AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

So can we have more details please as requested further down the thread .

Nobody is victim blaming as far as I can see, anything that might look like that is because we've only got one side of the story and no explanation for his behaviour.

No, it’s overwhelmingly a male issue. You won’t find very much domestic abuse and lesbian couples, but you will find an awful lot of it in gay couples.

Why is your husband allowing his son to hurt his mother? You both need to stand up to him!!

So when a guy hits his wife is that ok because we only got her side of story. No it’s not.

Could be because he's a violent abuser.

When he leaves will you be messaging him to tell him not to come back?do you think he will ignore you?

We have both tried many times.

Change your locks when he goes. Inform the police of what has been happening. Never deal with him again.

The shame is not yours to bear. Your son should be ashamed of his own behaviour and should regret it. In order for him to understand how his behaviour affects others, he needs to know that there are consequences for him.

The only way now for that to happen is for you to report your injuries and the other abuse to the police. They will be able to remove him from your home. Don't ever let him back in.

He has already been told that he is not welcome back,the money being cut of will bother him. He thinks we give in as in the past , we won’t this time.

The bruise appears to be here for those who can't see it, but a few days old and faded. The 'huge lump' on her wrist is just her wrist bone. I have the exact same on both wrists and I'm not underweight.

If it was AI, then the bruise would be the feature of the pic, and probably overexaggerated. It looks more like a right handed person trying to take a photo with their left hand of a bruise that's a few days old.

You call the Police and explain the situation. They will put certain protections in place for you.

He needs to survive on his own now. You have done your bit

I suspect autism and/or adhd

I think I would move house tbh and not give the buyers an address. People move to get rid of abusers, this is no different. But I would contact the police when gone to make sure he can't use them to find you.

Depends, did he hit her because she was an abuser and was defending himself?

just imagine if the roles were reversed, i'm pretty sure 99% of people here would say that it was OK for a wife to hit her husband if he had done the same.

But we're talking about what ifs here that have nothing to do with the OPs topic.

too many people willing to jump in and say OP is in the right without knowing what is going on behind closed doors.

Change the locks

I know this doesn’t answer your immediate question but I am wondering what on earth led up to this state of affairs and what you did when he was a minor to assist him.

How awful for you and your husband. Does he hit his dad? What does his father do when this is all going on?

I echo calling the police. The shame is his, and while you're shielding him, he doesn't need to face up to it. He needs consequences , just as if he was abusing a partner or others.

Rarely do they appear out of nowhere and nothing.

Agree with others, please call the police. Also, you need to consider the bigger picture - there needs to be a record in case a potential future partner makes a Claire's Law application. Please consider it, his behaviour could literally kill someone.

Still next to no info.

I don't think we can know what is going on with this man but nothing can justify assault .
I don't think theres any reason to make the assumption that the OP is "giving him a lot of stick for being gay"

What- pushing somebody with a pile
of crockery clearly very heightened who had followed him out of his bedroom and threatening to put milk on a “new” sofa.

He has hit my husband in the past , my husband is a work all day so it is easier for him. His advice to me is he will be gone in a few days and I know for my own safety he can’t come back.

We have made too many excuses for him over the years, I know plenty of people who have ADHD and other ND but don’t suffer like us . Perhaps they do behind closed doors just like us.