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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

657 replies

Notmynameforthis · 28/07/2026 11:35

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

OP posts:
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7
Toomucktoo · 28/07/2026 13:32

BeetrootLentilsGoatsCheese · 28/07/2026 12:53

Your posts are offensive to all the ND people who manage not to beat up their mums.

You are coming across like a violence apologist and it's not nice to read.

Agree !

0Thatsplenty0 · 28/07/2026 13:32

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:04

Yep he does. Asking him to move out is fine, police and moving is way over the top.

There needs to be far more details given before you can leap to either of those suggestions however the op has gone silent.

No there doesn't need to be more details given at all. He's a violent man, that's it. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:32

Notmynameforthis · 28/07/2026 13:31

He has hit my husband in the past , my husband is a work all day so it is easier for him. His advice to me is he will be gone in a few days and I know for my own safety he can’t come back.

We have made too many excuses for him over the years, I know plenty of people who have ADHD and other ND but don’t suffer like us . Perhaps they do behind closed doors just like us.

What lead up to him hitting your husband? Have either of you ever pushed or hit him?

ThisWiseRobin · 28/07/2026 13:33

Listen lady, you've had like 8 pages of advice here and you are still making excuses. It seems he is an adult who has never had limits pit on him. His in major s£%% in the future as if he treats others like this he is likely to get the hiding he deserves.
Change the locks cut him off and get himout of your life. How many times ???

PearsandAlmonds · 28/07/2026 13:33

I have a family member who has three children. Two of them are lovely, but her eldest son, who is now an adult, has proved to be a deeply disruptive individual. Even as a small child, he would deliberately and maliciously cause chaos in the household.

He intentionally injured visitors while pretending it was clumsiness or a mistake, and he deliberately damaged items of which he was jealous, such as his cousin's toys or his uncle's new car. You could guarantee that if he saw something desirable that belonged to someone else, he would find a way to 'accidentally' damage it.

He stole genuinely sentimental items because he enjoyed witnessing the grief caused by their loss. His desire to provoke his parents, even as a very young child, was almost pathological. Anything new or exciting in the household was always damaged or stolen. (I stayed there for a couple of days once RIP a pair of earrings I was incredibly fond of)

The eldest daughter never kept any of her personal possessions at home; she kept everything of value at a friend's house because she knew that when he was in a bad mood, he derived deep joy from the destruction of something that somebody else held value in.

It became progressively worse when he became a teenager and discovered alcohol and drugs, taking to them like a duck to water. He was regularly involved in fights, and his poor behaviour brought danger to the family home in the form of people throwing bricks through the windows after having disputes with him.

He violently assaulted his siblings and wider family members. He would break doors and smash windows if people didn't let him in immediately. He set fire to a neighbour's house ( allegedly) because that neighbour reported him to the police for a disturbance in the road and welfare concerns.

His mother and father were between a rock and a hard place because if they called the police on him and he was charged, then that would make him considerably less employable and more likely to never ever leave their house.

So they had him assessed for every condition they could. Especially as there was no triggering reason for this behaviour, but social services threw their hands up and said that he was at home and well cared for and that was the end of that.

He went away for a lads' holiday on some Greek island (From money likely gained by dealing drugs), and while he was gone, they moved house — They moved the family to a whole different country on very short notice, didn't contact anybody, didn't tell anybody where they went. Abandoned their house ( which, to be fair, was in negative equity) and decided to start again.

They still live abroad to this day.

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:33

0Thatsplenty0 · 28/07/2026 13:32

No there doesn't need to be more details given at all. He's a violent man, that's it. What the fuck is wrong with you?

He pushed somebody out of his bedroom and threatened to pour milk on a sofa.

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2026 13:34

I thought the only acceptable amount of abuse is ZERO! Why are so many people excusing the actions of this vile abuser?

LeaderBee · 28/07/2026 13:35

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2026 13:34

I thought the only acceptable amount of abuse is ZERO! Why are so many people excusing the actions of this vile abuser?

Because OP has given us no context for why he is acting this way and might be acting out of frustration?

getupdostuffgotobed · 28/07/2026 13:35

Notmynameforthis · 28/07/2026 11:54

He is gay so I know he won’t be in a relationship with a woman. We are just going to sit tight as a poster said above . I want him gone next week. He doesn’t have keys and I will not be contacting him.

Being gay is no excuse - he may have unresolved issues related to this - but at 20 he should know better - and be able to get in touch with agencies that could help him.

Same sex relationships can also be blighted with domestic violence and you could still end up with grand children.

From what you say this isn’t the first time and maybe it’s time for you to seek out groups that can help you.

And as others have said - involve the Police. Ask their advice.

If needs be prosecute then so be it, but at the least get your concerns down on paper.

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2026 13:37

LeaderBee · 28/07/2026 13:35

Because OP has given us no context for why he is acting this way and might be acting out of frustration?

So if my son or husband beats me out of frustration, that's fine?
What context justifies domestic abuse for you?

Dollymylove · 28/07/2026 13:37

Why is your husband allowing him to physically attack you?
He should be marching him out of the house and changing the locks!!

walrushurricane · 28/07/2026 13:38

This reply has been deleted

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CatLandOffTheA3 · 28/07/2026 13:39

Notmynameforthis · 28/07/2026 11:41

I know I should call the police but I haven’t got the courage. I know that I should be ashamed of my self, he is in university in a different country so come next week he will be gone.

Sell up and move before his next break.

Only half kidding. You need proper Police support with this and maybe other agencies as well. This could end up far worse than you ever imagined.

Ethelspagetti · 28/07/2026 13:40

38woman · 28/07/2026 11:39

I would report to the police - and I would change the locks when he returns to university. And of course you should cut him off financially.

I agree. Report to the police in case he causes a disturbance when he returns next. Do not give him new keys nor let him back in. Message him when he returns to university to explain that he can no longer return home due to his violent behaviour. If he wants his things they can be sent to his address. Stay strong. My brother was very violent with our parents and myself. He damaged a lot of furnishings out of revenge for being told to keep tidy etc. It was hard work removing him from the property. Our parents pretended to move house in the end, he believed it and left. Our parents stayed put! They said they would never have him back again, no matter the circumstances. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong 💪 💐

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:40

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2026 13:37

So if my son or husband beats me out of frustration, that's fine?
What context justifies domestic abuse for you?

She hasn’t given any details about beating just of pushing her out of the room and threatening to pour milk on a new sofa.

Apparantly he has hit her husband in the past however OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

BashfulClam · 28/07/2026 13:42

Notmynameforthis · 28/07/2026 13:31

He has hit my husband in the past , my husband is a work all day so it is easier for him. His advice to me is he will be gone in a few days and I know for my own safety he can’t come back.

We have made too many excuses for him over the years, I know plenty of people who have ADHD and other ND but don’t suffer like us . Perhaps they do behind closed doors just like us.

I have ADHD and would never dream of hitting my family. Please speak to the police even once he’s gone about how to protect yourselves from him.

Haikuing · 28/07/2026 13:42

Call the police and get him out of your house OP. The statistics around the increasing number of men harming and killing their own mothers is concerning. Get him out of your house, change the locks and don’t let him return. If he wants to be an abusive bastard he can fund his own life.

flapjackfairy · 28/07/2026 13:44

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:40

She hasn’t given any details about beating just of pushing her out of the room and threatening to pour milk on a new sofa.

Apparantly he has hit her husband in the past however OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

well she doesn't owe you that

Haikuing · 28/07/2026 13:44

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:40

She hasn’t given any details about beating just of pushing her out of the room and threatening to pour milk on a new sofa.

Apparantly he has hit her husband in the past however OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

She literally says she has bruises again. What is it with male apologists on MN lately?

Gengha · 28/07/2026 13:44

Jesus he sounds horrendous. Poor you. My son is 20 and I can’t even imagine him behaving like this.

Change the locks when he’s gone and cut all ties.

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:45

flapjackfairy · 28/07/2026 13:44

well she doesn't owe you that

Well if she wants informed advice when posting on an AIBU thread she does.

LeaderBee · 28/07/2026 13:45

Haikuing · 28/07/2026 13:44

She literally says she has bruises again. What is it with male apologists on MN lately?

I'd ask the same thing about all the people willing to write him off as an abuser without the full story.

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2026 13:46

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:40

She hasn’t given any details about beating just of pushing her out of the room and threatening to pour milk on a new sofa.

Apparantly he has hit her husband in the past however OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

Oh, that's okay then. He may have very valid reasons for being violent to his parents, so OP should just tread on eggshells and let him carry on.

Every time someone is being abused, I'll check the context in which it started.
Did you provoke him?
Did his parents abuse him?
Is he ND?

YES to any of the above, and I'll tell them to excuse him, because it's learned behaviour/you provoked him/he's ND.

Kmdt.

flapjackfairy · 28/07/2026 13:47

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:45

Well if she wants informed advice when posting on an AIBU thread she does.

not from people who want to blame her with no evidence at all

Ohdearnotthisagain · 28/07/2026 13:47

Jet555 · 28/07/2026 13:40

She hasn’t given any details about beating just of pushing her out of the room and threatening to pour milk on a new sofa.

Apparantly he has hit her husband in the past however OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

Weird abuser apologist.

I would wait until he goes back to uni, then get the locks changed and cut him off. Then report him to the police. I would not go to the police before he leaves the country.

Frankly I’d think about moving, even if it means renting out your house and renting elsewhere.