AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Sorry as I haven’t read all the comments (just OPs). Please consider contacting a local domestic abuse charity for support. You are the victim of adult child to parent abuse.

https://www.college.police.uk/article/support-child-parent-abuse#:~:text=Child%20to%20parent%20abuse%20(CPA,caregivers%20beyond%20a%20single%20incident.

I am not "trying to shame the OP for not being ND aware", and I don't know where you got that notion from.

We don't know this young man's condition. We don't know if he is ND, has ASPD, BPD, or untreated depression or bipolar, or something else.

She is reacting like any parent would when one of their children is ignoring requests like that.

What parent tries to shame their adult son into doing a few dishes left unwashed by taking them up to their room?

More to the point, what parent who is afraid for their own physical safety would do this? How important are a few unwashed dishes. It's bizarre behaviour.

OP children can do evil things. It always gives me hives when people on mumsnet say "but he's only a 5 year old with additional needs, his classmates can't be his/her victims. He just needs his needs met".

Life tells us different. Recently in France a serial rapist was convicted. He raped for the first time at the age of 6.

Your son didn't necessarily get his violence from anywhere. People can have evil natures. I we don't like to admit this as people like to think they're ultimately in control. But we're not. t's not your fault.

He's mot necessarily beyond redemption either. There just needs to be a religious / near death / moment of reckoning to trigger it. But at this point probably calling the police is still the best decision before he sadly commits a serious crime.

It's really not offensive at all.

As the parent of 3 ND people I was fully aware that I could induce a meltdown or outburst at any point, just by being overtly confrontational when that person was already at their tolerance limit.

One way to do this would be to take an argument into a safe space and "peck their head" with it.

This does not mean my kids got away with not helping out. We just tackled things in a different way.

I do agree with this. Your own behaviour has caused conflict here. My dd has adhd and is forgetful about things like leaving dishes around but I'd never march up to her room with them. That's always going to escalate conflict. Im not excusing violence but I do think its worth looking at how these situations occur and your own behaviour in this and how they can be avoided. You must be aware as well that if he is AuDHD the disciplinary tactics you would use for NT children just dont work. It sounds like you needed help as a family when he was younger and im really sorry you didn't get it. Would it be worth doing family therapy now instead of selling your house and cutting contact. That just seems insane.

What image?

What would happen if you just tell him not to come back? You aren't responsible for him anymore and sounds like you will be estranged in future. It does seem quite antagonist to take his dishes to his room if he hasn't washed them though!! I don't think many parents would do that!

The one she posted of her bruised arm

Is that a Ganglion Cyst?

I thought it was a picture of a huge lump on her wrist.

If you were assaulted by a random man in the street you would phone the police, how on earth is it way over the top to contact them just because you're related to the person who has assaulted you? 🤔

Looked like a ganglion cyst. No bruising on it either?

Putting dishes outside somones room is incredibly antagonistic.

I thought that!

It is overwhelming a male to female issue.

It wasn’t outside, it was in his room and she clearly wouldn’t leave.

Plenty of DV in same sex relationships.

That sounds bonkers too

Omg that's drastic - you must be in a living hell! How awful.

I would contact the police still though, how would you feel if he started doing this to someone else, or worse?

Really, my arm would you like to see another picture? How dare you, it’s no wonder women suffer in silence me included

Wow the victim blaming is wild here. If he was abusing his wife then comments would be different. No one would be questioning what you did to get hit. I’m sorry you are going through it, please reach out to the police and charities for advice on what to do next.