Best friend has made an issue about my DH’s joke over dinner

[Berniewe]

We met friends (another couple) at an Indian restaurant last night. My friend ordered a particularly hot curry which we remarked on. DH made a joke along the lines of ‘that’s the face-sitting off the cards tonight’ to which we both laughed as did my friends husband.

Driving home, I could see she messaged me. I got back to read it and she said she thought DH had set out to humiliate her and she expects an apology.

Is it me or has she gone very OTT here?!

Gross. There are people on MN whose humour is just so different to that of me and my friends. I simply can’t image any friend making such a crude joke like this.

That’s gross. If any of my friends’ husbands thought it, they never would’ve said it with the wives there.. really disrespectful.

You’re not responsible for the comment but you’re responsible for sitting laughing at it and tolerating that comment from your DH.

i wouldn’t consider myself uptight or prudish in the slightest but would find that a disgusting comment for a friends DH to make at the dinner table

I think the comment is a bit much but it’s not your job to police your DHs language. She should have spoken up at the time and shut it down. If her own DH also laughed, is this typical of their humour and on this occasion she’s responded differently? Or would she never find a comment like this funny?

A 'joke' isn't a joke if it's at someone else's expense. His back ground isn't a reason he was vulgar, so don't make excuses for him. The reason is his rude and crass personality.

Plenty of people with the same background and working in a trade are well brought up, self aware, have manners and don't constantly use the toilet humour of a 15 year old.

It may be how you both interact at home so best to keep your type of humour there. Also not a good 'joke' to make when people are eating anyway!

It’s not something I’d find that funny or something DH would say, but there are approx 8.4 billion of us on earth? Surely people having different humour to you and your friendship group isn’t wildly surprising?

What is it with these “just bants” men recently? It’s embarrassing

Well clearly it’s not just MN if you’ve upset your best friend over this and refuse to admit you’re wrong

🤢

I would as well.

Chubby Brown type of humour really isn’t it. Some people love it and think this type of thing is hilarious, some find it it very embarrassing and depending on how it’s delivered, humiliating to be on the receiving end of.

I once had a friends dh make a “joke” about how I might “suck dick” based on the way I ate something at a pic nic. Gross and a bit creepy. I didn’t laugh and he said I was being childish when I just stopped eating. Turns out his sense of humour worked one way, he didn’t it was “just a joke” when he was later sucking on an ice pole and I’d said he looks like he’s had a lot of practice at sucking poles. He chucked his ice pole in the bin and stormed off and his wife said I’d gone too far.

I like a laugh as much as the next person but if my husband said something like this I would not find it funny and I’d be telling him so!

My DH is a tradesman, works with men all day and grew up in the 90’s on a very rough council estate but I can’t imagine him saying something like that to someone

OP, gently, why did you bother setting up this thread if you genuinely believe your friend is being unreasonable? Something about it must be sitting uncomfortably for you.

I think your reaction depends on how much you value the friendship, and whether or not you think the joke was crass is almost beside the point.

To me is is really simple: it seems like you and your husband share a sense of humour (this is great, it's nice to laugh with people you love), you thought your friend shared that sense of humour but you misjudged it, she didn't, and she's told you that. Your options are to laugh it off or apologise. You call her your best friend, so it seems that it's a relationship worth saving.

FWIW I would be deeply uncomfortable too, and for those who are calling us Protestant pearl clutchers (my paraphrase), I think you're missing the point. It's not about whether the joke was crass, but whether or not it was socially appropriate, and the life skill to know when and how to make those sorts of comments. OP and her husband got it wrong, and now they need to decide what to do about it.

Edited to add: There are currently four million people in social housing in the UK, and many more who grew up in it. It's not an excuse for vulgarity

I'm in the trades. I'm used to working with lads on building sites, at the wholesalers and in the pub afterwards and NO-ONE has ever said anything like this within earshot of me, infront of me and certainly not about me while I was there. Don't make excuses for him. I'm so glad attitudes like this are dying out. Your other half.... He's not that plumber wannabee MP from Makerfield who commented on Carol Vorderman is he?

Why did she message you? Because maybe she was hoping that as a female (I assume, but I suppose you could be a bloke) you also wouldn't appreciate intimate jokes about another woman's vagina and sex life. As she already probably felt humiliated and embarrassed I'm guessing she didn't feel up to confronting your husband directly, and hoped you might have a word and explain why what he said crossed a line.

What is today with dirty pervy other halves? 😩

I’d feel quite violated if a “joke” like that was aimed at me.
I wouldn’t want to see either of you again.
If she’s given an opportunity to apologise then of course he should, and then he should grow the fuck up. Vile pig.

That's a pretty disgusting unwitty comment.

Ha, I’m a lorry driver’s daughter, married to a motor mechanic and work in a carehome, people’s background is nowt to do with it. Making jokes like that is gross - it’s a double whammy, a joke about her bodily functions plus bringing her sex life into it. Over the dinner table. Gross.
Does your DH do performance farting too.

it’s a crappy attempt at humour but I can’t say I’d be offended. I d just think what a twat your dh was for making such a stupid comment and then I’d forget about it.

If I accidentally upset and humiliated someone while trying to be funny, I'd apologise because I'd genuinely be sorry. And also really embarrassed that I'd failed so hard at being funny.

Why isn't your husband sorry to have upset her, and embarrassed to have failed at being funny?

FFS, why would he say something that gross? Is he as thick as mince?

That's your first comment after your initial post? Making it about yourself rather than acknowledging your friend's feelings?

You're very crass and both vile.

I probably wouldn't text for an apology, but I'd be distancing myself from future dinners with you. My husband is a very salt of the Earth Northerner but I've never had any jokes about my genitals or our sex life when out with his family or friends. Being used to him talking like this doesn't mean it's not still pretty rude.

Total Crass

There’s loads aren’t there. All follow the same format as well