AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Call the police and ask them for help removing him. I had to do that myself with my son. The last straw was him standing over me, screaming in my face, threatening me. I'm disabled roughly 5ft6 and he's at least 6ft3. The police arrived quickly and have him time to pack a bag, then removed him.

You need to do something before one of you ends up on hospital.

Op with all due respect and I mean this in the nicest possible way both you and your husband need to step up and stop him doing this to yourselves and someone else.

You need to remove him from your home, inform the police and press charges.

You are making him beleive that his appalling behaviour is acceptable and you are enabling him to not take any accountability for his actions. What lesson are you teaching him?

Just because he is gay doesn't mean he won't be abusive to a future partner, controlling and assaulting a man is just as bad as assaulting a woman.

He will go on to cause someone serious harm and when he does, will you be able to live with the fact that you could have done something to prevent it?

Wtaf am I reading here 😮
Op, please call police on him NOW, you poor soul. If you don't have it in you to do it for yourself think of future partners he may have.
He needs a short, sharp shock before he seriously injures or kills someone.
He may be gay but that absolutely doesn't mean he will not hurt a potential boyfriend.
I don't want to lay anymore onto you with this horrendous situation but please call the police.
Sending a handhold & hugs to you and dh x

I wouldn’t call the police as it could impact on his future, and you will probably suffer even more in the long run because he might not be able to get a job, and will then try and be reliant on you even more so. You need to get rid of the problem, not let this be an ongoing situation.

In all honesty it will probably be your word against his anyway.

Once he’s gone in a few days time, let that be the end of it.

Leave him be and bite your tongue hard. Keep in mind the end game. You are so so close 💐

The photo of your arm, what is it supposed to show? I cannot see anything but perhaps I am missing something.

If your son manages to contain his temper at university, with friends and/or place of work, then he's capable of control. It shows that he's deliberately allowing himself to lose control at home.

When ND children have meltdowns at home but not at school, it's considered 'masking', likely due to being on the Autism spectrum, and home/parents being their safe space, so they let all those overwhelming feelings out.

The difference being, that your son didn't engage with an assessment, and in fact treated it like a game. He's now a grown adult, and these temper tantrums that he had as a child, are now worse, and he's violent with them. Yes, he's likely Autistic and probably has PDA or similar, but even if he had a diagnosis, it might explain the behaviour but it's not going to stop it.

Personally, I feel that you do need to report the incidents to the police. Even if they are left on file. Your son has the potential to be abusive to anyone, but especially someone he's in a relationship with. A man in a same-sex relationship can be just as abusive as one in a hetrosexual relationship. There's really no difference.

Parents have nothing to do with uni applications.

What was your childhood like op?

What do the rest of your family think and what advice did the school therapist give? Have you tried anything other than that?

Phone the police on the thug. Imagine if he attacked some one at uni I doubt they would let him get away with it. Sorry your going thru this.

Oh come on, at least read the OP's posts before asking questions. Also, your post is really, really bizarre.

There are lots of things that can help with PDA.Many people with it learn to manage it with support.

Since when do you have to give character references for your kids before they get into Uni?

she also said it’s in another country, so hopefully you’ll be safe.

No judgement from me about what has been happening and you’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. You haven’t done anything to deserve this.

BUT… You have no idea what he will do if you cut him off financially, don’t respond to his attempts to contact you and don’t back down or give in. I expect you never thought he’d hit you until the first time he did. You can’t guarantee that he won’t be violent to anyone else if he feels angry enough.

You need to stop treating this like it’s something to be kept behind closed doors. You have a responsibility to anyone who buys your home. Can you imagine they go off shopping, he breaks in, in a fury, not knowing you aren’t there, and they come home to find an out of control young man smashing their home up? If you don’t warn them, that is something you really should be judged for.

I think you need to be very careful about what you do next. If it’s serious enough to sell up and move without telling him because you believe he could kill you, then it’s serious enough to get the police involved, get restraining orders and panic buttons.

ruthgordon123 · Today 18:15
How on earth did he get into a top uni? You must have lied about his behaviour. I hope he's not at Durham. We all feel scared of the 'mad rich'. Please, take him away

That is one of the weirdest posts I’ve read.

"He may kill me, I do know that"

You works OP and you know it's true.
It must be frightening and so upsetting that your own son treats you like this.

There are no doubt underlying issues - but he can't be helped if he won't be helped.

There's a heightened risk too when you cut him off. He'll react. It's hard to tell how but he will.

I know you don't you want to report him to the police but would you at least consider talking to them. Even just so they know the situation.
Seek guidance etc.

If he does kill you or your husband snd only one of you survives, the survivor will always regret not alerting the police and believe thing might be different if they did.

Talk to them. You aren't looking for press charges, you just need support and advice.

Change locks, CCTV etc.

Please don't feel shame at how your son is treating you, the fault is his.
For whatever reason, sometimes parents do their very best and still end up with an adult child who seems to dislike them.

I have only one adult son, he lives locally, but we, my husband and I, have not seen him for years.
He cut us out of his life when he settled; made it difficult for his new partner and children to come to see us, even though they wanted to; and refused to talk when the relationship between himself and us, (his parents) went from bad to worse.
He would have liked us to have nothing to do with his son, but happily for us, the mother of our grandson made it possible, and now, as he is old enough to make his own decisions, we have a brilliant relationship with him.

I think in your circumstances, you have to put your own safety and peace of mind first now. If your son refuses help, and wants to keep the abuse he shows you and your husband behind closed doors, you simply don't have to tolerate that.

I sincerely hope you get out from the toxic relationship your son is putting you through, and I really hope you get to live your lives in peace.
Maybe one day, if your son gets the help he needs, your relationship can thrive again, but as it is now, your own needs must come first in my opinion.

What was your childhood like op?

@Jet555
What has that got to do with what the op is going through? Or are you still trying to blame her?

Please call the police. There needs to be a record of this abusive piece of shit. It needs to be there so any future partner or child needs to be protected.

Op, the massive case that happened recently?? Everyone asked whether people around them knew nothing of their behaviour.

please please report him. At 20 years of age there is NO excuse. I feel so sorry looking at your hand. Call the police today, if nothing just to get a record

Please contact the police @Notmynameforthis even if just for advice.

You do not deserve this, nor does your H, HOWEVER - your son needs a short, sharp shock and I feel only the police will give it to him now.

Dont be prisoners in your own home with this pathetic creature in control. You are not helping him by kowtowing to him.

This will probably be your last chance to help him. Please do

I wish people would stop trying to say others are somehow "blaming" the OP and have the sense to see it's more complex than that. Just as its not normal behaviour to assault your parent it's also not normal to put up with it either, so something is going on.

Contacting the police is probably a good idea.

Women's Aid is worth contacting for advice around how to make sure he can't find you.

You can also write to his university so they know what he does behind closed doors.

If you know who his doctors are you could write to them on the same basis. There's a non-trivial chance he has a personality disorder/ schizophrenia/ autism.

Others are blaming the OP. As are you.

This is all so sad....
At what age did he start to be trouble?
Did you try to address it then?

Im afraid children are offshoots of their parents and their upbringing, so I do feel that in this case the parents have to take some responsibility for this lads actions, and the fact that he doesn't seem to have had any consequences.

However, today you need to lodge his actions and behaviours with the police.
For all your safety.

There's also a definite lack of love mentioned.

Good luck op. x

I think I agree with this plan. While ideally OP would report the arsehole to the police, a) I wouldn't be at all confident the police would actually do much and b) a police record might get him kicked out of uni and then OP would have an even angrier arsehole who blamed her for all his woes on her doorstep. At least while he's at uni he's in a different country.
So I'd just stay out of his way for the next few days, let him go back to uni, and then take out a restraining order.