years. You'll never get this time back again.

I had 3 at ages 26, 29 and 34. I didn’t want them closer hence the 5 year gap. Ideally I would have had them all by age 30. I would give it a few years and maybe consider adoption since you’re open to that option. I am hoping if things work out for us we may adopt but unlike you I am 40 with a 13, almost 11 and 5 year old.
Also with those ages, you are soon going to be stuck in loads of homework, sports, etc and on top of that work and running a home between the two of you. That takes a lot of time and effort, I know you have family but it is a lot of organising.

😂😂😂