AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

This. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling on how ashamed you are. While you have nothing to he ashamed of now, remaining quiet and not going to the police is shameful.

You need to think of any future partners or children he might have. Abusers don’t change.

WTF!

People in same-sex relationships can also be abusive/victims of abuse. What does him being gay have to do with anything? Is it more acceptable if he beats the shit out of his future male partner?

Call the police

How can you be so sure of this?

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I think you have at least some responsibility to see what else you can do before cutting off forever. He will become someone else's problem sooner or later, but it doesn't sound like he's been through any programmes for anger management or been reported to police who would signpost to appropriate services (or equivalent in the country he's studying in). He hasn't seen consequences at all.

My brother was like this until his early 20s and did stop. I'm not saying it always stops, but it can.

I think he's going to either way, tbh. I don't think a call to the police now will do a single solitary thing to prevent it - abusers will abuse.

I think you may have to reconsider the danger he might pose to a partner. Being gay doesn't automatically preclude him from being a domestic abuser, and as his father is clearly scared of him too, I definitely think you need to lodge an official record of his behaviour.
I don't think the posters blaming you have any idea of how hard it can be to parent a wayward child, some of whom don't respond to consequences etc at all.
It does sound as if selling and moving away before he is next due back might be the safest solution for you.

This is so sad but you’re doing the right thing by biding your time and cutting him off when he goes to university next week. He’s in for a short sharp shock when his money is cut off. He’s needs help. But you sound to worn down to give it. He’ll have to sort himself out. But honestly OP, don’t antagonise him! Don’t take dirty plates to him or do anything that will raise his hackles. Don’t poke the bear.

OP, i am so sorry but he really needs reporting for this.
He is dangerous.
Selling up and moving sounds dramatic but in your place i would do it.
You will never have peace and i wouldn't be one bit surprised if he expects to move back in after university.

Get away from there and leave no trace.
You are entitled to peace and safety in your home.
He will only get worse as you age.

I am so sorry for your suffering. I have read about this child to parent abuse and how it is difficult to bring out to police or other authority. It is not the fault of a dedicated parent, but some people are just born bad, unfortunately. If you can keep him away from you and protect yourselves as a priority, it is best. Also, you can report to police so it is recorded in case he returns against your wishes. Sorry if you are heartbroken but you must prioritise the good in your life.

Why was my post deleted? @dirtygertie must have reported it. Don't list every excuse under the sun to blame women for male violence if you don't want called out on it. What did she do to provoke him indeed.

Sorry if this has already been said or if you already have this arranged but I’d deffinitly sort out some counselling for yourself and for your husband if he is willing. You are in an incredibly traumatic situation and it might be helpful to be able to talk it through with a professional so that you can process it and get your thoughts in order.

If this is true (and you can’t be sure of that) it will be because they would call the police.

Him being gay makes no difference to whether he is an abusive partner. If he has relationships, the chances are he’s abusive there too.

You have let this go on too long. You don’t need courage to call the police.

What I meant was more whether he has been a good role model for responsible masculinity. Did he step in when you were attacked and injured by your DS for example, and lay it out strongly that it was unacceptable?

Another thing - do you know why your DS is so angry? I was very angry and unhappy in my early 20s (though never attacked anyone), and have some sympathetic interest as to why he is like this at home, but apparently not anywhere else? Have you asked him why he is angry?

Can you and your husband go away for a few days and return on the day he is due to go back to Uni?

^ This.

Will you be able to live with yourself if you learn that another woman has been murdered? You need to nip this in the bud. Next time phone the police. Violence is never acceptable.

All this victim blaming is hideous.

OP he’s 20. This is not your fault. You are a victim. And so is your DH

you owe none of us an explanation or justification.

i understand that you are frightened and hope you can get through until he goes. But if he lays another finger on you please please call the police.

@Notmynameforthis I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful. Has your son ever apologised or shown any kind of empathy towards you?

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your DH have been going through with your DS.

Do you think he does any form of drugs? Or cannabis to calm his ADHD?

Of course the net result is that it can severely change their personality for the worst if they are hooked on it.

If not, do you suspect he’s got some form of personality disorder?

Call the police!

Are you getting any kind of psychological support OP? You need to as this is hugely traumatic on so many levels for you and your DH. I find it upsetting to read but I don’t know how you are coping with living through it.

Do you have any cctv? Can you record any interactions with him?

That is awful and completely unacceptable. Is he ever calm enough to talk to? I would avoid him as much as possible until he leaves but personally I would report him to the police and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he will end up in prison if does this to anyone else. I understand it is tempting to just change the locks and cut him off but supposing he comes back pounding on the door or injures someone else. Being ND is no excuse. Neither is coming out as gay. It sounds like this is a long standing issue though but is getting worse as he is now an adult and can inflict serious harm.

I'd lock him out of the house, but I wouldn't sell and move unless you want to move anyway. Moving is pretty expensive, and it's hard these days to be untraceable. If he managed to track you down the move would be for nothing.

Sending you a huge hug and solidarity. My 19 year old son is not physically abusive but very verbally abusive and intimidating. It is a living nightmare so I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You want to always see the good in them but sometimes it’s very hard.