AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

The bruise is from last week when he grabbed he very tightly and dragged me around the room. When he was here at Christmas he smashed his phone onto my hand and I was left we a big black bruise. I have even attended A and E in the past when he stamped on my finger and broke it , I said I fell. He was broken the TV, computers , doors etc etc. it’s beyond difficult when it’s your only child.

I actually thought when he came out things might be better, they are worse if anything.

So you are okay with the fact that a man will get beaten up by him, but it's okay because it's not a woman? Jeez. Just report the little sod and protect other human beings.

Don't do anything to antagonize him, ie, bringing him his dishes. Do what you and your husband decided, just get through until he leaves in the next couple of weeks. He sounds dangerous.

But ok from people who want to witch hunt with very little evidence and next to no detail.

Stop trying to make a woman responsible for male behaviour. He is a grown up. He should not be violent towards his parents. If his parents were abusive then he can stand on his own two feet and leave, can’t he?

What leads to these outbursts? Have you ever pushed or been physical to him?

Where on earth is she making excuses?

Also has he suffered from any traumas, had mental health support?

Yes, i'd like to know too.
People aren't generally violent for no reason whatsoever. (with exceptions)

Say you're right and his parents are devils. Do you know what he can do at 20 years old?
Choose to be a better human being than them.
Leave their home, so he's not abusing them and vice versa.
There'll be no witch to hunt then.

Wtf are you all about?

The kid has beaten his mother. She doesn’t want to put up with it, and nor should she have to, irrespective of whatever made up narrative you have convinced yourself is going on.

And being ND is zero excuse my kids are both ND one ASD and one ADHD and never in their life have they been violent

I have asked several times to no avail.

Also wondering if he’s suffered from any traumas, is the op sure nothing has happened to him?

Please can you explain the events that led to you getting the bruise on your arm?

Still not really addressed what you have done to try to help your child over the years. You are describing consequences - I am more interested in causes.

Stop antagonising him by following him around with dishes! If you are scared of him, why would you do that?

Sometimes ND people struggle to regulate their emotions and have violent outbursts at something that might seem minimal to other people.

Nonsense. She said that he is verbally physically abusive to her and her husband, that he has hit both of them, she has bruises caused by him, and he is very aggressive. Why are you trying to minimise this?

Call the police OP. It's hard, it's horrible, it will break your heart. I've been there, I know how incredibly difficult and painful it is. You are doing nobody - you and his dad included - any favours whatsoever by allowing this to carry on.

I know "allowing" feels like a loaded word, because you're not wilfully choosing for him to behave this way, but by choosing not to take action, you're enabling this.

As parents one of our jobs is to teach our children that actions have consequences, and that doesn't stop once they reach 18. He needs to understand that the consequences for violence against another person don't just stop at losing his home or allowance, the law is also clear about this being wrong.

If he gets a conviction, so be it. The practical advantages for you may be that if his violence is on record things like restraining orders and so on could be implemented to protect you.

I can understand why you'd want to move so he can't find you, but it's drastic that you would consider leaving your home to escape him. If you're that frightened, you will be anxious of him wherever you are. Better that the threat he poses is on record to facilitate swift action in future if needed.

(FWIW my relative who I had to report - multiple times - eventually matured and understood why I did what I did. We now have a safe, considered and understanding grown up relationship)

8 pages in and there has not been any aknowlegement of causes, i doubt we will get one.

I could guess that mum is very controlling and the kid is sick of her ( bringing dishes to his room reinforces that do it my way or no way attitude)

Strict parent with overly restrictive rules? could be that too.

all stuff that mum won't admit to if she doesn't think she's in the wrong.

And just to be clear for anyone reading this - i'm not victim blaming anyone, it would just be nice to have some additional context for why her boy is acting this way.

Then you’ll be aware such behaviours will be coming from somewhere-at such a young age there is statistically far more to it- learnt behaviour, , MH struggles,abuse or trauma.

At the very least I’d be trying to unpick it and getting him some support. If he’s been that difficult all his life, were CAMHS involved, did you get him assessed privately by a psych, try therapy….

Have you and your DH considered getting a restraining order so that he cannot return home? Otherwise, how will you physically prevent him from entering your house again once he's back at university?

Oh that's true but unless i have missed something, mum hasn't confirmed he is ND? If so, would have thought that was pertinent information to offer up in the first few posts.

You need to call the police!! NOW and every single time he’s threatening or abusive to you!! THAT is the only way he will take any notice of it have any impact on him! You need to do that for HIM and his long twem self as well as yourself and any future partners of your son!

They’re going to be sick to the back teeth of op if she rings every time he doesn’t do his washing up immediately.

This. Move whilst he is away.
Block him on everything. You would do this if he were an abusive partner, husband or any other family member. My (abusive) relatives do not know my address and never will.
Him being your son doesn't mean you owe your life to his violence.