AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

He's battering her! Why should he, an adult man, expect money from the woman he's physically abusing?

I also second these comments. This is no longer about you.

OP this is horrific to read. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be frightened of your own child.

Frankly, he sounds terrifying and it must be bad if you're considering cutting all ties with him.

I have long suspected my SIL is borderline psychopathic and as such my elderly parents have put legal protections in place to ensure she cannot have any influence on their health or financial decisions. Please consider doing this at some point.

Please report this and ensure that you are protecting his future partners and even Children.

He sounds like a psycho and needs help.

Agreed, she cannot go on living with him.

@Notmynameforthis

This sounds so hard to deal with.

I don’t think you helped yourself with the dishes at his door incident, however, when we’ve reached the end of our tether with people, we often make unwise decisions.

The ND makes sense, but there may be more going on, (other than ADHD too). Either way, the abuse is not OK and you should not have to tolerate it.

I’d suggest you seek advice from services to at deal with this sort of thing though, to help you navigate this as best you can, and to stay safe.

Good luck!

Go. Set yourselves free. He's an adult. Don't feel guilty. People look for a reason, but there are so many families with a solitary "wrong 'un" when the siblings are lovely. I'm sorry you got one of them. Please call the police and please get a restraining order. You might save a future partner's life if you report him.

I knew a poor mother that happened to.

Yes if he is harming you, he’s an adult. Tell him to sling his hook. You don’t have to look a man who is abusing you.

When he goes, change the locks. Tell him you will ship his things wherever he likes but that he cannot return home. Ever.

Another shocking post …WTAF!@dirtygertie

That's so sad.

I’m sorry you are going through this. From experience I know how hard it is although my child is just entering teenage years, I can see him behaving similar to your son.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to cut ties with him unless he changes his behaviour. I have thought about this and I would too consider it if things got that far.
Is he diagnosed with any ND conditions?
I know at the time of the confrontation, you just want him to listen to you but bringing the dishes to his room is going to fuel the situation rather than calming it down.
I have done things like that in the heat of the moment. Retrospectively I realised it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Hope you and your husband managed to work something out. You are not alone 🌷

What age did your son start showing this side of him? Was he ever a sweet and caring child?

You're not being unreasonable, sorry I managed to vote yabu in error.

I can feel your fear and pain in your posts 😭

You need to log this with the police at the very least. You could do it when this week is over, but if anything happens in the future you should have a formal record

It may be that he focuses his anger on someone else if you and DH aren’t available. You owe it to that future person to report it now

He runs the risk of being a domestic abuser not only to you but to any future partner and children.
Do not antagonise him in taking dirty dishes to his room, I am not protecting him here but you, there really is days to go until he leaves.
Call the police now or once he’s gone but you must call them and change all locks so he cannot return. He’s an adult and needs the consequences of his actions felt

Op. Is it worth doing the grey rock method to try and disengage until he’s gone? I know it’s frustrating that he didn’t do his dishes but knowing that he can be violent I feel you should just suck it up for the short term. Self preservation.

Call the police and while they are there put his things in bags on the front drive or wherever, change the locks and contact the police every time he assaults you.

I called the police to help me with my autistic and demand avoidant son when he was a teenager on a few occasions. It seemed harsh but he did get from it that violence is not the solution if he wants to be free to do what he wants. He is now in his 20s and he is a lot more able to handle his annoyance at life, even though he does not trust the police now but probably never has trusted “authority”. I appreciate your son may not be autistic but don’t be afraid to ask for help from the police to make you feel safe in your own home. I get how hard it is when you love your children but you also have to look after yourself !

Your main priority is staying safe. Is there an option to go away for a few days until he leaves.
If you aren’t wanting to call police I do think moving is the best solution and make sure no one knows where you have gone.
Can you arrange therapy. It’s a huge thing to have to deal either with and not something easy to speak about. I suspect many parents are similarly affected but too embarrassed to say.

OP I don’t have much to add other than to send love. How horrible to have your own son treat you like that.

I know it’s hard but I do think you should call the police. Build up a picture for if he does something else. You may also need a court order to protect you.

just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he won’t dominate or harm others. Just because they’re not a female. He may pray on vulnerable men too. Or still seek a female to harm as a way of control. If he saves it just for you this feels more than just ND and more going on mentally.

Wait until he’s gone - and then please do consider it.

@Notmynameforthis I have read your replies but not the full thread, and I see you've mentioned that there is no concern he will be with a woman in the future.

That doesn't matter though. He is still going to be around women and thinks it's perfectly fine to assault women. I know you say he only does it in your house, but that might not always be the case. Other members of society need protected from him, and I really think you need to contact the police. I bet he'll be much more careful about his behaviour then.

My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry what you've been put through. I have a son at the same age and while he had a bit of a wild time in his teens, I have never felt frightened and he never made as much as a verbal threat never mind actually doing it.

I also have an adult child with autism and they have never done anything like what you are describing. It is no excuse. I don't know what he's studying at uni, but I certainly would not want to deal with anyone who is capable of this.

You shouldn't have to move. Speak to the police, Sending lots of hugs.