AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

No they aren’t they’re asking perfectly sensible questions.

I would report to the police and consider moving once he is back at uni.

But none of them really matter. The fundamental issue is OP is being beaten by her son. Prisons are full of troubled men with mental health problems, neurodiversity, difficult backgrounds. They still have to take responsibility for criminal behaviour

I’m sorry I don’t agree with this - I’ve known plenty of children and young adults of both relaxed and firm parenting and in between and few triggers turning into utter pains in the arse, sometimes it’s utterly outside the parents control although how you react and respond of course isn’t -

I have sympathy for you, my sibling is abusive. They were told to leave and were warned if they ever lifted their hands again the police would be called. They rarely contact my mum or I now, I’ve gone no contact. I’m not being a victim to their bullying and manipulation any longer.

change the locks , cut the money and go low contact.

Here's just a few things you have said on this thread. How you can deny blaming the OP is beyond me.

-Have you ever examined your behaviour op?
-Why would you follow a heightened ND young person to his safe space
-Is he being hounded re tidiness?
-I think we need more info re the violence.
-What lead up to him hitting your husband? Have either of you ever pushed or hit him?
-What leads to these outbursts? Have you ever pushed or been physical to him?
-The stamping was a different incident and we don’t have any context re that.
-t’s entirely different to somebody just choosing to stamp on somebody’s finger for zero reason.

I hope there are no younger siblings involved here.

They do matter,hugely. Any way forwards would focus on what got the OP here. Reporting to the police does nothing as regards highlighting and sorting the root cause in order to help the situation and move forwards

The op has been asked several quiet pertinent questions which she repeatedly ignores. This is shortsighted as she asked for opinions.

Those are perfectly pertinent questions. Every one has been ignored thus giving very little information.

I feel for you I really do. My psychopathic sibling is verbally abusive to our parent, they are used as an emotional punch bag, it's horrible for me and I've tried everything over the years, police , adult services etc, but it ends up back at square one because parent enables my sibling. Parent wants sibling there even though they're now elderly and vulnerable, it's like sibling has a hold over them, they still live at home. The amount of times over the years parent has said sibling will have to move out because of aggression, then they go back on their word, parent will protect sibling to the hilt regardless. My point is, don't give in unless you want this for the rest of your life, don't be a martyr, your son will not change. Hugs 💐

You.NEED to call the police imagine him doing this to his future girlfriend or wife he sounds insane !! He could end up killing someone if he is abusing you guys his PARENTS !!!! And change the locks x

Get the house on the market, move and don’t tell him.

Keep safe whilst he’s still in your home OP, try not to be alone with him - perhaps have a very loud personal alarm that neighbours could hear if he does kick off and keep your phone to hand. Please prioritise your and your husbands safety, put in place whatever measures you think are necessary.

I agree with others that once he leaves you should sell the house and move where he can’t find you. Don’t let him know that’s your plans as otherwise he could do something to try to scupper those plans before he leaves this time.

I have huge sympathy for you, I can associate - ignore all the awful people on here who lack any understanding.

Im afraid children are offshoots of their parents and their upbringing, so I do feel that in this case the parents have to take some responsibility for this lads actions.

If the parents and upbringing are responsible for a boy being violent, are they also responsible for children who are good, kind and useful members of society?

You've ignored me asking you several times why you're defending male violence against women so much.

Abusers rely on the shame felt by their victims, especially in familial abuse.
Yanbu op.
You should report the abuse to the police and write a letter/email once they are back at university stating your intentions and reasons.
Change the locks. Pack his room up and send via ups or similar.
There is never any excuse for physical abuse.
Perhaps you could talk to your gp or womens aid?

Asking pertinent questions isn’t defending violence, it gives context and more information. I generally like a bit more information and context before I give advice and opinions. You might want to try it. I also don’t answer over dramatic direct posts I don’t agree with.

This!

He’s dangerous OP.
He’s determined to not to concede to your wishes. And never will now.
Please don’t antagonise him any further. You will never win.
He is way past you being able to teach him a lesson about washing up his dishes.

Keep your distance from him ….to keep him calm until he’s gone.
And make sure your cash, bank cards, electronics and valuables are secure.

Then, when he’s gone, change your locks and get your house fully secure. And don’t support him financially. Protect yourselves physically and financially.

Don't hesitate to call the police if and when he kicks off again.
He's an ignorant bully boy with a lot to learn.
But it’s not your job to teach him while he’s disrespectful and violent.
You do not have to put up with this at all.

Once he's back at university I would write to him and tell him you will continue to send money until end of his degree provided he does not return to live at your home. If he returns you will stop any financial support and report him to police. Photograph any bruises.

If calling the police, if he does this again before you get him to leave, I think you can ask for a specialist Crisis Intervention Team who are trained to deal with people like him in non-escalatory ways. I think you can also call Adult Social Services about the problem of an adult abuser in the family.

I am afraid you are projecting. There may indeed be some underlying issues with OPs son. However she has been learning she has looked to address these. Her priority now should be her safety and her husband's safety.

Addressing these issues would require the son to accept further assessment and treatment. Until he does this the priority should be protection.

Doesn’t there need to have an acute mental health crisis when you call Crisis Intervention Team?

Report him to the police
there needs to be a record of his behaviour if he is hurting you he will hurt others . YOU have a responsibility to do this
report him

Nope I and others are replying to her op. As we’ve said safety is paramount however it’s impossible to advise properly with the very little information that has been given.